


Glass

by ballumschmalum



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:33:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 64,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25655956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ballumschmalum/pseuds/ballumschmalum
Summary: Set a few years on from current EE time (2022/2023). All Ben and Callum want is to be happy but when the past starts to creep up on them, will they let themselves?
Relationships: Ben Mitchell & Phil Mitchell, Ben Mitchell/Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway & Ben Mitchell & Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 32
Kudos: 113





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

> tw/ homophobic slur (used in the context of a Christmas song) and reference to blood and violence 
> 
> fluff + angst :) 
> 
> purposely got rid of Ian Beale for this fic so that I didn’t have to write about him

Fucking snow. 

Ben looked out of the window his eyes fixating on the white powder that suffocated the streets of the square in front of him. He had his usual grey dressing gown wrapped around his torso and black glasses on framing his face. His soft brown hair rested flat against his forehead as he moved it momentarily out of his eyes. Ben flinched when he felt a hand touch the back of his head, fingers tangling in his hair, slowly wandering down to his shoulder. 

“Morning, sunshine,” Callum announced when he saw Ben turning to him, kissing the younger mans temple and gazing out of the window curiously at the icicles hanging from the edges of their window. 

Ben rolled his eyes and huffed, “Oh leave it out will ya.” 

Callum let out a chuckle and began tracing outlines with his fingers on the exposed skin of Ben’s shoulders. “What?” he asked innocently, tilting his head to one side, eyes gleaming. “If you didn’t wanna be hungover maybe you shouldn’t have drunk so much last night,” Callum noted.

Ben moved to press his back against the the window and slid his hands around Callum’s clothed waist, approving of the warmth it provided his hands that were growing cold. He had woken up about two hours before Ben and had already been for a morning run and changed back into a comfy jumper and black jeans. The jumper was decorated in shades of red and green and had pom-poms littering the material in an attempt to form the shape of a Christmas tree. Lexi had decided to make them all Christmas jumpers this year much to everyone’s delight apart from Ben who ended up with a bright red jumper containing a giant reindeer with glittery silver antlers insisting it would ‘brighten him up’. 

“It was Christmas Eve, Callum, and I ain’t being funny but Shirley and my dad trying to duet to Mariah Carey was a lot more enjoyable when I weren’t sober,” Ben explained. Callum’s hands had found their way to rest on either side of Ben’s face whilst he was talking, a smitten look spread across both of their faces. 

Callum smiled affectionately at Ben and slowly said, “You do know that I know you’re deaf, Ben?” Ben faked an exaggerated gasp and mouthed the word ‘no?!’ mockingly, removing one of his own hands from Callum’s waist and placing it over his heart feigning surprise. Callum rolled his eyes at Ben’s reaction and Ben slipped his hand back around Callum’s waist, his mouth forming into a pout. 

“I don’t need ears to know that they were butchering that song, Cal,” Ben looked up at Callum, the slight difference in their height noticeable in this close proximity. 

Ever since Sharon had moved into the Vic, her and Phil had been on rocky terms with their divorce going through. Once the truth had come out about Dennis’ death over Christmas in 2020 Ian had fled the square and no one had seen him since, Phil and Sharon both threatening to kill him if he ever came back. They had a civil understanding with each other but their romance never continued after that. That was when Shirley came back onto the scene and after spending multiple nights gambling together her and Phil had become an item. Though Shirley vowed that she would rather die than marry him considering his history of women and so they lived together in the Mitchell house arguing over the dinner table and discussing which person they needed to rob to get filthy rich. That was both of their ideas of a happy atmosphere and they wouldn’t change it for anything. 

Ben let out a huge sigh and enveloped Callum in a hug, resting his head against Callum’s chest as Callum moved his hands to allow his fingers to stroke the back of Ben’s head and through Ben’s hair once again.

“I’m tired,” Ben remarked in an almost inaudible voice, feeling the soothing vibrations of Callum’s heartbeat under his skin. His arms clung to Callum as if the moment he let go Callum’s body would dissolve into dust particles and float out of the window, blending in with the snow sticking to the streets below. They stood there for a few minutes in comfortable silence just holding each other and swaying lightly from side to side. Ben’s face was nuzzled up against Callum’s chest and Callum looked straight ahead out the window onto the huge Christmas tree centred in the middle of the square strung with lights. 

They were staying at the Beale’s house over the Christmas period despite having their own flat now. It was easier now that Ian was gone and Peter had moved back out to New Zealand to focus on his child: Louis and live closer to him and Lauren. They were on good terms and Kathy was delighted to see him taking care of his family even if him and Lauren weren’t together anymore. She missed having all of her family around her in one place and the uncertainty of not knowing where her one son was haunted her every night. It was just Bobby and Kathy living in the house now which Bobby enjoyed, getting to spend a lot of time with his gran and Kathy loved having him around. Lexi occasionally came to stay around when Ben and Callum had date nights and Ben sometimes crashed on the sofa when he was incredibly drunk and didn’t have the strength to walk all the way home. Rarely, he’d have petty fights with Callum which usually got resolved the next morning when Callum came round looking for him. Once, Kathy woke up to find only Callum on her sofa claiming he’d got drunk with Stuart, found Ben’s keys and decided to nap on her sofa. At least that’s what he thought had happened. He couldn’t remember much from that night but judging by the mass amount of glitter and multicoloured confetti that tumbled out of his pockets the next day he assumed he’d had fun. Kathy didn’t seem to mind the extra company the next morning though, insisting that Callum stayed for lunch to cure his hangover. 

Callum hardly got drunk as he worked as a paramedic nowadays after a long period of struggling, deciding that he didn’t fit in with the police. He still got to help people in his new job and the training proved useful when Ben would come home late with a black eye and a bloody nose. He didn’t do this as often now. He had no reason to get into fights but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still as mischievous and cheeky as before. 

The last time it happened was in July around the anniversary of Paul when he went against Callum’s warnings of going out and getting drunk. However, Callum was his boyfriend not his carer. This fact had been made very clear to him by Ben as he left the house for the day and came back the following night needing stitches above his eyebrow. 

“Why do you stay?” Ben mumbled, as Callum cleared up the blood escaping from Ben’s forehead, running vigorously down his face. 

“What?” Callum whispered as he stopped to look Ben in his eyes, now brimmed with tears. 

“With me,” Ben continued, his head falling as he averted his eyes. “Why do you stay? You don’t have to you know.” 

Callum looked down at the glass that Ben had started meaninglessly picking out of his hand. Callum’s hand lingered above Ben’s and he gripped them tightly to stop Ben’s movements of pushing the glass any deeper into his hand. Ben caught Callum’s gaze as he lifted his head back up slightly. 

“Because you’re stuck with me, Ben. Whether you like it or not I’m here because I want to be and I know that you do too,” Callum said slowly, ensuring that Ben could understand him, the low lighting in their kitchen at night not helping. Ben seemed to understand enough because he nodded, stray tears descending down his cheeks and tumbling onto the messy stubble of his chin. He didn’t respond. He didn’t need to.

Callum continued to clean up the bruises and open cuts on Ben’s face, every now and then the younger man wincing and trying to recoil from the pressure and the stinging sensation on his skin. Callum finished by carefully applying stitches to Ben’s hand and depositing the shards of glass into the plastic bag in their kitchen bin. 

“Don’t touch that or it won’t heal,” Callum ordered Ben pointing in the direction of his hand as Ben read his lips. 

He was right. Ben couldn’t keep touching his wounds or they wouldn’t heal, and he knew that didn’t only apply to the one on his hand. 

Now, on Christmas Day, as Callum threw Lexi’s homemade jumper at Ben motioning for him to put it on, Ben couldn’t help but smile. 

Ben pulled the soft material over his head and ran his fingers through his hair, moving it out of the way of his eyes again. He looked at himself in the mirror that hung on the wall of Peter’s old bedroom. Ben admired the pattern Lexi had created on his jumper in the reflection of the glass and turned to Callum. “Are you sure this is meant to be a reindeer?” 

***

Bobby was playing an elaborate card game with Kathy, Stuart and Rainie as baby Abi sat with them at the table chewing on the end of a lollipop stick. She was older now but she would always be known as the baby to them. Lola and Jay were sat on the sofa with Lexi slotted in between them holding a unicorn toy that Ben had given to her earlier that morning as a Christmas present. Lola had both of her hands placed on her stomach where a bump was starting to show as she watched intently at the titles of Shrek that had started to play on the tv screen. 

After Jay had found out about Peter and Lola the pair decided to split for a while. They didn’t stay apart for long and their relationship became an on and off rocky journey until Lola realised she was pregnant and they decided to make a go of things properly. She was just over 5 months along and even though they had their differences Jay and Lola were currently in a good place. Lola wanted this baby. She felt more ready than last time with Lexi being older and felt she had enough support around her for them to focus on another child. 

Callum was preparing food for their Christmas lunch in the kitchen, the turkey already being in the oven thanks to Kathy who woke up earlier than everyone else to make sure the dinner would be ready on time. Callum insisted that him and Ben would do the rest of the work but Ben was being his usual mischievous self and being rather unhelpful in this situation. 

“You know you could actually wrap those pigs in blankets instead of just standing there and waving your limbs about,” Callum pointed out to Ben imitating his movements.

“Excuse me, doctor Highway,” Ben addressed Callum, “This is called dancing.” Regardless of the fact Callum was a paramedic and not a doctor, his nickname had changed according to his job. Callum wondered what Ben used to call him when he was working at the funeral parlour, but thought it was better not to know. On one of his last shifts, Stuart had told Ben about a crash on the road and Ben asked if they’d ‘took the Highway’ to which only Rainie laughed and had to tell Stuart to lighten up, proceeding to throw an unlit candle at him. 

Rainie and Stuart’s marriage had surprisingly lasted longer than everyone originally thought and after a long night of drinking together at one of Callum’s birthdays, Ben and Rainie had become good mates. Stuart and Ben still clashed at times but Rainie blamed it on their personalities being too similar which they refused to believe so they tried to keep out of each other’s way where possible, much to Callum’s relief who was desperately trying to avoid a confrontation between them. 

“I think you need to go back to dance lessons. You’re offbeat, babe,” Callum replied mimicking Ben’s movements once again, flailing his arms around in an unorganised manner. 

Ben ignored him, Callum unsure whether he’d actually understood him and chose to ignore him or whether he was too busy dancing to pay attention. 

“What’s playing?” Ben asked unable to hear the song playing from Callum’s phone. 

“Fairytale of New York,” Callum answered but Ben looked confused. Callum began to mouth the lyrics: ‘you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot’. 

“What did you just call me?” Ben asked pretending to be hurt a hand placed across his heart and a shocked expression plastered across his face. 

“Shut up,” Callum laughed, grabbing a tea towel from the counter and whipping Ben with the checkered material. Ben proceeded to grab the nearest thing he could which was a plastic spoon and tried to use it as a shield against Callum unsuccessfully. A few minutes had passed of giggling and fruitlessly throwing things at each other and Ben missing dreadfully each time, Callum’s aim and reaction time proving to be much better than his. 

Kathy opened the kitchen door with 2 glasses in her hand and appreciated the scene playing out in front of her. She coughed loudly enough to get Callum’s attention and stop him in his actions, but Ben was oblivious and proceeded to throw a carrot that hit Callum in the face. Ben noticed Callum had stopped dead in his tracks and diverted his gaze to the door where he was staring. 

“Ben, your father would be turning in his grave if he could see this mess,” Kathy commented but Ben was more concentrated on the two people making their way into the kitchen behind her. 

“Oi, I ain’t dead yet thanks very much,” Phil said coming into view of the boys, Shirley pushing him out of the way to stand in front of him. 

“You made it back then?” Callum asked looking between the couple as Ben approached his dad giving him a brief hug before turning back to Callum who put his arm around him. 

“Just about,” Shirley replied. “The flights were delayed and misery guts here was yelling at the stewardess.” She pointed towards Phil who let out a huff and stared outside the kitchen window, looking at nothing in particular. Ben was looking down at the floor, not engaging in conversation as Callum stroked his back reassuringly with his hand. 

“Louise doing alright then?” Callum continued to Shirley. 

“Yeah, her and Peggy are great,” Shirley said, “She’s taller since last time we saw her. She’ll soon be as lanky as you, halfwit.” 

Before Callum could make a retort the sound of little footsteps came scrambling into the kitchen. “Shirley!” Lexi yelled, running up to her and hugging her. Shirley embraced her, Lexi being one of the few people Shirley would actually tolerate a hug from. 

Shirley followed Lexi back into the living room, unicorn toy in tow, as Kathy set about pouring more drinks into the glasses she’d carried into the kitchen with her. Phil glances back to where Ben and Callum were stood and Phil grabbed Ben’s arm to get his attention, his head tilting up to look at his dad. 

“Can I talk to you outside?” Phil asked. 

They went out the back door leaving Kathy and Callum talking about the food preparation in the kitchen, Kathy offering to help to speed up the process. 

Phil stepped outside and held the door open for Ben who shivered as the cool air hit his face and a droplet of water crawled down his back from the guttering of the house. 

“Fucking snow,” Ben mumbled glancing up at the pipe lining the rooftop. Ben stepped towards the gate of the Beale house and opened it allowing him and his dad to stand on the streets, Phil closing the gate behind them. He felt a touch on his arm and turned to look at his dad who was holding out a black box to him. 

Ben reached over to grab the object from Phil’s hand. “You got one then?” Ben queried looking from the box to his dad, trying to open it beneath his frozen fingertips. 

Phil nodded, “He better say yes now.” 

Ben opened the box to reveal a simple silver band encased in the spongy material of the package. Phil firmly gripped Ben’s arm once again repeating, “He better say yes.” He put his thumb up with his other hand and nodded his head as if to motion the word ‘yes’. Phil wasn’t the best at learning sign language and had difficulty accepting that Ben was permanently deaf at first, but overtime he’d gotten use to using gestures to communicate with his son. The majority of the time he just wrote things down or texted Ben from across the room instead of actually talking to him face to face. 

Ben chuckled nervously, “I hope so.” He closed the box and put it in the back pocket of his jeans hidden from view over his oversized bright Christmas jumper. Ben was relieved Lexi decided to cover his outfit in glitter at least to distract anyone from the outline of the ring box in his pocket. 

“Thanks for this dad,” Ben added shyly. “I didn’t wanna risk him seeing me in the shop and buying it myself. If he saw you in the jewellery shop he might think you were robbing the joint rather than buying anything.” 

Phil let out a small laugh at the comment and raised his hands in the air signing ‘I am proud’. If there was one thing he knew how to sign it was that, as simple as the gesture was. 

Ben smiled softly and took a few steps back. “Come on then,” he said, opening the gate and making his way towards the back door of the Beale house again. 

***

After lunch, everyone had discarded their plates and opened Christmas crackers lay askew on the table, drinking glasses empty. 

Lola, Jay and Lexi went back to their comfortable position on the sofa, Bobby joining them as Kathy claimed to be tidying up but appeared to be talking to Stuart, Rainie and Shirley in the kitchen laughing about an embarrassing story Shirley had brought up about Stuart. It was an unlikely friendship after all the events that had took place between him and the Carters in the past, but Mick insisted she was civil with him and they ended up at the chip shop at least once a month talking to each other over a plate of cheesy chips when they’d conveniently bumped into each other. Rainie joked that they were having a saucy affair and proceeded to cover all of Stuart’s chips in ketchup when she spotted them once, much to Stuart’s displeasure who ended up finishing the meal anyway. 

Bobby was sat in an armchair facing the tv whilst Callum stood over him talking about some new superhero movie they were about to release in the cinema. Ben and Phil were sat at the dining table next to each other, Ben’s knee shaking as he kept stealing glances in Callum’s direction, Phil watching Ben intently. Ben’s hands were shaking slightly as he checked his watch for the fifth time that minute. 

“Right, everyone!” Phil announced hitting an empty glass with a metal spoon that had both been discarded onto the table they were sat at. “The fireworks are starting soon,” he said, addressing everyone in the room and standing up to grab his coat from the back of his chair. Ben raised an eyebrow and looked at him as Phil nodded and placed a hand on his shoulder as if to signal that the plan was in motion. 

Everyone in the room quickly grabbed their warm coats and scarfs from around the house following in suit of Phil. Callum wrapped his blue coat around him and picked up Ben’s coat, walking over to him at the table and handing it to him. Ben smiled up at him and put it on followed by a hat that Callum had given to him. It was a black beanie which matched the one Callum had just tugged onto his own head. He used to wear them all the time when he was living in the Vic with the Carters and always remembered to wear one when it was winter to make him feel nostalgic. Ben didn’t mind wearing it even though it was oversized and made his hair stick to his forehead in the heat because it was something Callum had given to him as a gift on their first Christmas together. It made him feel safe. 

Everyone had made their way out of the front door and onto the street looking out onto the square, excited for the fireworks due to start in ten minutes. Ben and Callum looked on from the doorway of the house for a moment before closing it and stepping out into the cool air. Every railing and street sign was smothered in a lining of ice, white fluff lightly descending from the clouds onto their faces. 

“Are you okay?” Ben asked Callum who looked alarmed as a loud bang could be heard in the distance, Ben unable to hear it. Callum just shook his head trying to shake an unnerving feeling that was bubbling in the pit of his stomach and smiled at Ben, walking forwards into the snow. 

Fucking snow, Ben thought to himself almost slipping on the surface beneath their feet, making his way into the road, his shoes beginning to feel damp. 

He felt an arm slip around his waist and winked at Callum who was hovering beside him, content smile spreading across his face. They stood like this for a few minutes gazing around at their family stood in close proximity to them on the roads. They were blocked off, no cars being able to drive through the square in these conditions, which made the place feel more open and boundless. 

Ben glanced up at Callum who was staring at him besotted. “Callum?” Ben uttered loud enough for Callum to hear. 

“Yeah?” Callum asked his eyes widening as Ben unraveled his hand from his waist and reached into his back pocket. His hands were still shaking from both the cold and anticipation. Careful not to fall, he focused on the ground as he got down on one knee and tilted his head back up to see Callum’s hand covering his mouth in shock. 

Ben smiled as he shakily held up the ring a little higher, catching the attention of his family, Kathy letting out a small “Oh my gosh” at the sight playing out in front of her. 

“Yes,” Callum quickly said nodding his head and removing his hands from his face. 

“I haven’t asked you anything yet,” Ben giggled trying to maintain focus as more droplets of snow escaped from the clouds above and melted onto his face. Callum let out a short laugh, a tear escaping his eye in the process which glistened against his cheek, rolling down towards his chin. 

“Callum, I love you. I really, really love you and I want to stay with you for the rest of my life. You are thoughtful and good and kind and really, really stupid sometimes, but I love you,” Ben paused. By this point Kathy was wiping her face with a tissue where her tears had fell and everyone was looking on adoringly at the couple, overhearing the speech Ben was giving. Phil wasn’t crying, but he was grinning widely and that was enough for him. He was proud of his son. 

Callum wiped a tear away from his face with the back of his hand and let out a small happy sigh, looking down at Ben who was shaking profusely. “Callum, I like you,” Ben continued, “And I don’t like anyone. Most people would’ve hated me if they’d spent this much time with me but you’re here because you want to be, and I do too.” Callum’s face was now stained with tears and his sight was becoming increasingly blurry with each tear that fell, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was the man kneeling below him echoing the words back to him that he had once said. 

“Callum Highway, will you marry me?” Ben asked, raising the ring in the box higher in the air and focusing intently on his boyfriends face. He also had tears streaming down his face at this point from both nerves and happiness. 

Callum began to wipe his own face again, his teeth chattering as he nodded his head repeatedly. “Yes! Yes, I’ll marry you,” Callum exclaimed joyously. He sunk to the ground where Ben was and grabbed both sides of Ben’s face with his shaking hands and pressed their lips together with urgency. They were chapped and unbelievably cold but none of that mattered to them. 

After seconds had passed, Ben leaned back and beamed at Callum, shuffling to stand up, dragging Callum with him as his hands hesitantly let go of Ben’s face. Ben removed the ring from the box hastily and struggled to slide it onto Callum’s frozen finger. Callum stroked his other thumb lightly over the silver band Ben had put on him, pushing it down onto his skin tenderly to ensure that it stayed in place. 

Everything swiftly became a blur of congratulations and tears, fireworks beginning to unleash into the sky and exploding above them. Callum was usually uneasy around loud explosives due to his time in the army, but as he found his way back to Ben in the crowd of their family he found comfort. Callum placed both of his hands over Ben’s ears to drown out the ringing and Ben’s hands encompassed Callum’s ears to block out the intensity of the noise. There was a mutual understanding between them that they would protect and take care of each other. 

Shortly after the festivities had died down they all made their way back into the house, Callum deciding he needed a drink after all the crying he’d done so he headed into the kitchen by himself. He spotted Shirley and Phil arguing with one another outside between the gate and the back door of the Beale house. He could faintly hear them through the crack of the open door and got closer to try and listen. 

“You can’t tell him!” Shirley hissed angrily at Phil, throwing her arms up in the air. “It will break him,” she continued, “Is that what you want, you want him to break, eh?”

There was a pause and Callum stepped back quickly in fear that they’d heard him listening in, but Shirley began talking again. 

“I won’t let you do it, Phil,” she added. “Not after everything.” 

Callum heard a slam and stumbled back, swiftly opening the door that led into the dining and living area of the house. 

“Alright, babe? I thought you were getting a drink?” Ben asked, aware of Callum’s sudden return and empty glass still in hand.

“Oh yeah,” Callum smiled, “I did get one I drank it.” 

Ben didn’t question this knowing that he was nicknamed ‘halfway’ for a reason. Callum felt someone slap his back as Shirley appeared into view. “Yeah look at ya, practically spilt it down yourself,” Shirley proclaimed teasingly now standing behind Callum having made her way back into the house. 

“Me and Phil are heading off, alright?” Shirley shouted towards Kathy. 

“Alright! I’ll see you in the Vic tomorrow, yeah?” Kathy asked and Shirley nodded, waving goodbye to everyone and winking at Lexi before leaving through the back door; no sign of Phil. 

“Callum,” Ben spoke, clicking his fingers in front of Callum’s face. “Are you sure you’re alright? You haven’t seen the ghost of Christmas past have ya?” He joked. 

Callum shook his head and laughed, quickly changing the subject and summoning Lexi over to tell them all about the fireworks. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d heard or if he even wanted to know, and so his empty glass remained glued to his hand.


	2. Scream

Intense fluorescent lights flickered in their visions, scattering and dancing across the floor, creating silhouettes and shadows on their skin. Screams echoed out into the air but Ben couldn’t hear any of it. All he could see were bright colours all blurring into the nothing. It seemed like a nightmare and it was. For Lola. 

It was somewhere between Christmas and New Year: the period of time where all the days seemed to blur into one and as promised they were at a theme park. 

“I wanna scream,” Ben whispered into the darkness as he lay on top of Callum’s bare chest. The clock had just chimed to signal it was midnight and the celebrations of Christmas Day were continuing into Boxing Day. Ben’s wrist watch had vibrated as he looked down to see ‘00:01’ flash across the screen, feeling the sensation on his wrist. 

Callum looked down at Ben, tracing patterns into his back with his forefinger and thumb. Ben felt the cool brush of Callum’s new ring on his skin, shivering at the touch. He tilted Ben’s head upwards and clearly said, “I don’t think your mom would be too pleased if you startled her at this hour.” 

Ben leaned up and planted a brief kiss to Callum’s lips, pulling the duvet up higher over their bare skin. “Not now, you donut,” Ben replied adoringly. “I wanna go on a rollercoaster and scream my head off. I wanna feel the thrill and the movement...feel something,” Ben’s words drifted off as his enthusiasm died down. Callum knew how hard losing his hearing was on Ben and every now and then as they lay blissed out under a warm sheet the younger man would make a passing comment that seemed sad and distant. He knew that he could never understand how Ben felt but he was here for him and that was enough. 

“Okay,” Callum whispered, softly kissing Ben’s forehead and tangling his fingers through his hair, despite the fact that Ben had already drowsed off into the darkness. 

It was a small place but they wanted Lexi to enjoy the experience without being overwhelmed or getting lost. As it turned out, Callum was the one who needed supervision having never been to a real theme park before. There were always school trips to different places but none that he could afford with his estranged, alcoholic father wandering off every other week and Stuart trying to keep their family together. It didn’t bother him at the time: the fear of missing out. Now, standing here admiring the suspiciously shaped balloons a bearded man was offering to him, he wouldn’t miss it for the world. 

“Can I have this one?” Lexi squealed in delight as the man presented what Callum thought was a dog-shaped balloon to them. 

“If that’s the one you want then that’s the one we’ll get,” Callum exclaimed joyfully, holding out a few coins to the smiling man in exchange for the balloon. 

The blonde girl looked at Callum with glee as she grabbed the balloon with one hand and took Callum’s hand in her other. They began to walk over to a bench where Ben, Lola and Jay were sitting. The couple were engrossed in a conversation about what kind of ice cream to get and Ben sat on the other side of the bench watching closely as Lexi and Callum approached them. 

“Look what I got!” Lexi said excitedly running up to her dad. 

Ben let out an exaggerated gasp, “Wow princess, is that a dog?” 

Lexi shook her head and giggled as if Ben was being absurd. Lola and Jay were now paying attention and smiling as the scene played out before them.

“No silly, it’s a giraffe,” Lexi explained as she signed some of the words to Ben so that he could follow her line of speech. “It reminded me of Callum.” She squeezed Callum’s hand which was still interlinked with hers and smiled brightly up at him. She added, “Callum is so tall he’s like the big friendly giant!” 

Callum took this as a compliment and lightly squeezed Lexi’s hand back, letting out a soft laugh before letting go and placing both of his hands on Ben’s shoulders. 

Callum gently rubbed Ben’s shoulders affectionately but the younger man looked incredibly bewildered. 

“The friendly ant?” He asked puzzled having misunderstood what Lexi had just said. 

“Giant,” Callum said slower this time, ensuring Ben could read his lips. 

He didn’t laugh at him. He wouldn’t. Ben was deaf and sometimes he needed reassurance that it was okay and that he was accepted by the people around him who loved him. Ben’s face relaxed as his eyes wandered from Callum back to Lexi’s balloon. 

“This still looks like a dog to me, baby,” he pointed out, touching the red plastic beneath his fingers. 

Lexi shook her head at her dad in disbelief but before she could argue Jay interrupted. He reached out with his fingers waving them in Ben’s direction to get his attention. 

“Fancy going on a few rides then?” Jay asked pointing in the direction of a giant spinning circle that looked like a death trap in Lola’s eyes. Ben nodded and Lexi and Callum both followed suit behind Jay, leaving Lola on the bench gossiping with a woman of similar age to her. 

All four of them go on a couple of rides together, some simple coasters with a few loops and a carousel because Lexi insisted on riding the unicorn. When they arrive at the giant spinning circle, Jay offers to hold Callum’s hand, fear evident on his face. Jay jokingly reached out for Callum and upon seeing this gesture Ben slapped his hand away and laughed reminding Jay not to steal his man. Jay ended up sitting in the middle of Callum and Ben holding both of their hands as Lola and Lexi watched on from their bench, Lexi opting to stay out of this one so that she could eat candy floss instead. Not long after the ride is over Callum felt dizzy and threw up into a nearby bush, Ben patting him on the back in an attempt to soothe him. 

“I think you ought to sit the rest out,” Jay declared after Callum had recovered and sat down on the bench next to Lola. Callum agreed and watched as Ben, Jay and Lexi wandered off to join another queue for a rollercoaster.

“You would think that with the amount of chaos in my life I’d love this kind of stuff,” Lola remarked, swirling the straw of her fluorescent ice drink in between her 2 fingers. She looked passingly at a nearby ride filled with a few dysfunctional families and hyper teenagers.

“What kind of stuff?” Callum asked, tilting his head to focus on Lola. 

“You know, heights, danger, excitement. Thank god I’m pregnant so I can get out of family fun time. I’d hate to go on all these rides,” Lola explained. “It’s nice not to feel scared.” 

Callum looked down as a faint smile formed on his face. Comfort. It’s something everyone wants and despite the deafening screams echoing throughout the park, Callum had never felt more safe than he did in this moment. He was surrounded by people he considered family and grew to love over time. 

“You must be the opposite of Ben then,” Callum looks up to meet Lola’s eyes. “I think he’s dragged us on every ride possible,” Callum chuckles fondly.

“Yeah and by the looks of it our daughters loving every minute of it,” Lola says and rolls her eyes, pointing in the direction of Ben, Jay and Lexi who were sitting down on a nearby ride which appeared frightening in contrast to any other in the theme park.

“Look at her!” Lola points. They sat waiting on what appeared to be a very complex loop ride with multiple twists and turns on the track, waiting for it to start. “Probably making sure those pair smile for the photo when it gets to the top. It’s a bit high, ain’t it? Are they sure that’s safe?”

Callum clutched onto his stomach with his hands and stared up at the sky to where the track continued. “Oh don’t,” he said. “I’m starting to feel sick again just having to look at that thing.” 

“What Ben?” Lola laughs and nods in the direction of him. Callum lets out a soft chuckle. “Nah, nah. I meant the ride.” 

“It’s alright I’m only teasing,” she beamed. 

They smiled at each other for a few seconds before something catches Lola’s eye. Callum turned his head to see what she was looking at and noticed the ride regulator letting more people on. 

“Lola!” Jay yelled, waving in her direction with both of his arms frantically trying to get her attention. She waved back at him and raised her eyebrows as if to signal what do you want? 

Jay continued, “Make sure no one knicks my bag will ya?” Lola just shaked her head at him and held up the backpack in response with her left hand so that he could see it. 

They were only a few metres away from the ride itself, just close enough to see each other, but the place was incredibly loud with children screaming and unfamiliar music blaring through the speakers of nearby carnival rides. It made it hard to comprehend what the other person was saying without yelling at each other. 

“Nah I’m gonna tip everything out of it into a bin!” Lola yelled back. Jay rolled his eyes and smiled, sticking his tongue out playfully at her whilst she laughed. The couple were in a good place right now. They were content with each other again as if time had healed them and brought them back to the place they were meant to be. 

Callum looked over at where Lexi was sat in between Ben and Jay on the 4 seater ride. She was giggling about something with her dad who carried a huge grin on his face. Sat on the end next to him was a teenage boy who seemed disinterested in the whole situation and turned around occasionally to say something to the boy behind him where 3 girls also sat. The five of them must’ve came here together and he was left to sit with strangers on another row. At least that’s what Callum assumed. He was snapped out of his thoughts as he heard a high pitched voice screaming, “Callum! Over here!” 

Callum glanced over to where lexi was sat, waving frantically with a wide grin on her face. Callum waved and hollered back, “Lexiiiii,” purposely dragging out every letter of her name in a joking manner. 

He made her laugh as she yelled back, “HELLLLOOOOOO,” mimicking Callum’s drawn out speech. 

He turned his attention towards Ben who was also waving at him and pulling a peculiar face, mimicking Lexi’s actions. Ben soon noticed Callum waving back at him and winked in his direction. It was a subtle action but Callum felt himself blush slightly and dipped his head, smile growing as he did so. 

A loud voice from a speaker interrupted their brief moment as it began to say, “Are you ready for the ride of your life?” Almost everyone sat on the ride cheered loudly back at the voice, throwing their arms up in the air in excitement. Everyone apart from the teenage boy sat next to Ben. Maybe it was fear or lack of it but he didn’t seem like he wanted to be there. 

“Callum?” Lola touched his arm lightly to turn his attention back towards her. He looked back at her as the ride took off and the screams grew increasingly louder.

“I’m gonna nip to loo can you watch Jay’s bag for me?” Lola stood up from her seat next to Callum on the bench and added, “He’ll kill me if I lose it.” 

Callum smiled at her fondly, “Course. Is the little one making you...go again?” Callum awkwardly referred to the small bump on Lola’s stomach. 

Despite being the open, confident man he was now compared to a few years ago, he still had the tendency to be awkward and shy in certain situations, especially this one considering he knew near to nothing about pregnancy. He’d helped a few women give birth over his time as a paramedic but was yet to learn a single thing about the actual pregnancy process. It was a trait that Ben adored: being clueless. He made him laugh that stupidly loud laugh, even when he didn’t want to. He made him want to be happy. 

Lola sighed to herself looking down at the bump and gently stroking it with her left hand. “Yeah it’s frustrating. I sit down and it doesn’t last long before I‘m up to go again.” 

Her hand lingered for a moment over her stomach before she placed it firmly on Callum’s shoulder. “Are you scared?” asked Callum. 

Lola didn’t know to what extent Callum meant. She was scared. Terrified, even. She thought she could be able to cope with having another child after all this time because she felt ready for that now, but the element of uncertainty still played on her mind. A voice that uttered ‘what if’ that she just couldn’t shake. 

When Callum didn’t get a reply he was quick to backtrack on his questioning. “Sorry, I just mean-“ but Callum was cut off. 

“No.” 

Lola continued, “No, I’m not scared.” In that moment she didn’t know whether she was telling the truth or not. She couldn’t be certain, but that was okay. She didn’t need to be. 

***

“Callum!” a high pitched voice yelled, in closer capacity this time. A few minutes had passed since Lola left to use the bathroom and Callum realised he hadn’t been fully paying attention to his surroundings. He was momentarily distracted by the screams echoing throughout the theme park, an unnerving feeling washing over him and wondered how long he’d actually been zoned out for. Luckily, Jay’s bag was still placed next to him on the bench where Lola had left it. 

“Callum! Look!” Lexi approached him holding something which made a faint clanging sound as she dangled it between her small fingers. Callum examined the object as she placed it down on the bench and took her seat next to him. 

“Oh wow, Lex! Look at you,” Callum grinned admiring the key ring which held a photo of her, Ben and Jay all pulling a coordinated set of funny faces at the camera. “Daddy got a copy too!” she exclaimed. 

Lexi was 11 now but yet to lose her childlike charm that she’d always carried around with her. Callum hoped she’d never lose it. Her happiness and imagination kept everyone together even when they were going through a tough time. She was the glue to their family unit and all of them made sure she knew how loved she was in their own way, even when Ben and Lola were being strict with her for wanting days off of school to go to fun fairs and aquariums. She had just entered secondary school at the start of September and despite being a complete bundle of nerves all summer, she had settled in almost straight away. 

Ben and Jay had sat down on the opposite side of the bench to Callum and Lexi as Jay was poking Ben in the side playfully for a mindless remark he’d made. “You’re a nightmare, you know that?” Jay said. 

Ben did know and Callum wouldn’t want it any other way. It took Ben a while before he came to terms with being deaf and nobody was ever entirely sure if he had completely accepted it. Though Ben was happier nowadays and it showed. He was more comfortable speaking to people and asking them to repeat things for him. When Shirley would make a passing joke about his ears he would laugh along with her instead of frowning and walking out or making a vicious remark. 

“Are you sure you’re gonna be able to put up with him, Cal?” Jay quizzed jokingly. 

”I think we’re gonna be just fine,” Callum reached across the table and poked Ben’s arm lightly. Ben just shook his head and smiled. He was content, they all were. Ben almost thought it wouldn’t last; nothing good in his life ever did. 

***

They arrived home later in the day, Lexi falling asleep in Ben’s arms, so he offered to take her to bed at his and Callum’s flat. They’d moved out of the flat above the funeral parlour into a newer one with a similar layout. It made sense that Stuart and Rainie took over that flat as they both worked at the funeral parlour, but Callum didn’t see his brother as much anymore and he missed him on the odd occasion. They’d still meet up for pints down the pub and visit each other frequently, but it felt like there was a giant presence missing at home. Callum would never admit it but he liked chaos, it made him feel messy and imperfect. 

Jay and Lola went back to Billy’s where they were currently living whilst they sorted out things for their new arrival. Lola almost immediately fell to sleep on the sofa when they got home, exhausted from the lack of sleep these past few weeks and being unable to get comfortable. Jay smiled to himself as he put a blanket over her and picked up his bag from the side, placing it down on the kitchen counter. He’d gotten used to carrying bags for Lola even when she didn’t want him to and so insisted on carrying around their lunch all day. He was starting to unpack the various wrappers and boxes in his bag from their lunch earlier on when he noticed something peaking out of the inside pocket.

It was a small crumpled up piece of paper that was slightly damp and looked stained from a drink. Jay unfolded it slowly, careful not to rip it beneath his fingers from the dampness of the material. Jay furrowed his brows as he read the words ‘I know what you did.’ The note slipped from his fingers and floated to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!


	3. Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mainly domestic fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to Callum’s beanie protection squad for discussing wallpaper with me!

The dust hung heavy in the air, scratching at Callum’s throat unpleasantly. He stumbled in the darkness searching for anything to hold onto, the naked lightbulb above him flickering and straining his view. “Hello!” he called out wondering if anyone could hear him but all he could feel was dust that stuck to his skin like an irritating rash you couldn’t help but touch. 

“Callum!” a high pitched voice yelled, as his footsteps faltered and something tightly gripped his arm. He continued walking forwards, lifting his heavy feet to climb the stairs. The flickering came to a halt and was soon replaced by a harsh white light flooding his vision. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes and trying to steady himself on the ground. 

“You found him, Princess,” Ben proclaimed stretching his arms out into the air, a wide grin plastering his face. “You can let go of him now,” he chuckled.

Callum took in the sight in front of him. He’d just finished an eight hour shift which was surprisingly quiet for a Friday so he’d clocked off early expecting to come home to the six o clock news playing on the tv but instead was greeted by a broken light at the entrance of his and Ben’s new flat. The dark staircase made the dust it was covered more prominent and as he made his way into the flat all he could see was disarranged furniture and old newspapers spread out across the floor. They’d had several discussions about redecorating their new flat ever since they got the keys last month but with the Christmas and New Year period creeping up on them they’d never found the time. 

“I absolutely hate these white walls,” Ben had spoken out the first night of their move in. The two boys had sat opposite each other on their new rug staring at the static tv in front of them, waiting for their sofa to arrive. 

“Well maybe if you hadn’t got us evicted from our last place we’d still have our nice blue walls, wouldn’t we?” Callum pointed out accusingly, poking Ben on the nose lightly with his index finger. 

“I absolutely did not,” Ben argued grabbing Callum’s finger from where it hovered in front of his face and interlinking their hands together.

“Uh, you absolutely did,” Callum replied, scrunching up his nose and rolling his eyes at Ben. “You were the one who attempted to steal an entire shower head from our neighbours flat because you couldn’t get ours to work and practically ripped the pipes outta the wall.” 

‘Ours.’ Ben clung onto those words and smiled to himself at the memory, remembering how Callum pretended to be mad at him in front of the landlord whilst he was handing them their eviction notice. He remembered how he shook his head as soon as their door was closed and burst out laughing at how ridiculous and overdramatic his boyfriend was. 

“Only you, Ben,” Callum teased enveloping him into a hug and beginning to tickle him at the waist. 

“Hey, hey!” Ben laughed trying to get out of Callum’s grasp. “I’m warning you, I smell disgusting!” Ben joked, but Callum didn’t care. 

Ben smiled, reminiscing, glancing down to where he was picking at their rug with his fingers. “It’s only because I got caught. I just have a habit of taking things that don’t belong to me,” Ben pouted innocently looking back up to meet Callum’s eyes. 

“Is that what you did with me, eh?” Callum asked. “You’re lucky Whitney’s not around anymore to glare at you from across the square,” he spoke slowly with gestures to ensure Ben had understood. 

“It weren’t exactly daylight robbery, Cal,” he recalled. “You’re the one who wanted a quickie in the park. It’s not my fault I’m irresistible,” Ben said flicking his head back along with his hand as if to flip back long hair behind his shoulders that wasn’t there. 

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Callum said, brushing his thumb gently across Ben’s bruised knuckles where their hands connected. They were stained shades of purple and green steadily starting to fade back into the colour of Ben’s white skin. They sat on that rug for hours reminiscing on all of their old memories from their previous flat, Callum gently brushing his thumb over Ben’s skin as if it would magically heal it. 

“Callum! Daddy’s saying bad words again!” Lexi exclaimed, snapping Callum back to reality. He turned his attention to where Lexi was stood over Ben, attempting to take the lid off of a tin of paint. 

“Right,” Callum petted Lexi’s hair, making his way over to them, and bending down to kneel on the floor. “Pass it here Mr grumpypants,” Callum addressed Ben whose hands were shaking violently, struggling to separate the lid from the container of paint. Lexi giggled at the mention of the nickname that her and Callum used to describe Ben’s mood when he wasn’t around or wasn’t listening to them. Ben felt a hand brush against his own and realised Callum had knelt down on the floor next to him and Lexi. He let go of the container allowing Callum access to it who managed to open it in one swift motion. 

Lexi jumped and clapped excitedly in a childlike manner as she grabbed a paintbrush that was considerably much bigger than her head, approaching the nearby white wall. She began to create small brushstrokes in a light shade of blue onto the white background. Ben’s eyes were fixated on Callum’s face who watched on entertained by the patterns Lexi was messily constructing onto their wall. 

“My hero,” Ben smiled, diverting Callum’s attention back to him. Callum immediately froze at the mention of those words, Ben unaware of the impact they’d just had on his fiancé. Callum’s mouth was slightly agape as he felt his mouth go dry and his palms growing clammy; his body unable to move. Ben noticed the change in Callum’s complexion as he grew paler and reached out to touch his hand but Callum quickly stood to his feet. 

He smiled weakly at Ben and held out his hand, gesturing for Ben to stand to his feet. Once they were stood, Callum grabbed them both brushes and went over to where Lexi was. Ben wasn’t sure if the change in Callum’s demeanour was his fault but he made a mental note to ask him about it later when Lexi wasn’t in the room. 

Lexi giggled as Callum picked her up and spun her around, placing her on top of a small metal ladder so that she was able to reach up higher on the wall, hands hovering above her back to ensure she didn’t fall. “So, what have you been up to today, young lady?” Callum inquired, Ben still examining his movements from where he was stood next to the pair, carelessly smothering the wall in a thin layer of blue paint. 

Lexi began to tell him about her day at school and that she was glad it was finally the weekend. She explained to Callum about the homework that she’d handed in had some wrong answers and that some of them were the questions that him and Ben had helped her answer the night before. Callum recalled the domesticity of the situation that had played out last night. 

“Daddy,” Lexi poked Ben in the arm to get his attention as they sat around the circular dining table in their new flat, taking care of Lexi for the week. Jay had to take care of a car job up in Leeds for the week and Lola had agreed to go with him for a break, leaving the responsibility of Lexi in the trusting hands of Ben and Callum who insisted that she went away to relax instead of stressing herself out and everyone else around her. 

Ben looked up from his plate of chips that they’d gotten from McKlunky’s earlier that night. “Hm?” He hummed, focusing on Lexi as she signed, ‘Can you help me, please?’ She pushed the sheet of paper she was leaning on towards him and added, “It’s a math problem.”

Ben choked on a chip that he was chewing and covered his mouth with his hand. “Meth?” He asked, blatantly confused as to what his daughter was asking of him. 

Callum snorted and leant forward to touch Ben’s arm. “Math, Ben,” Callum enunciated, “Numbers and sums,” he signed to him, holding in a laugh, “Not drugs.” 

Ben and Callum laughed in unison at the misunderstanding as Lexi stole food from her dads plate whilst he wasn’t paying attention. 

“Oh right,” Ben paused looking back and forth between the piece of paper and Callum. “Have you got a maths gcse?” Ben questioned Callum to which Callum nodded, “Just about.” Ben smiled and slid the paper over to Callum who shook his head disapprovingly. 

“Daddy Callum will help you out, won’t ya?” Ben smirked, stuffing his face with more chips. Lexi grabbed her pencil and handed it to Callum who looked just as perplexed as Ben did. ‘Daddy Callum’ was used on the occasions when Lexi really wanted or needed help with something, not that Callum minded as he thought the name was adorable. 

“Right, Lex,” Callum started, reading the question aloud. “So, Phil has a van filled with bottles in boxes. If Phil has 8 bottles in each box he’s delivering and he has 9 boxes, how many bottles does he have altogether?” Ben glanced over, reading the question and concentrating on what Callum was saying. 

Ben let out a short laugh and swallowed his food quickly before commenting, “Phil? Well if our Phil had that many bottles he’d have drunk them all by now.” 

Callum glared at Ben and kicked him under the table with his foot playfully. “Ouch,” Ben complained, sticking out his bottom lip into a pout, rubbing at his knee, feigning pain. “You’re such a bully,” he continued sticking out his tongue playfully. 

Lexi patted Callum’s arm, “Did I do it right?” she asked, finishing what she was writing. Callum nodded and high-fived her as he read the next question aloud. 

“Henry has £750 in his savings but he wants to buy a car that costs £2,400,” Callum read, following the lines on the page with his finger as he did so. “How much more money does Henry need to buy the car?” 

Callum’s head snapped up as he heard Ben laughing across the table who had just read the question himself. Callum grabbed the pencil firmly from where it was resting between his fingers and threw it at Ben, hitting him in the chest. 

“Ow!” Ben whined.

“Ben!” Callum warned, “I swear if you make a joke about stealing cars.” 

“I wasn’t gonna! Honest,” Ben smiled, crossing his fingers across his heart in a promise before throwing his arms up in the air in defence, “But if Henry wants a car that only costs two grand he’s not gonna get very far.” 

This went on for another hour or so, the three of them reading through the problems, Ben insisting that the word ‘February’ was spelt with only one ‘r’ and that Callum was being ridiculous. Ben also told Callum that it was much easier to shoplift than to actually figure out what change you would get if you brought something from the shops, to which Callum had to remind both Ben and Lexi that ‘stealing was bad’.

Now, Callum smiled to himself as he held the little girl in front of him that he considered his own, painting their wall as she told him all about her day. “Then daddy picked me up from school and took me to the paint store!” she said excitedly. 

“Oh really?” Callum said with intrigue, “So, did you pick out this colour?” 

Lexi nodded as Ben continued to observe Callum’s expression. Feeling eyes on him, Callum looked up and down at Ben briefly, taking in his appearance properly for the first time. Ben raised his eyebrows at him questioningly, “Is there something on my face?” 

Callum stopped painting and pointed at Ben with his brush, “Are you wearing my shirt?” Callum asked, scratching his head with his other empty hand. 

“What?” Ben stuttered. Callum wasn’t sure whether Ben struggled to understand what he’d just asked or whether he didn’t want to answer the question due to the nervous expression on his face. 

Callum asked again slower, emphasising his words, “Are you wearing my shirt, Ben?” 

Ben looked away before Callum could finish his sentence properly and Callum realised that Ben had understood him perfectly. Lexi giggled from where she was stood on the small ladder and reached her arms out, wiggling her fingers, signalling for Callum to put her down, which he did. Despite being eleven years old, she was still very light and insisted that she was lifted places that she couldn’t reach which her parents didn’t mind. Lexi told Callum that she was going to the bathroom to wash her hands because they were sticky as she ran off in that direction. 

Once Lexi had disappeared out of sight, Callum leant down and placed his paintbrush on the newspaper spread out on the floor beneath his feet. He turned to face Ben fully and reached forward to hold Ben’s face with the same hand that he was holding the paintbrush with, tilting his jaw so that Ben was forced to look at him. Ben was biting his bottom lip in an attempt to hold in his smile. 

After a moment had passed of them staring at each other blankly, Ben broke the silence. “What? You never wear this one.” Ben’s mouth had cracked into smile, unable to contain it any longer, which in turn made Callum smile back at him. He gestured down towards the oversized shirt that was practically smothering his small frame in comparison to Callum’s much taller stance. 

“Ben, we are painting,” Callum said slowly as Ben’s eyes focused on his lips. “I swear if you get that shirt dirty-“ Callum stopped talking suddenly as his eyes flickered to where he had rested his hand on Ben’s face. His eyes widened and Ben looked worried. “Well I can take it off if you want?” Ben huffed with a laugh, but Callum stood in complete silence, unresponsive. 

“What?” Ben asked, attempting to see what Callum was staring at. Callum was silent for a moment before taking his hand away and holding it up to his face. Ben began to clumsily stumble over to the circular mirror that hung on the adjacent wall to them, tripping over a stray piece of newspaper. He viewed his face in the mirror and reached up with his free hand to touch where Callum’s hand had lingered, the other hand still containing his damp paintbrush. Ben looked closer and upon inspection turned slowly around to face Callum who was still looking at Ben in shock. Lexi had appeared back in the room, both of her hands over her mouth as she stared at her dads face, hiding behind Callum.

“Callum,” Ben said softly walking back over to where he was stood by the drying wall. “Callum,” he repeated as he got closer. Callum’s hands dropped down to his sides as his eyes glanced across Ben’s features. There was a pause as both men stared into each other eyes. Lexi looked down at the ground trying not to laugh at her dads face. 

“Did you just smudge paint across my face?” Ben asked completely serious, narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend. Callum put his hands up again this time in surrender as a grin spread across his face. 

“It was an accident, I swear,” Callum responded in defence, raising both of his arms up in the air. 

Ben raised his arm containing the paintbrush and at a mockingly slow pace drew a blue line straight down Callum’s face from his forehead down to his chin. Lexi spat as she started laughing from her spot where she was hiding behind Callum, but Ben couldn’t hear her. 

“Better?” Callum asked once Ben had disconnected the paintbrush from Callum’s face. 

Ben suddenly felt a feathery touch running down his bare arm where Callum’s short sleeved t shirt that he was wearing wasn’t covering his skin. 

“Uh excuse me, madam,” Ben laughed, looking at where Lexi had drawn a huge blue line across him. There was a pause as all three of them looked between each other, Callum slowly picking up his paintbrush from where he’d dropped it on the floor. Then, chaos broke out. 

The three of them were chasing each other around the room in an attempt to flick paint at each other and throwing playful insults at one another. 

“It’s not my fault you have to stand on a stool to be my height,” Callum teased as Ben and Lexi had cornered him against the entrance to their flat. 

“Shut up,” Ben joked throwing his paintbrush at Callum. However, he saw it coming and ducked, the paint brush flying past Callum and hitting something else instead. Or rather someone else. 

Shirley stood in their doorway wiping blue paint off of her face where the paint had landed, the brush on the floor next to her feet. Everyone’s mouths were wide open apart from Shirley who had an unamused look on her face.

“Ben? We need to talk,” Shirley stated. “It’s Phil.”


	4. After dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ implied violence, self-abuse

Phil. 

Callum was beginning to wonder if he’d ever grow fond of that name. If he’d ever use it in a sentence with a genuine smile plastered across his face. Today was no exception. 

“It’s Phil,” Shirley said, unamused expression written across her face. She reached up to where some of the paint had splattered on her cheeks, and began to wipe it away with her sleeve. Callum laughed to himself, thinking that the blue smudges almost resembled tears. 

“Why? What’s happened?” Ben asked hurriedly, immediately thinking the worst. Callum passed Shirley some tissue from the side to clean up the blue paint stain splattered in fragments across her face. 

“Wants you round ours,” Shirley explained, “Something about a bloke wanting to press charges. Says you smashed his face in.” Shirley pointed to her face and made actions that signified fighting so that Ben could understand. Callum rolled his eyes disapprovingly and tapped Ben on the shoulder to get his attention, raising his eyebrows, waiting for Ben to explain. Ben averted his gaze trying to look anywhere other than directly at Callum. Callum moved his hand from where it was resting on Ben’s shoulder towards his chin to tilt his head up, forcing Ben to look at him in the eyes. Meanwhile, Shirley used the spare tissue that Callum had given her and began to wipe up some paint splatters that were covering Lexi’s face. 

“I thought you’d stopped doing this,” Callum said, voice laced with both concern and annoyance. His eyes were wide and hopeful for an explanation from Ben but the younger man just shook his head and manoeuvred out of Callum’s hold on him. 

Ben sighed and started to walk in the direction of their bathroom. “Leave it, alright.” 

“Oi!” Shirley yelled but Ben couldn’t hear her. She quickly took a few steps forward and reached out with her arm to grab Ben’s arm and turn him around. His eyes landed on her lips as she suggested, “I’ll take Lexi for some chips whilst you sort this out, yeah?” 

Ben nodded his head and headed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him, making Callum flinch. He looked at his hands covered in drying paint and started picking anxiously at them, peeling the blue layers off of his skin. 

Lexi put her coat on which had been displaced onto the sofa and held onto Shirley’s hand, anticipating the promise of food. “Watch him,” Shirley warned Callum before leaving, Lexi in tow. 

Callum heard the door to the entrance of their flat close and looked up, admiring the blue mess that was once their bare white wall. He stopped picking at the paint on his hands and made his way over to the bathroom, pressing down on the handle to open it. Ben was on the other side staring at his reflection in the circular mirror hung on the wall, tears brimming the surface of his eyes as water from the hot tap ran into the sink. 

He knew he shouldn’t have hit that man. He knew the moment that his fist connected with his jaw that it was a mistake but that didn’t stop him. It didn’t stop him when the man plummeted to the floor, blood running in streams down his face or when his dad tried to pull him away as he kicked the other mans ribs. 

“Ben,” Callum said softly, his face a blur to Ben as tears escaped his eyes contributing to the water overflowing in the sink in front of him. “Stop,” he said, turning off the faucet of the hot tap and grabbing Ben’s burning hand. Ben sniffled and cleared his throat, peering down at the red skin of his hand that was starting to blister. 

There wasn’t a defining moment for Ben. It wasn’t something that he’d suddenly had an epiphany about over night. A moment where he realised he was numb. He just was, and he hated it. He could put his hand on top of a stove or run his hand under a hot tap for minutes at a time and just wish for a feeling that never came. 

Callum gripped Ben’s blistering hand tightly, careful not to hurt him but not wanting to let go. He led Ben to their toilet and closed the lid before gesturing for him to sit down. He went into their cabinet below the sink and began to pull out a first aid kid and ointment that he kept under there. This wasn’t the first time Callum had to treat Ben’s injuries and as much as he hoped it was, he was sure it wasn’t going to be the last. 

Something caught Ben’s eye as he scanned the bathroom floor, already regretting the flood he’d created when the sink had overflowed. Without saying a word, he pointed underneath the cabinet with his spare hand and let out a soft, unwavering laugh. A perplexed look washed over Callum’s face and he turned in his kneeling position next to Ben to see what he was pointing at. 

“What?” Callum asked as he put down the bandage he was starting to unfold and reached with his arm underneath the cabinet. There it was. The missing puzzle piece. 

“It has to be around here somewhere,” Lexi had told them the previous night as all three of them sat around the coffee table trying to understand why their jigsaw puzzle of the world map was missing a piece of the ocean. 

Ben sighed, “It’s alright, Princess. We’ve done most of it, it’s only a small piece.” 

“You can’t solve a jigsaw puzzle that doesn’t have all of the pieces, daddy,” Lexi replied, matter of factly.

Ben looked over at Callum who furrowed his brows. “No princess.” Ben paused and stared at Callum fondly, before his eyes flicked back towards his daughter. “No I suppose you can’t,” he smiled weakly, “But I’m sure the ocean can cope with a little less water.” 

Later that night, Ben had tucked Lexi into bed and insisted that her dad stayed with her until she fell asleep. 

“We’ll find it, daddy,” Lexi said, breaking the silence between them as a draft seeped in underneath the door. 

“What?” Ben asked before the realisation kicked in. “Oh, the puzzle piece. I’m sure it’ll turn up eventually, don’t worry.” 

Lexi nestled further under the duvet, pressing the side of her face into the pillow. “No,” Lexi replied, pausing and yawning. “Your smile. We’ll find it again,” she spoke softly before drifting off to sleep. 

Callum fiddled with the puzzle piece that he held in his hands. “Well, she wasn’t wrong you know,” Callum beamed, “We found it.” He placed the piece down on the sink next to the soap, making sure it wouldn’t get lost again. 

Ben frowned as Callum took the unfolded bandage from the side and gently wrapped Ben’s hand in it before standing up and placing a towel down on the floor where the water had escaped from the overflowing sink. 

Ben stood and wiped his bloodshot eyes that were now stinging, feeling like they’d sunken into his skull. He took out his contact lenses and replaced them with a spare pair of black glasses that he kept on a shelf in the bathroom. He felt a hand stroke through his hair behind him and leant into the touch. He turned and reached for Callum’s hand and led him a few steps backwards, gesturing for him to sit down on the toilet seat. 

“Your turn,” Ben sniffled and knelt down next to him. Callum raised his eyebrows, unsure of what Ben was asking of him. Ben placed both of his hands on Callum’s knees to steady himself and began to speak. “Earlier, I called you my hero and you...” Ben drifted off as he felt Callum shift beneath him uneasily. Callum swiped both of his hands down his face and covered his eyes, head in hands. Ben tilted his own head like a lost puppy, trying to see Callum’s expression between his fingers. He rubbed patterns into the skin of Callum’s legs where he was holding onto him. “Do you want to talk?” Ben whispered. 

Callum shook his head that was firmly glued into his hands. “I can’t,” he whispered, but Ben couldn’t hear him. He saw Callum’s head shake more vigorously than before, but didn’t let go. Callum realised Ben couldn’t read his lips and removed his hands from his face. His skin was pale and he was unresponsive, he just stared into Ben’s eyes, blinking slowly. 

Ben felt a vibration coming from his pocket as he pulled out his phone and opened the twelve unread messages from his dad, mostly consisting of ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ 

“You should go,” Callum responded, moving his hands to stroke Ben’s face, tilting it upwards. 

“I can stay,” Ben whispered softly, his fingers still tracing patterns along Callum’s skin affectionately. 

“You don’t need to,” Callum smiled weakly, “There’s always later.” 

***

Ben had been drinking for about half an hour now on the bench in the middle of the square, cursing under his breath every now and then, debating whether or not to shatter the glass bottle he was holding against his skin. Phil had blatantly yelled in his face for a few minutes and once he’d calmed down tried to find a loophole so that the man who Ben attacked wouldn’t press charges against him. He’d decided that blackmail and threats were one of their few options and demanded that Ben went home whilst he figured out where this person lived and what he could use against them. 

“Daddy?” Lexi asked, placing her hand on top of his as she sat down on the bench next to him. Ben looked up to see Shirley standing over them, holding a lighter in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She looked like a storm cloud that got lost amongst the other normal forecasted clouds. 

Lexi tapped his hand to get his attention. “What are you doing out here in the cold?” Lexi asked, rubbing up and down her arms and shivering as if to motion the word ‘cold’. 

Ben sighed and stroked his hand through Lexi’s hair, “I’m just thinking, babe.” 

“Dangerous that.” Shirley waved her cigarette in the air, smoke flying in every direction possible and choking. “Oops,” she laughed, in turn making Lexi giggle. “Have you spoke to your old man, Ben?” 

“Hm?” Ben asked, reaching under his glasses to rub his eyes, maintaining focus. 

“Your dad,” Shirley pointed her cigarette in the direction of the Mitchell house, continuing to choke. 

Ben hummed in response, putting down the bottle of alcohol he was holding onto the ground in front of him. Shirley walked towards him and took the bottle from him, taking a swig as she did so. She started choking again, “Fucks sake, I won’t have a throat left at this rate.” 

“Is that another bad word?” Lexi questioned her dad, putting her thumbs down and raising her eyebrows. 

“Yes, princess,” Ben nodded, “Don’t tell mommy when she gets back, alright?” He held out his pinky finger as Lexi wrapped hers around his. “Shirley shouldn’t be saying naughty words, should she?” 

Lexi shook her head, giggling as she unhooked her pinky finger from her dads. Shirley shook the bottle in her hand in front of Ben’s face. “Do you want me to break your index finger so you can stop pointing things out?” she threateningly teased. 

“You’re alright, Shirl,” Ben replied, snatching the bottle from her grip and depositing it back down on the ground next to the bench once again. 

Shirley picked it back up and took another swig. “Yeah, I suppose you’re alright too.” 

“What happened to your hand?” Lexi pointed to Ben’s other hand that he was unsuccessfully trying to hide from her by placing it underneath his leg. He lifted it up in the air and wiggled his fingers, the little girls eyes following its movements. “Does it hurt?” she asked him when she didn’t get a response.

He read her lips and responded, “No, of course it doesn’t, I’m brave.”

“And stupid,” Shirley mumbled, much to Lexi’s amusement. “Right,” Shirley declared, clicking her fingers in front of Ben’s face to get his attention, and picking up the glass bottle again from the floor. “I’m off,” she pointed towards the house, choking once again as she drank. Ben snatched the glass from her one final time as she glared at him. “Lucky I like you,” she snapped, before she strode off in the direction of the Mitchell household.

They watched as she walked off and Ben put his arm around Lexi as she snuggled into him on the bench. He kissed her forehead, the pair of them looking up at the sky where one single star was centred above their heads. 

Ben felt her poke his arm so he looked down. “Why is there only one star?” she asked pointing to where it shone, distant, holding up one finger. 

“Maybe that star just likes to be alone,” he answered passingly, running his hands over the top of her head, through her hair. 

“Why?” She signed, gesturing the question with her hands.

“Why, what?” Ben asked, shrugging his shoulders, mimicking her exaggerated movements. 

“Why would the star want to be alone?” Lexi asked curiously. 

Ben knew that moments like these were a difficult part of parenting. The promise of trying to keep your child safe and answering all of their questions, even the ones you didn’t know the answer to. 

“Sometimes stars,” Ben began, looking up again and focusing on the light, “They fall. If that one falls it won’t hurt any of the other stars around it.” He was unsure of what he was saying or if it even made sense, but Lexi stared at the light in the sky in awe, waiting for an answer. 

“Fall? Do they land here?” She poked her dad again to get his attention. 

Ben scrunched up his nose and smiled at the question, but before he could respond the little girl looked up at the sky once more and announced, “That star isn’t alone anyway, daddy. It’s got the whole sky around it!” She stretched her arms out and Ben laughed at her enthusiasm. 

“Do you think the stars are laughing with us too?” Lexi asked, after a brief pause in her interrogation. Ben wouldn’t want this any other way. 

“I think there’s a few people in the sky who are probably looking down and laughing at us right now, princess.” 

“Like who?” Lexi’s eyes shone bright with wonder as she signed the question ‘who?’

“Like people we loved who we used to laugh with, but they can’t laugh with us anymore,” Ben replied. He wondered if his answer was too profound for his eleven year old daughter, cuddled up against him on the splintering bench, but the slight intoxication had gotten to him already so he continued regardless. “Daddy was in love once, to a nice man named Paul. You would’ve liked him,” he said looking into the little girls eyes and bopping her cold nose, “I reckon he’d be laughing with us right now.”

“Where’s Paul now daddy? Is he watching the stars too?” Lexi asked, as Ben’s eyes brimmed with tears, a vision of the man he loved so dearly creeping back into his mind.

“Somewhere,” he whispered. “Yeah, somewhere.” Ben felt as though he could cry and swiftly stood up from the bench, picking Lexi up in his arms as his bottom lip trembled. He left the glass bottle next to the bench, half empty, half full. 

“Right, princess,” Ben said. “Fancy sleeping at grandad’s tonight? Me and Callum need to have an adult chat,” he explained, the little girl nodding, asking no further questions and yawning as she embraced Ben, allowing him to carry her back to the house. 

***

Once they got to the house, Ben approached his dad who was sat in the living room alone, simply telling him, “We’ll sort it.” Phil nodded briefly acknowledging his presence, too tired to put up a fight. 

Ben carried a sleeping Lexi up to his old childhood bedroom and tucked her into bed, whispering a soft “goodnight” against her forehead. He turned to look out the window and that’s when he saw it. A large stone hit the window, glass shattering everywhere onto the bedroom floor like tiny fragments of fucking snow.


	5. Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ drugs, suicide, death, swearing (lots of swearing), alcohol

“Wrong window, halfwit!” Shirley yelled from the upstairs window of the Mitchell house, looking down at the tall man stood on the pavement below. He’d been blindly throwing rocks at Phil and Shirley’s bedroom window for about ten minutes, unaware that Ben’s bedroom was the next window over. 

“It’s that one you willy!” Shirley bellowed angrily, pointing her finger in the direction of the next window over, her arms hanging out of the open window.

“Do you mean wally?” Callum asked, picking up another stone and throwing it in the direction of the next window along, his eye contact firmly intact with Shirley’s. There was an earth shattering sound that made the pair flinch as they looked over to see the window to Ben’s bedroom shattered in fragments, falling like snowflakes to the ground below. 

Callum turned his head slowly from the broken glass window back towards Shirley. “No I didn’t mean wally,” she blinked slowly, unamused expression plastered across her face again. “I meant complete fucking idiot,” she yelled attempting to slam her window shut smoothly which resulted in an ear piercing shriek due to the stiffness and old material of it. 

“Callum!” Ben screamed out of the window, realising who the culprit was. “What the fuck?” 

“Well I did say we needed to talk later!” Callum yelled back in an attempt to lighten the mood. It was January so the dark nights had rolled in quickly and Ben could barely make out Callum’s face with his vision let alone read his lips.

“You what?” Ben asked, putting his hand behind his ear and tilting his head slightly. “I’m a bit deaf,” he teased.

Callum rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket for his phone whilst Ben squinted to see what the other man was doing. He noticed the older man’s hand move quickly, the silver band enlacing his wedding finger that Ben had given to him on Christmas Day still firmly in place, glinting underneath the starlight. Ben felt a vibration in his back pocket and pulled out his phone, his screen lighting up with a text from Callum that read: ‘I said there’s always later’.

Ben laughed and flailed his arms around in an exaggerated circular motion, gesturing towards the window frame. “Yeah I thought you meant tomorrow, you fucking donut, you’ve broke my window!” Ben announced. 

“You’re my fiancé! Am I not allowed to do grand romantic gestures?” Callum’s voice echoed into the square, but Ben couldn’t hear him. Instead he turned around, feeling a presence behind him. Lexi was stood next to him clinging onto her unicorn toy nervously. Ben picked her up, not wanting her to step in any shards of glass that lay stray across the floor. 

“Hey princess,” he greeted her, kissing her forehead as she yawned. “It’s only Callum being silly, don’t worry.” 

The little girl peered out of the window through the cracks in the glass to see Callum stood in the street arguing with Phil. Ben cursed under his breath and held Lexi safely in the grip of his arms, quickly descending the stairs, and making his way out of their back kitchen door onto the streets. Shirley was stood in their gateway in a bathrobe, cigarette lit in her hand, blowing out smoke straight into Ben’s face. Ben choked and covered Lexi’s head, protecting her from the smoke blowing in their direction. 

“They’ll give you cancer them things,” Ben coughed as Shirley attempted to waft the smoke away with her spare hand. 

Ben couldn’t make out what Phil and Callum were arguing about but he had a pretty good idea, and Shirley’s amused expression confirmed his suspicions. 

“Dad!” Ben whispered angrily, tutting him and shaking his head. Phil put his arms down and turned his body to face his son. “We don’t wanna draw anymore attention to ourselves, do we?” Ben asked, trying to reason with his short tempered father. Callum had his head down, sulking and fiddling with the ring on his fingers. 

Phil pointed at the shattered window of his house and then pointed and glared at Callum before turning back towards Ben. Shirley stood by the back gate laughing as the scene between the men played out in front of her. 

‘Fix,’ Phil signed to Ben simply, before re-entering the house and turning off the light in the kitchen. 

“Oi!” Shirley shouted back at him, “I’m still out here you bald headed pillock.” She dropped her cigarette swiftly to the floor and crushed it beneath the slippers on her feet. “Stubborn prick,” Shirley mumbled under her breath, making her way back into the house and slamming the gate shut. They saw all of the lights in the house switch off as they stood outside in the cold. Ben was glaring at Callum, a half asleep Lexi still cuddled up in his arms. Callum looked up, catching Ben’s gaze and pouting innocently at him. “Oops,” Callum whispered, shrugging his shoulders and looking back down at the floor like a sulking child who’d been told off by their parents. 

Callum felt a rough, cold hand stroke across his cheek, encouraging him to raise his head to look up. Ben met Callum’s bright blue eyes with his own as he continued to sway lightly, cradling Lexi in his arms. 

“You’re lucky I think you’re cute,” Ben said simply, gaining a small smile from Callum who felt a blush creeping up onto his skin. There was a comfortable pause between them as they stood on the dark streets staring into each other’s eyes. 

Callum raised his eyebrows, “Are you flirting with me?” 

Ben removed his hand from where it was lingering on Callum’s face and placed it on Lexi’s back once again. He rolled his eyes and smiled, “Right,” Ben began. “Let’s try not smash nana Kathy’s windows shall we?” 

They made their way across the square, Callum’s arm wrapped around Ben’s shoulder and after a brief interaction with Kathy explaining that they needed some space to talk, they handed over Lexi to her and headed off in the direction of the Albert. 

*** 

“I think I might need to get my eyes checked out you know,” Callum pointed out, chuckling at Ben who rolled another bottle of beer in his direction. They sat next to each other at the bar on stools at The Albert, laughing over the window incident like it was a distant memory. They were both highly intoxicated at this point and Ben was starting to see colours he didn’t know existed as he read Callum’s lips.

“Maybe you’d see the world a lot differently if you were blind,” Ben commented, raising his beer bottle in the air, steadying himself on the bar stool he was sat on. 

“If I were blind I wouldn’t see anything,” Callum chuckled, tapping the frame of Ben’s glasses that he was still wearing, slanted on his face. 

Ben smiled fondly at the older man sat next to him, “Exactly.” 

Ben sniffed the air in the space in between them. “Are you wearing my aftershave?” Ben asked, sloppily attempting to poke Callum in the ribs. 

He thought back to the last time they’d gotten this drunk together at an Easter party Sharon threw at the Vic. 

“I think you’ve broken me, Ben,” Callum winced, kneeling over, hand resting in between his legs. Ben was convinced someone was attacking him when Callum creeped up on him and accidentally kicked Callum before he had the chance to realise who it was. 

“I don’t think you’ll be able to have kids after this,” Ben patted Callum’s shoulders, urging him to sit down at a nearby table. 

“Well I am gay, Ben,” Callum said hissing as he sat down. 

Ben laughed louder than he should’ve as he replied, “Oh right I forgot.” 

They’d walked home that night pushing each other into walls and bushes, trying desperately to make it back to their flat in one piece. 

“Do you remember when Jay threw a plant pot at you?” Callum asked reminiscing as he reached over and stole Ben’s beer from his hand. ‘Come on Eileen’ was blasting through the speakers of The Albert at this point and Callum thanked his lucky stars that Ben couldn’t hear anything because he knew how much he hated this song. 

“My dad threw a pot at my head the once,” Ben laughed, gripping onto the bar for support. “Said it was too bright so he chucked it and it smashed off the wall behind me.” Callum gave Ben a pitiful smile so Ben continued, “It’s alright he was off his head to be fair. Guess some people just don’t like colourful things.” 

Callum placed the empty glass bottle back down onto the bar as he gulped down the rest of the liquid burning the back of his throat. He turned in his seat, his entire body facing Ben. 

“Are you gonna tell me why you were beating up some poor sod then?” Callum inquired slowly, ensuring Ben could understand him under the harsh neon lights flashing throughout the building. 

“Are you gonna tell me why fucking cock up Eileen has been blasting through the speakers and you haven’t told me?” Ben laughed, turning in his seat and mirroring Callum’s position, slotting one of his legs in between both of Callum’s. 

He hated that song. 

Callum rolled his eyes and shook his head, rubbing his head with his hand. Ben had seen the lyrics flashing off of the karaoke machine that his mom had invested in a few months ago. 

“Callum you’re my boyfriend not my mother, stop worrying will ya?” Ben suggested, suddenly standing up and dragging Callum up with him. 

“Speaking of mothers,” Ben began, reaching behind Callum and picking up Callum’s coat, sliding it around his own torso. “Let’s go and crash on mine’s sofa, shall we?” he asked. Ben then picked up his own coat and wrapped it around Callum so that they were wearing each other’s. 

“Right pair of idiots, ain’t we?” Callum grinned as he struggled to pull his sleeve through Ben’s much smaller coat. Ben dragged him towards the entrance of the bar and out onto the streets. 

“FUCKING EILEEEEEEN!” Ben drunkenly screamed once the cold air had hit both of their faces. He let go of Callum’s hand and looked up at the sky as he spun in a disorientated circle. 

“What’s all this then?” a female voice asked in the distance, Callum immediately recognising who it was. 

Callum grabbed Ben’s arm who was blissfully oblivious, reeling him in from where he was spinning in circles uncontrollably in the middle of the road. Ben resisted and insisted that Callum was ruining his fun until his eyes landed on Jay and Lola who were getting out of a taxi metres away from them. 

“Ain’t you meant to be looking after our daughter?” Lola raised her eyebrows accusingly, eyeing the drunken men up and down. Jay pulled two bags and a travel pillow out of the taxi and thanked the driver as he pulled away and drove around the corner. 

Ben wrapped his arms around Callum’s neck kissing it roughly as he ignored Lola, reaching the stage of his drunken state where he was overly clingy. Callum wrapped one arm around Ben in return to steady them and make sure Ben didn’t fall flat on his face onto the cement road below them. 

“She’s having a sleepover at Kathy’s,” Callum recalled, brushing over the reasons as to why: the fact that he’d smashed his future father-in-law’s upstairs window. Ben lazily pressed kisses onto the side of Callum’s face, standing on his tip toes so that he could reach higher up. Jay approached them with the 2 bags and the pillow in his hand and threw the pillow in the direction of Ben, hitting him in the chest. Ben stopped in his actions and turned his head to see Jay standing there, his arms wide open. 

“Jay!” Ben exclaimed excitedly, noticing his brother for the first time. He stumbled over to him and embraced him into a warm hug, his hold on him a little too tight for Jay’s liking. 

“Alright don’t strangle me,” Jay grinned, pulling Ben off of him. 

A car beeped behind them and headlights shone brightly onto their faces. “Get out of the road dickheads!” the voice yelled at them, as all 4 of them shifted onto the pavement. Jay put his middle finger up at the driver of the car as it passed them. 

“I thought you weren’t coming back til tomorrow,” Callum stated as he tried to ply Ben away from Jay. 

Jay joked, “Aren’t you happy to see us?” 

Lola winced holding onto her stomach, as Jay rubbed his hand soothingly across her back asking if she was okay. “This baby is gonna pop out of me any minute at this rate,” Lola hissed as she held onto Jay’s arm, the baby kicking her from inside her stomach. She was just coming up to 7 months along now, her bump was starting to show considerably more than it was at Christmas. Jay kept making jokes about them having two ginger twins, much to Lola’s displeasure. 

‘If we’re having twins, you can push the second one out for me then, can’t ya?’ Ben remembered Lola saying before walking off from Jay in a strop. She’d moved from one side of the cafe to the other to go and sit with Ben who was alone in the corner booth, glaring at Jay the entire time as she took her tea with her. 

“Tell you what I have had enough,” she said as she slid in the chair opposite him. Ben looked up from his cup, Lola noticing his puffy, red eyes from where he’d been crying. 

He sniffled and Lola reached across the table placing her hand on top of Ben’s. She waited for him to speak knowing that if she asked him if he was okay he’d only lie to her and brush off the question.

Ben let go of his cup and wrapped Lola’s hand in both of his. He sniffled, “I’ve messed it all up again, Lo.” He gazed into her eyes, brushing his thumbs over the back of Lola’s hand. “Just like I mess everything up.”

He knew that he didn’t have to explain himself because they’d had this conversation over and over again. It was like a scratched vinyl that just played on repeat and every now and then it would skip a note. She didn’t care what he’d done this time or what he was going to do next time, because she loved him unconditionally. They were family. 

Lola smiled pitifully at Ben, her eyelashes fluttering as she blinked, concentrating. She told him what she’d told him time and time again. “You can be happy, Ben,” she said slowly so that he could understand.

Lola didn’t believe in much, but she did believe in that. 

“Let’s get you home, yeah?” Jay said as he held Lola upright and they began walking in the direction of Billy’s place where Jay and Lola were still staying during the course of her pregnancy. Ben and Callum followed behind them making sure they got home safely.

Once they’d got there, Jay opened the door to the flat and went through. Ben was still clinging onto Callum, his arms wrapped around his neck, trying to balance his unsteady self. 

“You could be, Ben,” Lola said. 

“Could be what?” Ben asked. 

She turned around hesitantly before entering, the door ajar. “Happy,” Lola replied.

Ben shrugged his shoulders as his eyes flickered between Lola and Callum, Callum’s expression one of bewilderment. She signed the words ‘grumpy’ and drew a heart with her fingers in the air and smiled cheekily at Ben. Ben put his middle finger up at her and stuck his tongue out as she closed the door behind her. 

***

They returned to the Beale household singing ‘Come On Eileen’ all the way there. Ben was swearing and getting all of the lyrics wrong but Callum didn’t seem to mind. Seconds after they’d entered through the kitchen of the house Callum was shushing Ben as Ben moaned, sloppily kissing Callum’s neck. Callum froze in his position causing Ben to stop as he noticed the older man tense up. 

“Oh, the lights still on,” Ben noted, as he opened the door that connected the kitchen and the dining room. Kathy was sat in the armchair with her back towards Ben and Callum. They started to stumble over towards her, complaining about her being up past her bedtime. Except she wasn’t. 

Her tea was cold and so was her skin. It was cold, of course it was, Ben thought to himself. The fucking snow never seemed to end. 

“Mom,” Ben whispered, shaking her gently by the shoulder. “Mom, wake up,” he said softly. 

She didn’t move. 

That’s when he noticed the overflowing drug container and the note on the table. That’s when his gentle shakes turned into violent, careless ones. 

“MOM, WAKE UP!” Ben screamed, tears beginning to flood his eyes as Callum tried to pry Ben off of her. Her eyes were firmly shut and her lips were chapped and pale. 

Ben’s eyes stung from the tears that were staining his cheeks, rolling off of his chin as spit flew out of his mouth in every direction. Callum tightly took a hold of Ben, doing anything he could to try and drag him away from her, because he knew. He knew she was gone, but Ben didn’t want to believe it. He begged him to calm down but Ben was persistent. He helplessly shook her pale, lifeless body and begged for her to wake up. 

But she never did.


	6. I loved you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ mentions of suicide, self abuse, drugs
> 
> just lots of pain and suffering really 
> 
> A BIG STORM IS COMING :)

Blue flashing lights pierced Callum’s vision as he struggled to calm Ben down, clutching onto him and dragging him backwards onto the floor away from Kathy’s lifeless body. In between the chaos and the screaming, Lexi and Bobby had woken up upstairs and Bobby had called an ambulance, Callum urging him to keep Lexi away and sending her upstairs. Jay was also called to come and collect Lexi, explaining briefly that they’d found Kathy with pills, unresponsive. The paramedics arrived shortly after, one of which being a colleague of Callum’s, who confirmed that she was dead. He couldn’t remember how long he’d held Ben for that night, cooing and shushing him, begging the universe to stop his pain. He’d seen Ben like this before. Hurting. Yet, nothing prepared him for the hurricane that was Kathy’s suicide. 

Ben just kept thinking ‘why.’ She’d already left him once. Why did everyone around him always leave? Alas, he didn’t get the chance to read the note that she’d left. All of his energy was taken up by the overwhelming crushing pain in his chest. Callum cradled him in his arms for hours, listening to the quietening sobs of the younger boy who was deteriorating in his arms, waiting for time to heal them.

Two days. 

Ben stayed in bed for two days, barely moving or responding, allowing the duvet he was wrapped up in to suffocate him as he lay there on his side. Soundless. 

People tried to visit him and sit with him but he just stared blankly at the blue walls in front of him. Lola had managed to convince Lexi that he was ‘only ill’ and that ‘he’d get better soon’, in fear of the heartbreak Lexi would go through if she witnessed her dad in this state. Callum had booked time off of work for a family emergency, which this was. Ben was his family and he needed to look after him. He cuddled up to him at night and traced patterns onto his back attempting to comfort Ben, but he refused to talk to anyone. Callum believed he couldn’t cry in front of Ben right now; that it would make him selfish and weak. So, he made sure that he ate and drank and he’d sit with him in silence just entangling his fingers through his hair as Ben closed his eyes, tears sliding off of his cheeks and across to his nose, falling like shards of broken glass onto the sheets below. 

Today was different. 

Callum was sat on the sofa untying his shoe laces as he’d just came home from the shops. He looked up when he heard a tiny sniffle and realised Ben was stood by the kitchen counter staring at Callum from across the flat. He was wearing an oversized grey hoodie that belonged to Callum and joggers that he’d been lying in for days.

Today, he’d gotten out of bed. 

Ben wiped his running nose on the sleeve of the hoodie which was covering the majority of his hands, his fingertips peering out from underneath the fabric. His bloodshot eyes were red and puffy and he’d put on his black glasses that appeared slanted and fogging up, resting on the bridge of his nose. His eyes almost looked sore to Callum, like they’d been set alight and all that were left were faint outlines. He’d never seen Ben in so much pain and he hated it. All he wanted to do was fix it and make everything go away, but he couldn’t. It was breaking them.

Callum stay sat on the sofa as Ben made his way slowly over to him, head down, like a lost puppy with its tail between its legs. He walked past Callum, his legs brushing against his knees as he did so, and sat down next to him. Their legs were touching, brushing against each other ever so slightly, bare feet feeling cold on the rug underneath them. Ben raised his head to meet Callum’s eyes who gazed at him unsure of what to say, waiting for Ben to talk.

“I’m so tired,” Ben whispered, words barely croaking out of his mouth, his voice sounding rusty and hoarse. 

Callum leant forward and closed his eyes, feeling Ben’s forehead touch his. His hands reached up holding either side of Ben’s face, his stubble thicker than usual because of his lack of self care. They stayed like this for a few minutes, eyes closed, holding one another. 

Callum leant back eventually and once he was sure Ben’s eyes were open again, stated, “I’m going to run you a bath.” It was an order and Ben didn’t refuse, simply standing to his feet and following Callum into the bathroom. Callum plugged the hole of the bath and began to run the hot tap, checking the temperature with his fingers and running the cold tap slightly towards the end to ensure the water was warm and not scolding to the touch. Ben sat on the toilet seat staring blankly at the tiles beneath his feet. 

“Is it weird?” Ben asked hoarsely, fidgeting with the ring covering the scar of the remnants of his ‘Paul’ tattoo with his bandaged hand from where he’d burnt himself mere nights ago under their tap. 

Callum faced him as he turned off the water and approached Ben, kneeling down next to him. “Is what weird?” He replied, unsure of what the younger man was asking of him. 

“Not,” Ben paused as his eyes lifted to the ceiling, new tears threatening to form. He gulped and continued, feeling a tight knot in his throat. “Not having a mom.” Ben shook his head as he said those words. “I mean, she wasn’t here for so much of my life but now that I’ve seen her properly like her body,” Ben rambled, “Properly seen her...dead, I just can’t get it out of my head.” 

He sniffled and pulled down the sleeve of the hoodie just enough so that he could wipe his eyes with it. Callum felt his eyes watering but chose to ignore it, an aching sensation in his chest. He put his hands on either side of Ben’s waist and said, “It will get easier, Ben. I promise.” 

Those words echoed in Ben’s mind, thinking back to when Kathy had said those exact same words to him years before when he’d lost Paul. “I loved you,” Ben had repeated, glaring at the grave of his former lover. “I loved you and you left. You left. You left me,” he sobbed. 

Maybe it didn’t get easier but he was certain that life moved on. He just wasn’t ready to push forward yet. 

Ben nodded his head, almost forcing himself to believe Callum’s words and stood up, carefully removing his clothes and stepping into the bath one foot at a time. He lowered himself down feeling the water encase him. Since moving flats, they had gotten a bigger bathroom with a much bigger bath. Much to Callum’s dismay, he still couldn’t fit in it but Ben could just about stretch his legs comfortably enough to enjoy it. His knees were somewhat bent as he was too small for the tub but he didn’t care, because he felt warm. He could feel. 

Callum smiled weakly as Ben let out a soft hum, his body soaking in the water. His arms rested either side of the tub as to not dampen the bandage that was wrapped around his hand. Callum reached out and placed his hand on top of Ben’s bandaged one, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb. 

“Ben,” Callum said, establishing eye contact before continuing to speak. “Shall I take this off now?” He asked, referring to the bandage and squeezing Ben’s hand tenderly. 

Ben nodded his head and turned his hand over so that his palm was facing upwards, giving Callum his consent with a quiet, “Please.” 

He appeared small and childlike to Callum, seemingly lost. He wasn’t certain when Ben would heal but he had to hold onto the idea that things would get easier for him as time passed. Callum removed the bandage and treated Ben’s hand, faint marks and small scabs crawling across the surface of his skin. 

Callum stood up from his position and walked over to their higher up cabinet above their sink, opening it and retrieving a bottle of coconut shampoo. He closed the cabinet and made his way over to the tub, sitting on the edge next to where Ben’s hand was resting. He held a jug in his other hand that was positioned on the side of the sink, occasionally using it to wash Lexi’s hair with when she stayed over.

Ben leant his head back in anticipation as Callum filled the jug with water and let it run over Ben’s hair, stroking it back with his fingers as he did so. When Ben’s eyes fluttered open, once the water had ran its course, he noticed the sky outside of their small window. He pointed toward the window with his scarred hand. “Why is there only one star?” He asked Callum, mirroring Lexi’s question from a few days ago. A moment where he’d felt content. 

Callum turned his head to the window to see a single star that shone blindingly amongst the darkness. He flipped open the cap on the shampoo bottle and squeezed a small amount into his hand as he put it back down on the side of the tub. “Well,” Callum thought, rubbing his hands together to create a soapy lather. “Maybe that star’s important.” 

Ben leant into Callum’s touch as his eyes fluttered shut, feeling the shampoo being massaged into his scalp. It was comforting and that’s all he needed to feel right now. Callum ran his fingers through Ben’s hair, attempting to cover every lock in the bubbling lather. He didn’t need to take care of him, but he wanted to. He massaged it in further and Ben felt as thought he could sink under the water and stay there forever. Callum removed the shampoo carefully, refilling the jug and tipping it over Ben’s head, trying not to get any of the hot liquid in his eyes. He stroked his hand through Ben’s hair one final time, before placing the jug back down. 

Ben’s eyes opened again, glancing back out of the window at the lone star. He turned to face Callum who was eyeing him curiously. 

“Why you interested in the sky all of a sudden, baby?” Callum asked politely, his wet hand interlinking with Ben’s dry, faintly scarred one. 

Ben sighed softly, “Lexi was asking me questions about the stars a few nights ago when I was drunk and I can barely remember what I said to her.” 

The sides of Callum’s mouth turned up into a small smile, thinking about the blonde girl with the bright blue eyes and the most expansive imagination. 

“That star,” Callum said, pointing in the direction of the window but not breaking eye contact with Ben. “That’s the North Star. I don’t remember much about my own mom but I remember her pointing that out every night before I’d go to sleep when I was little,” Callum explained. “She’d say something along the lines of ‘Even if I’m not here in the morning when you wake up that star is going to watch over you and take care of you okay?’ I’d just nod and fall asleep not thinking much of it. One night she must’ve meant it because I woke up and she’d gone. Never saw her again.” 

Callum had signed some of the words and made sure to enunciate what he was saying so Ben understood most of it, filling in the gaps for himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben said softly, his eyes boring into Callum’s as he played with the engagement ring on the other man’s finger that he’d put there. 

“It’s alright,” Callum said, shaking his head. “The stars still there, ain’t it? Who knows maybe she’s looking at it somewhere too, eh?”

“Somewhere,” Ben whispered. 

***

Ben had complained that his skin was starting to resemble the exterior of a rotten prune, and Callum was happy that glimmers of his humour were seeping back through, having not spoken properly to him in two days. 

There was a knock on the door shortly after as Ben sat in a bathrobe on the sofa, snuggled up to Callum, playing with the fabric of his hoodie which he’d reclaimed his own again. They hesitantly moved from their comfortable position in one another’s arms as Phil came bursting through the door. 

He looked intent and immediately knelt down next to where Ben was sitting. He hadn’t seen him since the incident occurred not even bothering to visit him. It was only Shirley who had came alone. 

“When you left the house that night,” Phil began, holding onto Ben’s knees tightly as he was struggling to kneel on the floor. “The door.” He pointed towards the door to emphasise the word. “Did you close the door?” He gestured with his hands a closing motion. 

Ben looked between Callum and his dad nervously as Callum shook his head, signalling uncertainty in response. Phil sighed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. Ben recognised the yellow material as a section out of his mom’s notebook that she’d always carried around with her everywhere. She made her shopping lists on there, planned big events for The Albert on there, she wrote everything on there. Except for this. The note. 

The suicide note, or so that’s what it appeared to be until Ben read it. 

He skimmed over the words on the paper quickly, a raging fire crawling up his neck as a wild fury overwhelmed his entire being. There was a drawing of a heart encircling the words: ‘This one’s for you, Ben’.


	7. And I’m sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse

Callum had read the note over Ben’s shoulder and watched as the fire rose throughout his fiancé’s body. He didn’t recognise the handwriting; it was cursive and messy, almost resembling how he’d used to write when he was a teenager. 

Ben’s hands were violently shaking as his palms drew blood, nails digging into his skin. The paper was crumpled, piercing his skin as his lips began to tremble. His mom hadn’t chosen to leave him, someone had chosen that for her. Phil stood up from his kneeling position and huffed, wiping his hand down his face signalling his stress. 

“Fuck!” Ben yelled, picking up the nearest pillow to him and throwing it across the room in a strike of anger. The loosely hung mirror on the adjacent wall had fallen on impact and the shards of glass that were once inside stretched across the ground in fragments, broken. Callum flinched at the splintering sound it caused as Ben rose from his sitting position, striding across the room towards the disjointed mirror. He picked up a hefty shard of glass that lay astray inside the frame and waved it around in the air, his dad staring at him in frustration. 

“This is HIM, ain’t it?” Ben raised his voice, disgust lacing his tone. “You should’ve let me kick him to death.” 

Callum looked alarmed as Ben approached his dad with the shard of glass, anxiously awaiting for him to use it as a weapon. Phil shook his head, “How was I meant to know he’d do this, eh?” 

“Who?” Callum asked, but Phil avoided eye contact with him. 

He took a step closer to Ben and put his hand on his shoulder. ‘Who?’ Callum signed and Ben closed his eyes slowly and sighed. There was a pause before he reopened them and shook his head. 

“Tell me, Ben,” Callum demanded. “Was this the bloke you was beating up? I can help-“ Callum was cut off as Ben threw his arms up in the air. 

“I don’t need your help, Callum!” Ben yelled. The shard of glass that he was once holding falling to the floor and breaking into two. 

Phil sat down on their sofa and put his head in his hands. He thought for a moment as the couple eyed him. 

“Tell him,” Phil ordered, pointing at Callum as he did so. Ben rolled his eyes and let out a growl. “Ben, tell him or I will,” Phil said, gesturing towards Callum and himself. 

Ben waited several moments, his eyes flickering between his dad and Callum who was anxiously waiting for him to continue talking. He wondered if it was worth it: potentially hurting Callum. 

“Do you ever think about her?” Ben had asked when they’d sat in the bathroom together, Ben soaking in the water as Callum watched over him. Callum smiled and took Ben’s hand in his. “Think about who?” He asked, signing the question ‘who?’

“Your mom,” Ben stated. “If she ever, you know, if she did ever come back, what would you do?” 

Callum lightly brushed over a tiny scar on Ben’s hand that had been left by the burning. He made sure Ben was looking at him before saying, “I think she’d be happy that I’d found a bright star to take care of me.” He squeezed Ben’s hand to let him know that he was referring to him. “Maybe I’d just scream at her or laugh or cry. It wouldn’t even matter really, because she’d be back and maybe that would be enough,” Callum finished. 

Callum was still waiting for a reply, holding onto Ben’s shoulder and gesturing for him to continue as Phil tapped his fingers against the arm of the sofa. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Callum,” Ben whispered, his bottom lip trembling as he uttered the words. He didn’t want to cry anymore but he felt as though he couldn’t stop the tears that were escaping. Callum’s heart was pounding in his chest. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to hear what Ben had to say, but he needed to know. 

Phil stood up from his place and motioned for Callum to sit down, telling them he’d make some tea for them in the kitchen. A kind gesture from Phil was probably more of a red flag for Callum than anything else. 

The pair of them sat next to each other, knees barely touching but it was enough that they could feel one another. Ben took both of Callum’s hands in his, holding them individually, fearing that Callum would flee. 

“A few years ago I dated a man who I thought I knew,” Ben explained, looking down at where his and Callum’s hands were entangled. “His name was Luke.”

“Browning?” Callum asked, tilting Ben’s head up to look him in the eye. Ben seemed confused so Callum repeated, “Browning? Luke Browning?” 

Ben squinted his eyes at Callum underneath his glasses seemingly even more perplexed than he was before. 

Callum expanded, “Me and your mom spoke about him once when I crashed on her sofa. I’d been on the bottle,” Callum made a gesture with his hands to signal drinking, letting go of Ben’s hands momentarily before linking them together again. Ben shyly looked away, wondering how much his mom had actually revealed to Callum. 

Callum reached for Ben’s chin, tilting it up. “It’s okay,” he said reassuringly, “I’m not gonna go running for the hills, Ben.”

Ben’s eyebrows lifted slightly, a look of adoration on his face for the man sat in front of him. He blinked a few times, allowing the tears to slip gently down his face. 

“He, uh,” Ben stuttered unsure of what to say or how to say it. The words faltered, struggling to find their way out of his mouth. Phil was stirring the cups in the kitchen pretending not to listen as he thought back to what had happened to his son. 

Ben took a deep breath as Callum wiped some of the tears off of his face for him with the pad of his thumb. “He beat, uh, he beat me,” Ben stuttered involuntarily, choking on his words. 

Callum couldn’t bare to see Ben in pain, but it appeared that’s all he could see these days, wondering if the younger mans genuine smile would ever return. He took both of his hands and wrapped them around Ben, drawing him into a hug as Ben lightly sobbed. Phil lingered awkwardly in the kitchen before deciding to approach them, placing two mugs down onto the coffee table in front of them. He leant forward and picked up the two shards of glass that Ben had shattered onto the ground moments ago. After accidentally pricking himself with one, he discarded them into the kitchen bin and sat down on the three seater next to Ben. He put a hand on Ben’s back which caused him to flinch and turn his head to face Phil. 

He picked up the note that lay crumpled next to his feet on the floor and showed it to Callum. “We think Luke is behind this,” Phil explained. 

That’s when it all started to fall into place. 

Phil told Callum that he’d ordered a hit on Luke, taken him away from the square and they hadn’t seen him since. Until last week. He’d turned up at the arches whilst Ben and Phil were discussing business plans and threatened to get his revenge by killing everyone that Ben loved, just like he tried to kill him. He manipulated him, told Ben that he’d asked for the abuse and that he’d liked it. ‘Liked it?’ Those words echoed around in his head, sticking like fire to a wooden frame. That’s when Ben snapped. It was like something had possessed his body and he couldn’t think for himself anymore. He was just a raging ball of flames that had been set alight by the man in front of him. When he did eventually come round, Luke was fleeting in and out of consciousness on the cement floor beneath his feet and blood had left stains on Ben’s fists. 

Perhaps he’d gotten his revenge sooner than Ben had hoped. He knew what he was capable of, he just didn’t want to believe it.

Callum held Ben’s hand comfortingly and looked at him solemnly. He stated, “We’ll fix this.” 

***

“You have to go, right now,” Ben demanded, spitting everywhere in his rage.

It was the day of Kathy’s will reading and all Ben had done for the past 5 days was lay in bed and watch ridiculous shows that Callum had put on in an attempt to cheer him up. He thought he cried less as the days went on, but it wasn’t getting any easier. He hadn’t left the house until today and Lola insisted that she brought Lexi along to the house where they were all gathering so that she could see her dad. Ben didn’t mind as he knew deep down that Lexi would understand that if she saw her dad crying that he was upset and that was okay.

Jay had broken the news to her that her nan had passed away, sparing her the details of how it happened. Her first question was if her dad was okay, and she’d left him a text from Lola’s phone yesterday saying that she missed him and couldn’t wait to see him. It made Ben’s heart melt and reassured him that he still had people around him. He wasn’t just a lonely bright star floating amidst darkness. 

Everyone was already in the house apart from Ben who’d told Callum he needed some air. That’s when someone unexpected showed up. 

Ian. 

“I’m serious, Ian,” Ben whispered furiously. “My dad is going to literally kill you.” 

They argued for a good five minutes before Ian decided to leave, Ben urging him that is was for his own safety and that if he wanted money that badly maybe he should think twice before drowning children on boats. He hadn’t seen his brother in years and despite holding a grudge against him, he‘d had enough bloodshed and tears for one week. 

Or so he’d hoped. 

Ben re-emerged into the house, everyone sat around on the sofas and the chairs of the dining table, preparing for the will to be read. Lola was sat playing a game with Lexi on her phone having already reunited with Ben.

“Daddy!” She’d squealed clutching tightly onto him, as Ben picked her up and span her around in the air. She signed ‘I love you’ to him and he signed it back as she told him all about her week. “Nanny is laughing at the stars somewhere with Paul now,” she’d whispered, pointing outside of the living room window to the grey clouds floating in the sky. Ben had nodded, kissing her forehead and wondering where ‘somewhere’ was, hoping that it wasn’t too far from him. 

Jay received a phone call telling him that there was an emergency at the car lot and that he’d be back soon. 

“Look after her whilst I’m gone, yeah?” Jay had told Callum, pointing in the direction of Lola. Callum nodded, thinking nothing of it, but glancing over at Lola every so often to check she was still there. 

“Right,” the man in a black suit spoke, as he held a piece of paper up in the air. “Here we go, everybody.” 

Ben sat down next to Callum at the dining table, their legs brushing against one another as Callum gave Ben a reassuring smile and placed his hand on top of Ben’s shaking knee. 

“If you are reading this, I am dead,” the man began. “Please don’t attempt to dig me up from the ground to steal whatever jewellery I was buried with.” 

Everyone in the room let out a slight laugh. A copy of the will was placed in front of Ben and Callum followed the words that the man was saying with his finger, so that Ben could follow along and not get lost. He read out a few more lines, explaining that she’d left all of her grandchildren a sum of money, much to Bobby and Lexi’s delight who were present in the room. They’d heard off of Peter and assured him that they’d let him know the details of the will as he was busy with his son, Louis, who was currently ill. Stuart and Rainie had somehow barged their way into this family gathering, not that anybody minded. 

“To my ex-husband, Phil,” the man spoke as Ben read on, waiting for a punch line he already knew was coming. “I leave you with a bill from the cafe, as you never seemed to pay for any of the drinks or bacon rolls that I gave you.” 

Ben teared up slightly as he read the words and looked over at his dad who was sat opposite him laughing. Phil winked at him and put his thumb up at him. “Cheers, Kath,” he announced, causing everyone to chuckle.

“To my dearest Ian, I leave the cafe,” he read. “It seemed we played pass the parcel with that building so consider this the final round.” Ben saw Phil sigh at the mention of the name and rolled his eyes, praying to himself that Ian would stay away for the rest of the day. The will reader continued, leaving a sweet message for Ian in Kathy’s own words as she did for everyone.

“Finally, to my little Ben,” he declared. “I will always regret leaving you. I hope one day you’ll understand that you are loved and that you can be happy if you just let yourself be. I love you, Ben and I’m sorry. I meant what I said. We don’t ever have to stop dancing,” the man spoke as Ben read the final words on the page. 

The droplets of tears had ran down his face and onto the page as he started to choke up, letting out small noises as Callum shushed him and rubbed his back with the hand that was previously resting on his knee. 

He didn’t know how long he cried for, and he wasn’t sure he would ever stop. 

***

Lola had made her way upstairs to the front bedroom with Lexi who was sorrowful about her nan. They sat on the bed in each other’s arms when Lola felt something she shouldn’t have done. Water. 

Her waters. 

They’d broken. 

Ben was in Kathy’s bedroom also upstairs, wanting to be alone. He was going through her old clothes and smelling them, trying to remember how it felt when his mom would hug him. The faint scent of vanilla seeping up into his nose. Callum was downstairs worrying about Ben and trying desperately to distract himself by indulging in conversation with Stuart, Rainie and Bobby. They were complaining openly about Max, telling him they’d left baby Abi with him for the day. 

Shirley had found her way outside with Phil, lighting a cigarette in her hands. “You can’t tell him now, Phil! Are you fucking stupid?” Shirley asked, glaring at the bald-headed man stood on the streets beside her. They were stood opposite the Beale house, staring at it as they spoke, leaning against the gates that encircled the centre of the square. 

“You know as well as I do that Luke didn’t kill Kathy,” Phil said in annoyance. “If we don’t talk to him more people are gonna wind up dead, aren’t they?” 

That’s when it happened. 

The house that they were once watching peacefully had burst into flames. An explosion that shattered the glass windows of the house as the building became a ferocious ball of fire, burning everyone inside.


	8. Who’s dead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ fire, burning, trauma
> 
> Wrote this in the middle of a lightning storm so that was cute

The flames were rising throughout the house as Phil and Shirley looked on in a state of shock. Shirley immediately dropped her cigarette to the ground as Phil went running to the front of the house. “What the fuck!” Shirley yelled, holding Phil back as he attempted to enter the house. 

“BEN!” Phil shouted, as a crowd of residents began to congregate around the Beale house. Shirley grabbed her phone from her pocket and began to dial for help. “BEN!” Phil’s cries echoed, but it was useless. Ben couldn’t hear anything. 

***

The explosion had occurred downstairs starting through the back door of the kitchen. Flames rapidly spread into the dining room where Callum, Stuart, Rainie and Bobby were gathered. The door separating the two rooms had been blown off of its hinges, Rainie following suit and falling to the ground next to Bobby. 

“Rainie!” Stuart exclaimed, him and Callum ducking down at the sound of the explosion. She lifted her head up and stood to her feet, choking on the smoke that was contaminating the air. “I’m alright, Stu,” she coughed. Stuart held onto Rainie tightly as they looked down at Bobby whose head appeared cut and bleeding. 

“Bobby, mate,” Stuart said, kneeling down next to his unconscious body. He shook his body gently as Rainie covered her mouth with her hands. “Right I think he’s knocked out,” Stuart explained, “We’ll carry him out of here, yeah? Callum?” 

Callum was on the floor with his head glued to his hands refusing to look up as he rocked back and forth in a disorientated manner. “Callum?” Stuart asked, kneeling down next to his brother. “Callum, can you hear me?” 

“You have to save the kids,” Callum muttered repeatedly. The fire was spreading quicker now, creeping along the wooden floors ruthlessly as Rainie urged Stuart along. 

“We have to go now, Callum, yeah?” Stuart pleaded. “We gotta get you out of here.” Callum was refusing to move as Stuart attempted to shake him back to reality. Rainie cursed under her breath. 

They remembered the first time this had happened when they were around. There were fireworks going over their house on bonfire night and Callum had insisted everyone take cover just like he had when he was in the army. Stuart sat under the table with him for over an hour explaining to Callum that they weren’t under attack and that whoever he was trying to save wasn’t real and they were safe. He couldn’t shake the flashbacks; the trauma. So, they sat and they waited under the table as Callum rocked back and forth until the explosions had stopped, bringing him back to reality. 

The second time was different. He had Ben. It was the middle of a summer night and there were fireworks being set off near The Vic. The sounds were distant but Callum could still hear them as he lay in bed next to Ben. He started to shift and bury himself under the duvet, Ben noticing his change in movement but being oblivious to the explosions outside. 

“Cal, are you okay?” Ben yawned, stroking the top of Callum’s head that was popping out from under the covers. Callum flinched and put his hands over his eyes. Ben didn’t understand. He couldn’t hear Callum’s cries or the sounds of the fireworks aligning the outside world. The blinds had blacked out any illuminating colour that the fireworks brought into the sky. He sat and he shushed Callum gently until he came round, insisting that they were okay as Callum’s body continued shaking. 

Ben held Callum as they drifted back off to sleep only to be awoken by Callum the next morning having a nightmare and shooting up out of bed. Ben felt the sudden movement again and attempted to calm the older man down with gentle soothing touches and reassurances. Callum had explained to him later that morning that this happened sometimes ever since he’d left the army. He’d see something light up or collapse, he’d hear explosive roars and he’d crumble.

Consequently, he’d heard this explosion and as he watched the fire escalate around him, he found himself unable to move, just frozen in time. Somewhere else. 

“Stuart we have to go!” Rainie pressed him as she pointed towards Bobby almost being engulfed by the flames that grew around them, rising up to the upstairs of the house. 

“I’m coming straight back for you bruv,” Stuart assured Callum as he picked up Bobby in his arms and followed Rainie, running out of the front of the house. The front door had been blown off on impact of the explosion but Stuart still felt his hands burning as he handled the boy in his arms. 

They reached the streets and Stuart placed Bobby down outside next to a choking Shirley. He told Rainie to stay outside and that he’d be back soon as he ran back into the jaws of death to save Callum.

***

Lola’s waters. They’d broken. 

“Lexi, darling,” Lola winced in pain. “Can you go and get Callum for me, please?” She asked as she sat back down on the bed, breathing heavily. 

“Mommy, is the baby okay?” Lexi asked softly as she looked down at the blood dripping down Lola’s leg, seeping out from underneath her black dress. 

Lola let out a scream of pain. “Lexi, please go and get him!” She whined, clutching her stomach and hoping that the minimal experience Callum had in delivering babies over his time as a paramedic would come in handy now. 

Lexi exited the room and started to run down the corridor. That’s when it happened: the explosion. 

The little girl screamed as the lightbulb above her head shattered all around her, tiny shards of glass landing onto the floor. She was terrified and put her hands over her head to drown out the buzzing in her ears caused by the loud noise. “Callum!” She shouted, but she got no reply. Her cries for help were drowned out by the crackling of the fire and chaos downstairs. She knew that she had to be brave. Her mom needed her help and she wasn’t going to let her down.

Lexi carefully tread around the glass layering the carpet in front of her as she removed her hands from her ears. The buzzing sounds were minimal now but still irritating. 

“Callum!” She yelled from the top of the stairs, but she got no response. 

She screamed as another bang followed, but carefully made her way down the stairs that were creaking underneath her feet. “Callum!” Her voice echoed as she spotted him surrounded by flames on the floor. 

Lexi ran over to him and started shaking him violently. “Callum, come on! Mommy needs help!” Lexi was yelling, piercing through Callum’s ears as he sat alone on the floor, Stuart having just exited the house with Bobby and Rainie. 

“Callum, it’s mommy! Mommy needs help! It’s the baby! Callum you need to save mom!” Lexi bellowed urgently. That last sentence struck a chord in Callum. Save the mom? He needed to save the mom? 

His eyes blurred as he attempted to take in his surroundings. All he could see were orange fragments clouding his vision and all he could hear was screaming. Tears ran down his face again as he rubbed his eyes and began to make out the image of Lexi in front of him. This was it. This was reality. 

“Lexi?” Callum asked as Lexi held onto his hand tightly. “Where’s your dad?” The girl didn’t respond, so Callum began to ask more frantically, “Lexi, where’s daddy?” 

The little girl shook her head and put her arms up in the air. “I don’t know! Mommy’s having a baby!” She yelled over the sound of the crackling of the fire around them. 

Callum stood to his feet, his vision clouding over as Lexi tightly gripped his hand and led him in the direction of the glass coated stairs. 

The dust hung heavy in the air, scratching at Callum’s throat unpleasantly. He stumbled in the darkness searching for anything to hold onto, the naked lightbulb above him flickering and straining his view. His footsteps faltered as he continued walking forwards, lifting his heavy feet to climb the stairs. The flickering came to a halt and was soon replaced by a harsh orange flame flooding his vision. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes and trying to steady himself on the ground.

That’s when they heard him: Ben. Lexi let go of Callum’s hand. 

***

Screams echoed out into the air but Ben couldn’t hear any of it. All he could see were bright colours all blurring into the nothing. His mom’s cardigans, her scent, her jewellery. 

Her. 

Tears flooded his eyes once again as he felt a shake on the floor below him. He sat for a few minutes pondering, blissfully unaware of the chaos that was occurring around him. There was a low rumbling in his ears as he wondered why the pitch had adjusted slightly. He smelt the air, an unpleasant sensation drowning his nose. The bedroom door was unlocked. He walked over and swung it open slightly, only to be greeted by flames. They creeped up the stairs in orange waves, making their way towards Ben. He let out a loud cry as the flames crept up his leg and burnt his skin. For the first time in a long time Ben could feel, and he didn’t want to. 

He cursed under his breath and took a step backwards, desperately trying to put out the flames that engulfed his clothes. He stumbled but he succeeded, removing his blazer and stripping himself of his trousers. His skin still felt alight but he tried to focus his attention on something else. “Lexi?” He called out, noticing her making her way up the stairs, dragging someone behind her. 

“Daddy!” She screamed as she let go of Callum’s hand and tried to leap into Ben’s arms. Ben hissed, the burning sensation on his skin still prominent. 

Callum rubbed his eyes and faltered slightly in his step as he felt something grab him. It was Ben. He’d picked up Lexi and was guiding Callum into the front bedroom where Lexi was pointing, enunciating the word ‘mommy’ to Ben. 

Ben choked and covered Lexi’s head, protecting her from the smoke blowing in their direction. Ben let go of Callum’s arm and reached for the door handle of the room and screamed as the metal burnt his hand, already leaving blistering marks. “Shit!” He cursed and started to budge the wooden door with his shoulder, until it eventually broke open. Callum ran into the room with Ben and Lexi in tow, searching for Lola amongst the smoke. She was straining against the broken glass window of the upstairs bedroom, howling in a considerable amount of pain as a puddle of blood formed beneath her feet. 

Her hands gripped tightly onto the window sill, tears streaming down her face. “HELP ME!” She screamed when she noticed Callum running over to her. She sunk to the floor, trembling, her legs stained shades of scarlett. 

“It’s alright you’re gonna be just fine I’m gonna save, you alright?” Callum rambled, focusing on the task at hand. 

Ben broke the window further with his arm and looked down to the ground below where Phil was standing. ‘Down’ Shirley signed and pointed at Lexi. The little girl shook her head and covered her eyes with her hands. 

“Princess, don’t be scared okay,” Ben whispered. “Shirley’s going to catch you okay, it’s fine.”

He kissed her forehead and held her tightly, hovering her body outside the window. They counted down from three as Lexi was slowly lowered from the window into the arms of Phil and Shirley below. She was safe. 

“STUART!” Rainie cried out as people held her back, bellowing at the collapsing structure in front of her. 

“I told Jay that I’d take care of you, alright?” Callum said, examining where the head of the baby was starting to show as Lola’s screamed echoed. Ben knelt down and followed Callum’s instructions, trying desperately to stay conscious, as Lola pushed out more blood followed by the baby. It was quick. Too quick, and it looked more like a crime scene than a birth. 

Callum cradled the baby in his arms and looked down at an unconscious Lola on the floor. “Lola, wake up!” He cried, as the baby began to cry alongside him. 

Alive. 

He heard screaming. Endless screaming. 

He didn’t recall what happened next. A stream of firefighters bursting through and carrying everyone out of the door. Everything was a blur. Callum couldn’t see anything. He couldn’t feel anything. He just held the baby in his arms tightly and let the men guide him into the light, tears streaming in brutal waves down his rough skin.

When Callum reopened his eyes and started to focus again, he realised he was outside on the streets, listening to the explosions taking place in the building before him. He clung to the baby as it cried, holding its head and shushing it, blood staining his hands. He started to spin around on the spot, looking for anyone, anything. He was dizzy and disoriented as he watched the building in front of him slowly fall apart and collapse. The baby screamed and cried, blood escaping its body as Callum begged for it to stop, but it wouldn’t. It was out of his control. Everything was. 

That’s when it happened. Callum broke. 

Stuart, Ben and Lola were nowhere to be seen. The sound of a nearby receptor rang out: ‘we can confirm we have found one unidentified dead body’.

He felt an arm shake him vigorously as the bloody baby in his arms let out a series of piercing screams. Jay was stood over him. 

“Callum, who’s dead?”


	9. Mute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s about to get a whole lot more interesting

‘Even if I’m not here in the morning when you wake up that star is going to watch over you and take care of you okay?’ His mother’s words were pricking into him like his brain was created from the thorns of a rose bush.

Callum looked up into the sky begging there to be a star somewhere in his line of vision. He needed clarity, something to let him know he was going to be okay, but it was just endless clouds as he dizzily spun in a circle, a premature baby screaming in his arms. The fire fighters dragged bodies out of the building as smoke suffocated the air.

“Callum, who’s dead?” Jay asked. “Is that-“ he pointed down at the baby and began to feel nauseous. “Callum, where’s Lola?” 

***

“Lola, wake up!” Callum had cried, cradling the baby in his arms and shaking Lola’s body frantically. Her legs were stained shades of crimson as Callum struggled to find her pulse. Ben was slipping in and out of consciousness, choking through the smoke that was filling his heavy lungs.

The firefighters burst through the front door and found Stuart trapped under a piece of wood that had fell during the explosions inside the house. He’d came back for his brother like he’d promised, but Callum had been led upstairs by Lexi who was safely outside in Shirley’s arms asking if her mom was going to be okay. They brought Stuart back out into the street, his leg covered in burns and a giant gash from where the building had inwardly collapsed on him. 

More firefighters made their way upstairs, calling out for anyone who needed help. They heard screaming coming from the front bedroom. It was the baby. 

They rushed to protect the baby that Callum was holding as he found himself on the streets, unaware of Ben and Lola’s well-being. 

He saw a body under a cover that was being taken away in an ambulance, trying to shush the baby in his arms. “Who’s that?” Jay ran over to the ambulance and demanded to know who was underneath the sheet. 

“Who is it?” Jay asked frantically. 

That’s when he saw Ben. 

On a different stretcher, unconscious. He had severe burns and the paramedics were urgently trying to care for him. 

That’s when he knew it was Lola. 

She was dead. 

***

The first time Callum had visited Ben in the hospital, Ben was asleep. He’d sat by his side just staring at him, not being able to touch him or hold him. When he was first brought in, Ben had woken up in a shock whilst the doctors tried to treat his burns and he’d been told that Lola didn’t make it when he asked where she was. Callum wasn’t there to see it. The silence. Tears had fallen down his cheeks like stars, glistening against the harsh light of the ward. He’d lay frozen on the bed on his side not moving, only blinking and he refused to speak, his tears rooted in time. 

The baby was still in hospital having been premature and Jay was yet to visit. Nobody had seen him since the fire had happened. It’s almost as if he’d just vanished into a void with everybody looking for him, but nobody could find him. Phil and Shirley had taken Lexi in with open arms whilst Ben recovered. 

“Where’s mommy and daddy?” Lexi had asked Shirley when they’d arrived back to the Mitchell house after the fire. 

Shirley explained to her that there’d been an accident and daddy had to go away for a little while until he got better, but mommy couldn’t come back. 

“She can’t come back?” Lexi asked. “Why not? I want to see her!”

The blonde little girl’s bright blue eyes had turned into an ocean that was overflowing when Shirley had broken the truth to her. Her once vivid imagination was now being drowned out by the permanent crushing feeling in her chest. She’d never experienced a broken heart before but she was sure that this is exactly what it felt like. 

Callum came to see Lexi after he’d gone to the hospital to stay with Ben and ensure the baby was in safe hands. He’d came back to the square trying to track down Jay to tell him the baby was okay, but wherever he was, it appeared he didn’t want to be found. 

“Callum!” Lexi squealed when she saw him. She clung to him tightly as he entered through the kitchen doorway, a headache looming in his near future.

He picked her up and stroked his hands through her hair as she sobbed into his shoulder, telling him that her mommy was gone and she wanted her to come back. Phil closed his eyes slowly, a look of despair struck across his complexion. He told Lexi to go and find Shirley in the living room whilst he talked to Callum. Lexi reluctantly let go of him and wandered off as Phil leaned back against the kitchen surface. 

“How’s Ben?” Phil asked, praying for some good news. 

“The doctors said he’s stable. He was asleep on his side when I went in, but it’s bad,” Callum explained, holding back tears at the thought of Ben lying in pain and him not being there by his side. “The burns are severe and apparently he’s refusing to speak to anyone.”

He’d seen the scars embellishing the skin of Ben’s back and his legs. His hand that had almost recovered was blistered again, much worse this time. His skin was red and raw, but Callum didn’t care how his skin looked as long as Ben was safe. 

Phil sighed and wiped his face with his hand as he took a few breaths. He muttered something under his breath, not loud enough for Callum to hear but loud enough to catch his attention. 

“Look just go on in and see Lexi, I’m gonna find Jay,” Phil announced, swiftly pulling on a jacket over his arms and heading out of the back door. He’d seen glimpses of Ben in Phil’s actions. The avoidance and fear flashed across their features, unable to face any situation head on that was too emotionally draining. 

“Any sign of Jay?” Shirley whispered to Callum as he sat down on the sofa next to her and Lexi. The little girl repositioned herself so that her head was resting on Callum’s chest, her eyes dry and red as she stared blankly at the tv in front of them. 

“Can’t find him,” Callum shook his head as he wrapped his arms around Lexi and held her. 

“What we gonna do, Shirl? The baby, Ben, eh? What if Jay doesn’t come back?” Callum asked as his eyes filled with tears once again. 

He was broken. The building collapsing in front of him, the explosion and the fire. Guilt was overwhelming him and he wasn’t sure how long he could carry on before he snapped. If he hadn’t had panicked at the sound of the explosion, if he’d just snapped out of it sooner, then Stuart wouldn’t have ran back in to save him. 

‘Look after her whilst I’m gone’ Jay’s words echoed in his mind, haunting him like an unwanted spirit that was caged in an endless afterlife. Everyone had looked at him pitifully when he got out of the taxi and made his way across the square back from the hospital. Rainie had made a point of calling him ‘a hero’, and saying that without him the baby wouldn’t have survived. 

All he could think about was Lola. He couldn’t save her. 

It was too close to his experience in the army when he’d gotten the kids out of the minefield, but he couldn’t save their mom. He’d kept Lexi safe, he’d delivered the baby, but Lola was gone, and he believed it to be his fault. Callum’s past seemed to become his present as if time refused to leave him, suffocating his existence. In his head he wasn’t a hero; he was a failure. A broken, tired boy who couldn’t cope anymore, but he had to. For Lola.

Shirley had disappeared upstairs to bed later on in the evening, leaving Lexi and Callum on the sofa together in a comfortable silence. The little girl was unable to sleep with her mind overwhelmed with worry and uncertainty. 

“Callum?” Lexi tilted her head up from her position on Callum’s chest and stared into his eyes. “How do you stay strong?” 

Callum’s heart shattered as his eyes bore into Lexi’s defeated, bloodshot ones. “I don’t,” Callum replied, stroking his hand through Lexi’s hair comfortingly. “Staying,” Callum began, “You never really stay anything. Everything always changes, so you won’t be sad forever, Lex. You’re just sad now and that’s okay,” he paused, hoping that the youthful light inside of Lexi wouldn’t burn out. “I’m sad too.” 

Callum’s eyes watered as Lexi hugged him tighter. “But daddy stays sad all the time,” she choked on her words, starting to cry again. Callum shushed her and reassured her that Ben was going to be okay and he’d be home soon.

“Won’t you stay then, Callum?” Lexi asked. Callum appeared confused at the question, unsure of what she meant. Lexi continued, “You said nothing stays, so won’t you stay?” 

Callum smiled down weakly at the girl in front of him. “I’ll stay for as long as you need me,” Callum replied confidently. He was unsure of many things right now, but he was certain of that. 

***

“Ben, that’s not two metres,” Callum hushed, dragging Ben to the side away from other people. 

“I don’t give a fuck,” Ben stated, pulling away from Callum and continuing to walk down the street. 

He remembered when the pandemic had broken out a few years ago. He’d wanted to touch Ben and hold him, speak to him. It was hard for the pair to communicate regardless without having to separate due to a worldwide virus. They’d steal each other’s clothes when they could, anything to comfort the other when they couldn’t see one another. They couldn’t call each other like most couples because Ben couldn’t hear the phone, so they’d break the rules and sit across a bench from one another, learning sign language to pass the time. He thought those times were a nightmare, but today was worse.

Ben was mute, and he wasn’t sure if he would ever speak again.

He’d brought him home from the hospital, trying to make conversation on the way home, but Ben was staring blankly out of the window, taking nothing in. 

He’d sat down on the sofa and stared blankly at the blue wall that was still askew with dry, blue paint. He saw the uneven brushstrokes and thought of Lola and her smile when she saw the mess they’d made. He hoped she was smiling somewhere now. Maybe she’d stumbled upon Paul and told him about Callum, and how he’d found happiness again even if he couldn’t be happy himself. 

Callum explained to Ben that they couldn’t find Jay and that they’d have to figure out how the baby would be taken care of, until he came back. He’d told him that Ian had left again and how he wished he could come back one day and that he was genuinely sorry for everything that he’d done. Ben blinked slowly and sipped on the drink that Callum had made him, tears slipping from his eyes and into the mug of liquid below him. Ben studied himself in the mirror for nights, staring at his scars covering his body and pressing his forehead against the glass that Callum had replaced, hoping that it would shatter around him. 

Callum thought he could cope. 

He went to visit Stuart above the funeral parlour whose leg was in a cast. He called him ‘a hero’ and Callum winced at the memory of him shaking Lola, failing to wake her up. 

“I ain’t a hero,” Callum had insisted, and when he’d gotten home later that night he’d collapsed against the wall in the bathroom, clutching his chest as he fought for breath. The white tiles encircling him seemingly turned orange, like he was back in the fiery building again, unable to move. 

It’d been two weeks and Ben was yet to see Lexi or say a word to anyone. He was sat watching the tv with the subtitles on, holding his blistered hand in front of his face and examining the burn marks that had formed there. He still felt like he was on fire and he wondered if the burning sensation would ever go away. 

Callum dropped a glass in the kitchen and swore, shards shattering onto the floor. Ben couldn’t hear him, but he could see him from his sitting position. He mumbled something under his breath causing Callum to freeze on the floor, dropping the dustpan and brush onto the floor. 

He rose from his position and approached Ben, wondering if the noise had come from Ben’s mouth or if he was about to have another episode with the voices floating around in his head. 

“Snow,” Ben smiled. 

He had smiled, Callum thought to himself. “Looks like fucking snow,” Ben said and pointed in the direction of the shards of glass on the kitchen floor. 

Callum didn’t know what to do or what to say to him in that moment. He’d forgotten how to breathe properly, which Ben seemed to notice so he held out his blistered hand. Callum brushed his fingers lightly over the marks buried permanently into his skin. Ben stood up and placed his rough hand against Callum’s face and walked into the bedroom, drifting off back to sleep once he’d covered himself with the duvet.

***

They lay in bed early the following morning, staring out of their window up at the single star that shone alone in the sky.

“I need you to stay,” Ben spoke, his voice rough and withdrawn. Callum turned on his side to mirror Ben’s body. They stared at each other from either side of their double bed, heads resting on separate pillows. 

Ben continued, “Jay’s gone, Lola, my mom. My mind, my skin, everything, it’s gone.” He looked down at his bare chest and gestured towards the burns layering his skin. “I don’t know if you want to, but I need you to stay, Callum. I need to tell you everything.” 

Callum had never been more overwhelmed in his entire life than he had this past month. Valentine’s Day was tomorrow and he’d never imagined to experience this much loss instead of love. The police had confirmed that the fire wasn’t an accident and Callum knew there were still things that Ben wasn’t telling him about Luke and Kathy’s death, but Ben had been mute. Silent. He’d stared at four blank blue walls for weeks on end, heart sinking in a boundless ocean, Callum waiting for it to resurface. 

“Everything?” Callum asked, tilting his head to the side, wondering where Ben would even begin. 

“Callum, it’s about your mom,” Ben gulped. “I know,” he gripped Callum’s leg with his hand, “I know where she is.” 

Callum heard a knock at the door and signed to Ben the word ‘door’. He wasn’t processing what Ben had just told him. How could he? His mom was alive.

He made his way down the stairs of their flat and opened the door to see a woman with short brown hair sobbing and holding a grey jumper in her hands. She seemed distraught and tear droplets stained the fabric beneath her fingers. 

“Can I help you?” Callum asked the woman. She looked up, her eyebrows raising as she took a breath before speaking. 

“I’m Leanne,” she stated. “I’m Lola’s mom.”


	10. Stella

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, swearing, homophobic slur

“This car ain’t stolen, is it?” Callum asked, placing his hand on top of Ben’s leg after they’d gotten back into the car, attempting to lighten the mood. 

Ben glared at him and sighed, shaking his head. “I mean Lola told me her mom was a nutter but I wasn’t expecting her to be that much of a nutter,” Ben said. 

The couple had just spent the afternoon with the infamous Leanne Pearce. Callum had invited her into their flat, urging Ben to get out of bed to come and meet her. 

“So where’s my grandchild?” She asked after half an hour of sobbing on their sofa into Lola’s grey jumper. 

“Well, actually, you have two grandchildren,” Callum added, swiping open his phone to an old photo of Lexi, Ben and Lola all together. 

Leanne had heard on the news about a huge fiery disaster breaking out in East London and recognised her daughters name in the headline. Despite not having a good relationship with Lola, she still wanted to attend her funeral and that’s why she’d turned up at their place to meet the man who saved her daughters baby. Callum hated it: the attention. The word ‘hero’ plastered across every newspaper in every store. He had promised to look after Lola and he couldn’t even do a simple task like that. He wasn’t a hero, not in his mind. 

“But you’re a fag, ain’t you?” Leanne asked as she examined the photo containing Ben, Lola and Lexi. “How come you’re in the photo?” 

Ben lip read her speech and held back his anger at the mention of the slur. He explained to her that him and Lola had Lexi at a young age and that her granddaughter was across the square if she wanted to meet her. 

“Why ain’t she here with you?” Leanne asked. “Don’t tell me you’re the father of her other kid too?” 

It became apparent to the pair that she was more concerned about Ben’s sexuality than her dead daughter at this point. Callum calmly told Leanne that Lola was in a relationship with Ben’s brother, Jay, and that they were currently trying to find him. He also explained that Lexi was with Ben’s dad across the square and assured her she was in safe hands, not that it mattered as she wasn’t showing the slightest bit of interest in Lexi. 

“Find him?” She asked during her list of endless questions. “Well, where’s he gone? If he don’t come back you’ll have to take care of the kid, won’t ya?” 

This was always a possibility floating around in their minds. What if Jay didn’t want to be found and he didn’t come back? Ben wasn’t sure either of them were in the right headspace to take care of a child. He’d noticed Callum was acting very disoriented and on edge lately: dropping glasses, crying in a different room when he thought Ben wouldn’t see him and crying in front of Ben where he could see him. 

They needed to talk. 

“What’s my mom like then?” Callum asked, squeezing his hand that was resting on Ben’s thigh inside the car. “You said you knew where she was, have you met her then?” 

They’d dropped Leanne back off at her house and told her the venue of the funeral. She’d refused to see Lexi and made a few passing homophobic comments in Ben and Callum’s direction on the way over. Callum was glad that Ben couldn’t hear her because he was certain that he would’ve taken the steering wheel away from Callum and smashed her head in with it. 

“Luke actually told me who your mom was and that’s why I lashed out the way that I did,” Ben spoke, turning in his seat and placing his hand over Callum’s that was still resting lightly on Ben’s leg over the marks where the flames had burnt him. “He wasn’t the only person who’s ever abused me, Callum. There was a woman too when I was a kid who was going to be my stepmom. Her name was Stella.” 

***

“I’m gonna bleach your bellend off in a minute, Phil,” Shirley angrily whispered to him from across the kitchen table. “Lola is dead, right, Ben is messed up and you’re burying your head in a bottle. Don’t you think this family has lost enough?” 

Phil sat across the table from her drowsy and speaking incoherently. On his quest to find Jay he’d stumbled across a pub, and then another pub, and another one, until he’d stumbled all of the way back home, heavily intoxicated. He wasn’t coping. None of them were. 

“Ben is coming over with Callum in ten minutes to see Lexi and I don’t want your stench anywhere near them so go upstairs and stay up there, understand?” Shirley ordered. Phil picked up the glass bottle of vodka from the table containing the tiniest amount of liquid left at the bottom. He swung it down in one gulp and grinned at Shirley. “Later, sweetheart,” he announced and laughed. Shirley rolled her eyes as she watched him make his way up the stairs, grasping onto the railing the entire time whilst trying not to fall. 

The back door then slammed from behind her where she was stood as Ben and Callum entered arguing with each other. 

“You can’t just tell me that Ben and walk away!” Callum yelled, but Ben wasn’t even looking at him to listen. 

“Oi!” Shirley slapped the back of Callum’s head, Ben turning around to stare at the pair of them. “Lexi is asleep in there, halfwit! What you even fighting about? A week ago he wasn’t even talking to ya,” Shirley tutted, pointing in the direction of Ben. 

“He‘s just told me that my mom is a potential nutjob,” Callum filled Shirley in. 

“She was a nutjob!” Shirley exclaimed quietly, careful not to raise her voice and wake up Lexi who was dreaming on the sofa. “I remember her trying to sell bags made out of kebab meat on a market. I once caught her with a pound of meth in her bra and she told me to suck it out with a straw. She wasn’t exactly the brightest fucking bulb in a circuit.” 

Ben sighed and put his hand over his face, listening to nothing but the violent ringing in his ears as he sat down at the kitchen table. He eyed up the empty glass bottle in front of him and raised his eyebrows. Once he was sure Shirley had stopped talking he picked it up. 

“You shouldn’t leave this shit lying around, Shirl,” he said, tossing it in the direction of the bin where it landed. “We don’t want dad back on the bottle with everything else that’s going on.” 

“Going on?” Callum asked, sitting down opposite Ben. He appeared stressed and frustrated, his fist clenched and resting on the table in front of him as he banged it against the surface every time he spoke. “You’re telling me that my mom is somehow the sister of the woman who abused you, and you’re worried about a poxy bottle of vodka.” 

“What that evil cow Stella?” Shirley butted in. “How’d you manage to find that out?” 

Callum ignored her and continued, “Jay might not come back, Ben. We are gonna be stuck with a baby that ain’t even ours and somebody is obviously trying to take you out. How long is it before they actually do, eh?” 

Ben looked down and traced the outlines of the burn marks on his hands. It should’ve been him, he thought to himself. It was just like Paul all over again. Lola didn’t deserve to die and Lexi sure as hell didn’t deserve to grow up without her mom. He felt tears tumble from his eyes at the thought of his little girl being so unhappy because of him, and there was nothing he could do to fix it. 

The door to the kitchen slowly creaked open. Lexi walked through in her pyjamas, approaching her dad and taking his hand. ‘I love you’ she signed, having not seen him since the fire. He signed it back and picked her up so that she could sit on his lap. He winced when she caught one of his burns on his legs but assured her it was okay. He placed a kiss to her forehead as Callum watched on in adoration. He wondered what his life would’ve been like if his parents had shown him this much affection when he was growing up. He’d hoped that maybe he’d be able to cope more once he knew that his mom was still alive, but he’d never felt more alone. To know that his mom left him and was out there somewhere but hadn’t bothered to contact him was a frightening concept. 

“Why does everyone keep dying?” Lexi mumbled, loud enough for Callum to hear as Ben hugged her tightly, humming softly to himself. 

Shirley knew the answer. She knew exactly who was behind this and the guilt was eating her alive but she couldn’t tell them. It would ruin everything even more than it already had and she wasn’t sure Ben would be able to cope knowing the truth. So, she stayed silent, tearing up at the mere thought. 

“I’m just gonna pop upstairs, alright? You three have got a lot of catching up to do,” Shirley choked, as she left them all around the table, on her way to scream at a highly intoxicated Phil. 

Ben stood from his position and picked up Lexi, carrying her back into the living room, Callum following suit. They sat down together and cuddled with Lexi in the middle, all three of them lost in thought as a quiz show played on the television in front of them. The host was asking a music based question and wanted to know which set of lyrics came after another. 

“Aw not fucking come on Eileen,” Ben moaned, as Callum pinched his arm because of the blatant swearing in front of Lexi. 

“I’m sure Lola’s looking down on you and cussing right now,” Callum teased. It was the first time they’d brought up Lola’s passing in a lighthearted way and Lexi shifted her position so that she could look up at Callum. 

Lexi giggled, “Mommy always swore too, you know, I miss her a lot.” 

Callum smiled and stroked his hand through Lexi’s hair. Ben watched the two of them, uncertain of what they were saying but grateful for the fond nature of it. They spent the next fifteen minutes yelling answers at the television and forgetting all of their worries, until the adverts started to play and Lexi announced that she needed the toilet. 

“Why do you hate that song so much?” Callum asked Ben, tilting his chin and forcing him to look at him. 

“Used to play all the time in the pub growing up there,” Ben began, rubbing his rough hand against Callum’s soft one. “I never really thought about it, but whenever Stella was, you know,” he said, drifting off. He cleared his throat and continued, “I guess I just remember that song always playing in the background like it was taunting me. Fucking Eileen having the time of her life whilst I was...” 

Ben had already revealed to Callum on the car journey over that Stella used to burn his skin as a form of punishment. He understood now that’s why Ben was so affected by the marks left by the house fire on his skin. He told Callum the flames just reminded him of Stella and he felt like he was a child again, unable to say anything or ask for help. Perhaps that’s why he went mute, Callum thought to himself.

“I am sorry, Cal,” Ben whispered. “When I found out who she was I just didn’t want you getting hurt in the same way that I did. It was Luke he got inside my head. He told me he’d been stalking me. He’d found out everything about you: your dad, your mom. He said I liked the abuse and I couldn’t get enough of it, even from Stella. When he told me that your mom was her sister, I didn’t believe him but then he showed me everything: the documents, photos of them together. He said,” Ben paused, wiping his eyes and taking a breath. “He said he was surprised that you didn’t try abusing me too. I guess I just snapped. I don’t know if he killed my mom, Callum. Hell! I don’t even know if he started that fire, that could’ve just been Ian for all we know. I just know that I hate him so much and I can’t promise that if I see him again I won’t snap.” 

Callum didn’t know how to respond. He wanted this all to be a nightmare, and wished that if he clicked his fingers hard enough, he could wake up from it all, but this was real. He wasn’t seeing things, he wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t making things up in his head. This was reality, and it was destroying him. 

***

“This is ridiculous, Callum! When I said I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life this is not what I had in mind,” Ben yelled as he tried to slam into the door of the Mitchell living room one more time. 

After Lexi had gone upstairs she’d heard arguing coming from one of the bedrooms. Shirley was screaming at Phil and telling him to get up and stop being such a useless pillock. She noticed Lexi lurking in the doorway and decided to take her back downstairs. When they went to open the door to the living room however, the door handle had snapped off and now Ben and Callum were sat in the living room desperately trying to open the door. 

“Why the fuck did you have the other door removed, eh? And I ain’t climbing out no window I’ll break my fucking neck!” Ben complained, trying to get the door to budge. 

“We’re on the ground floor, Ben,” Callum chuckled, tilting Ben’s head to look at him. “We can’t get out through the windows anyway, they’re jammed shut.” He knocked on the door that was separating him from Shirley and Lexi on the other side. “Did you get the windows triple glazed, Shirl, or can I smash them?” Callum asked seriously.

“Don’t you think you’ve smashed enough windows in this house, you imbecile!” Shirley yelled back. Ben couldn’t hear her but he was sure that whatever she’d just said was insulting. 

Ben stumbled in Callum’s direction in his attempt to break the door down with his shoulder. Callum caught him and laughed, “Did you enjoy your trip?” 

Ben stuck his middle finger up at him and glared, “You’re lucky I like you.” 

Ben scanned the room looking for something he could use to break through the glass windows, the old material of the door refusing to break. 

He picked up the lamp from the side table and chucked it against the window that led out onto the back gate. The lamp shattered as the glass window stayed firmly intact. 

“Shit,” Ben cursed and gritted his teeth, holding onto Callum’s arm. “Do you think Shirley will notice?” 

“Do you think Shirley will notice what?” She yelled from behind the door. She’d resorted to smashing it with her shoulder from the other side now, much to Lexi’s amusement. She hadn’t laughed properly in days. Shirley managed to burst through the door, falling slightly as she did so. Ben’s back was facing her as he reasoned with Callum who’d just seen her leap through the wooden material ungraciously. 

“We could just replace the lamp. She’s not exactly got an eye for style, Cal,” Ben stated, pointing behind him with his fingers, but not turning his body around. 

“She’s behind me, isn’t she?” Ben said, his mouth forming into a straight line. 

Shirley slapped Ben around the back of the head, mimicking her actions to Callum earlier and leaving Lexi in a fit of giggles. Ben turned around to face her properly. “You dopey mares!” Shirley frowned at them, “Now, shoo the pair of ya!” 

***

“Thought you’d wanna be away from me after that,” Callum commented, taking a sip of his beer as they sat inside The Albert: the establishment that was now Ben’s own. He’d told the staff to open as usual and let the manager of the bar take over all important duties until further notice. 

“Nah, I’ll always wanna stay with you,” Ben winked at Callum and hugged him, wrapping his arms around Callum’s waist. Callum embraced him and placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “What am I gonna do with you, eh?” Ben felt the vibrations of Callum’s heartbeat against his skin as they sat there holding each other, safe. Callum’s heart rate began to quicken and his body began to sweat. Ben looked up to see a woman with brown hair standing over them and staring.

“Hi, Callum,” she smiled weakly. “Remember me?”


	11. Falling star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, swearing, homophobic slur

Ben felt the vibrations of Callum’s heartbeat against his skin as they sat there holding each other, safe. Callum’s heart rate began to quicken and his body began to sweat. Ben looked up to see a woman with brown hair standing over them and staring.

“Hi, Callum,” she smiled weakly. “Remember me?”

Callum thought back to those nights glancing out at the stars of his bedroom window, wondering if his mom would ever come home. Maybe she was dead and he didn’t know. Perhaps she’d found someone to take care of her in the way that she needed to be cared for. She was an angel to Callum, watching over him and protecting him. As Callum sat at the table in the Albert with Ben by his side, all of his fears had been set alight. 

“Mom?” Callum asked, squinting to see the woman before him. He rubbed his eyes in an almost comical way, reality blinding his vision. 

The woman took a seat opposite Callum with a taller man in tow. He was wearing a suit and looked incredibly stern as he adjusted his tie and took a seat next to her. Callum felt Ben tense up beside him as he unwrapped their bodies from their hugging position and tilted his head, examining the two people sat down in front of them.

“Ben,” the man in the suit addressed him. Callum noticed the slight bruising of his upper cheeks and wondered how he’d gotten those marks. That’s when he found out.

“Luke,” Ben mumbled, nodding his head in the man’s direction. They couldn’t stand the sight of one another and Callum was aware of the tense atmosphere between the two men. He put his arm around Ben’s shoulder subtly acting protectively of his fiancé. 

“So,” Luke started, tapping his fingers in an irritating manner across the tabletop, “Here’s how this is gonna go.” Callum wondered where this man had gotten his accent from and realised he had a charming stance about him. A sudden flash of jealousy overwhelmed him when he thought about the former relationship Luke and Ben used to have, but it was soon replaced with anger when he remembered the abusive nature of it.

Ben tilted his head up to focus on reading Luke’s lips. “You never could resist staring at my lips, could you Ben?” The man teased, much to Callum’s disapproval who was still eyeing up the woman he believed to be his mother sat opposite them. Ben was overheating with rage at the comment and it took every ounce of his being to keep a straight face. 

“Hurry up before I break your neck,” Ben snapped, his tone sharp and pointed as he glared at the other man. 

Luke smirked across the table, tension still present in the atmosphere. “I want you to come with me,” Luke pointed at Ben and winked, making Callum’s stomach turn at the gesture. “In exchange, precious little mommy gets to go home with you,” Luke pointed between Callum and his mom. 

Callum didn’t understand the dynamics of the people sat around him. His mom was alive and somehow knew Ben and his abusive ex? He knew that him and Ben had been lacking in communication skills lately, but nothing seemed to be making sense. He felt his body being overwhelmed by a wave of nausea.

Callum let out a groan and wiped off the beads of sweat that were sticking to his forehead. Ben stroked Callum’s leg under the table when he noticed his pale complexion, sensing the older man’s nervousness. Luke was examining the couple in front of him intently. “He must love you,” Luke commented, staring at Callum. “A big boy like you, all strong and tall, I bet you could take him out easy.” 

Ben was still focused on Callum, unaware of Luke’s mind games. His mom looked uncomfortable, fidgeting with her fingers underneath the table, her eyes distant and tired. 

“Like it, does he?” Luke smirked, pointing at an oblivious Ben, “When you get angry? Poor little innocent Ben just waiting for someone to abuse him over and over and over again.”

Callum’s eyes had changed to ones of fury as his fists clenched up tightly and his teeth remained gritted, grinding against one another in irritation. He narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him, preparing to lash out at any given second. 

“Can I get you guys another drink?” A waiter approached them, catching Ben’s attention as an arm reached across the table to pick up their empty glasses. “Oh sorry, boss,” the uniformed man smiled, addressing Ben and enunciating his words, signing the word ‘sorry’. Luke’s eyebrows noticeably raised at the mention of the word ‘boss.’ The waiter continued, “I didn’t realise it was you. Can I get you anything?” 

Ben shook his head and smiled back weakly at the young man who left the table and headed back towards the bar. Ben turned his focus back towards Luke who was now tightly gripping the arm of Callum’s mother. 

“Boss, eh?” Luke questioned, his eyes scanning the building they were sat in, now taking in the scenery before them. “Tell you what, if you hand over this place I might just give back precious little mommy for free,” Luke stated, gesturing to the scenes taking place around them. 

Ben read his lips and slammed his fist onto the table. “Don’t you think you’ve took enough from me?” He spat, “Killing my mom was a brave move, but burning her house down as well, eh? Leaving my daughter motherless?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luke blinked, scanning Ben’s face for answers. For the first time since they’d sat down, the manipulative bastard genuinely looked confused, Callum thought to himself. 

Ben huffed and shook his head. He bit the inside of his gum, face struck with disbelief and frustration, until his eyes landed on the woman in front of him. Ben scratched his fingers against his head, “Just let her go.” 

“No!” Luke raised his voice, as his grip tightened on the woman’s arm. She flinched at the motion and cowered, continuing to look down at her hands in her lap. Callum took in her expression. It wasn’t one of sadness or vulnerability or anger. It was almost as if she was laughing to herself, the dimples on either side of her face on display. 

Suddenly, she swung her arm out in one swift motion, loosening Luke’s grip on her arm and slapping him in the face with the back of her hand. The gesture made a loud noise, capturing the attention of the punters around them, Callum gasping alongside them, Ben’s eyes widening. 

She lifted her head up and winked at Callum before heading swiftly in the direction of the entrance to the bar. Luke looked pained and stayed seated, holding the side of his face which was now bleeding slightly, due to the impact of the hit. Callum stood up from his chair, Ben in tow as he walked around their table to face Luke. 

Callum held Ben’s hand possessively and slapped Luke across the other side of his face with his spare hand. “Come near us again and I’ll fucking kill you,” Callum threatened, his words unwavering as Ben gazed at Callum in shock. He knew that Callum didn’t take shit from anyone. He was soft and warm and caring, but he was confident and in control of his life, and he sure as hell wouldn’t let anyone speak to Ben in that way. 

***

The entire walk back to their flat happened at a brisk pace. Callum still holding onto Ben’s hand tightly as he led the way back to their home. He scanned the square looking for his mom but she was nowhere in sight, taken away from him once again. This time was different. He didn’t know who his mom was. She was just an alive and familiar face and Callum couldn’t help but feel lost. 

Then there was Ben. Voices were echoing around in his mind, screaming at him, telling him to man up and hold it together, but he couldn’t. He hated himself, and he couldn’t keep lying to himself and pretending that he was okay anymore, because he wasn’t. 

They walked up the stairs and entered their flat, the blue paint still staining their walls in an uneven pattern. Callum let go of Ben’s hand and turned around to face the younger man who was now crumbling before him. His hands were over his eyes as he sobbed and shook his head. 

“I’m so sorry,” Ben cried repeatedly into his blistered hands. He let out pained noises, his voice hoarse and croaky as he wiped snot onto his sleeve. The sight before him made Callum tear up, reaching out his arms and embracing Ben. 

Callum wasn’t entirely sure what Ben was apologising for. Knowing his mom and not telling him? Luke? It didn’t matter now. They were home and they were safe.

Seven minutes had passed of Ben standing there sobbing into Callum’s arms, wondering why the older man chose to stay. He was a dangerous mess and as much as he loved Callum, he wondered if their love was actually enough. Maybe they needed more. Callum deserved more, Ben thought to himself, as he leant back and looked down at the burn marks on his skin. 

Callum held Ben’s face in his hands and peered down to see where Ben’s eyes were fixated. He remembered the fire and how it had scorched Ben’s skin as he slipped out of consciousness inside the collapsing house. 

“Why do you stay?” Ben whispered, picking at his peeling skin with his fingers and tilting his head slightly to look at Callum with blurry vision. 

Callum didn’t know how to answer that question anymore if he was being honest with himself. His thoughts were spiralling out of control and he was doubting his ability to protect the man in front of him. If he couldn’t even save Lola, how could he take care of Ben? He wasn’t the hero everyone was making him out to be. He was a burnt out cloth and he was falling apart at the seems. 

Ben noticed Callum’s face falter, more wet tears rolling off his cheeks and onto the ground beneath their feet. Ben nodded his head slowly and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Each droplet landed on the floor, glimmering in the low light of their flat like a falling star. He didn’t get an answer.

He backed away from Callum slowly who was frozen on the spot, unresponsive and made his way down the stairs and out of the flat, his heart shattering with ease like a single pain of glass. 

Callum felt his breathing getting heavier and his body being charged with the feeling of dizziness and disorientation as he watched the man he loved leave him all alone. He kept gasping for air but his lungs didn’t seem to want to function as he collapsed onto his knees on the floor, struggling to breathe. He knew this feeling all too well: a panic attack.

***

Ben made his way across the square swiftly, tears falling freely to the ground. “Well if it isn’t my falling star!” A female voice yelled at him, but he couldn’t hear it. He saw Callum’s mom sitting on the bench outside of The Vic and approached her, smacking the cigarette she was holding out of her hand. 

“Oi you bellend, what was that for?” She exclaimed, picking up the burnt out cigarette off the floor and attempting to smoke from it again. “You owe me a fucking fag, you fucking fag,” she chuckled to herself and Ben rolled his eyes. He sat down on the bench next to her and grabbed her cigarette, crushing it beneath his feet as it fell to the floor once again.

“You’re a nightmare, Cecelia Highway,” Ben nudged her arm and smirked. 

“Yeah well it’s not me you’ve got to worry about, is it?” She asked and eyed Ben up and down with her eyes. “It’s Rowan,” she said and pointed in the direction of a teenage boy getting out of a nearby taxi. 

Ben squinted as the boy came into view and he recognised him straight away. The boy from the rollercoaster he was sat next to. He’d remembered him because he was the only person on the ride who didn’t scream. Ben asked him why and everything escalated quickly from there. The note in Jay’s bag ‘I know what you did,’ Rowan had dropped in there after the ride was over. Because he knew what Jay did. He knew what Ben did. He knew everything, and now all he wanted was to find Callum. 

***

Hot water splattered harshly against Callum’s face as he attempted to calm down. He’d made it to the shower. A place where he’d felt safe and hoped that the water would wash his fears away. He heard banging and screaming as he shifted the shower curtain away from the rail. The room was smothered in steam and condensation, leaving Callum’s vision blurry as he stood alone in the tub, water still running against his bare skin. He heard a male voice calling for him and hoped it was Ben, but the voice belonged to someone unexpected.

Callum rubbed his eyes and peered through the fog. “Chris?”


	12. I see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, swearing

“Why didn’t you scream?” Ben asked, examining the teenage boy next to him on the rollercoaster as Jay and Lexi headed towards the counter to buy a keyring of the photo the ride took of the three of them. He wouldn’t have even bothered to ask if the teenager hadn’t spent the entire ride looking at him curiously, occasionally glancing at his friend sat behind them. The boy looked familiar to Ben but he couldn’t quite place it. He had green eyes that held an intense gaze like he was constantly waiting for chaos to occur around him, always alert.

“Why didn’t you?” The young boy replied, maintaining eye contact with Ben. “Your screams weren’t real,” he continued raising his eyebrows and yelling over the loud music, much to Ben’s amusement who couldn’t hear him anyway. 

“I’m deaf,” Ben gestured towards his ear and signed the word ‘deaf’ so that the boy could understand. 

The boy chuckled and signed ‘I know’ and spelt out the name ‘Ben’ on his fingers. “Try not to burn, falling star,” the teenager winked and swiftly walked off into the fair, getting lost amongst the crowds of people. Ben instantly knew that Cecelia was nearby as she was the only person who referred to him using that name, but he couldn’t see her.

They’d first met on Halloween in 2021. Ben was incredibly drunk and throwing rocks into a lake in central London. She told Ben to ‘stop throwing shit you’ll scare the ducks’ but Ben couldn’t hear her. Cecelia walked up to him and put out her cigarette on the surface of his arm to get his attention, much to Ben’s horror. Neither of them knew they were connected at this point, or that her actions mirrored the abusive ones of Stella’s. 

“Are you off your head?” Ben yelled at her, snatching the cigarette from her and dropping it into the lake under the bridge below them. 

“No I’m Cece and I think you’ve just set fire to a fish,” she pointed down at where the cigarette fell as Ben caught the words ‘fire’ and ‘fish’ and panicked. 

“Well Sarah, you can’t set fire to water,” he mocked in a childish manner. He was clearly under the influence, but the older woman didn’t seem to mind. 

“It’s Cece,” she pointed her index fingers to her eyes twice as if to mimic ‘see, see.’ She reached into her pocket and pulled out a string of objects: tissues, a lighter, and some strange looking chewed up rotten meat, until she found her packet of cigarettes. “Hold this,” she said, passing Ben the lighter as she attempted to shove all of her belongings back into her pockets whilst holding onto her cigarettes in her one hand. 

Ben reluctantly took the lighter from her and opened it up, a lit flame escaping the metal container. “Don’t use it you wanker,” she insulted him, “You’ll set yourself on fire.”

But it was too late to avoid a mishap. The yellow flowers that were hanging in a basket above Ben’s head on the bridge of the lake had been set alight. The petals aggressively fell to the floor in tiny fragments of fire. Cecelia cursed under her breath and took the lighter back off of Ben, mumbling something about men being useless. She picked up a flower by the stem from the basket which petals had been set alight and proceeded to shake the plant violently. 

“Look at that,” she raised her eyebrows, watching the stray petals being swept away by the autumn breeze. “It’s like a falling star.” Ben didn’t seem amused by the commentary but more concerned as parts of the plant fell onto the skin of his hands. He brushed his hands clear of the petals and glared at the woman in front of him, reading her lips when she spoke. 

Cecelia laughed, “Careful, I had a nutter of sister who liked to burn men. I bet Stella would’ve loved this.” 

That’s when it clicked for Ben. The brown hair, the faint smile and mischievous glint in her eye. Stella? He only knew one Stella who enjoyed burning people and the woman stood in front of him holding a lighter in her hand just so happened to resemble her. However, Ben was too drunk to let this information process in his system and started to panic, breathing heavily and holding his head in his hands. 

Cecelia managed to calm him down enough to walk him over to a parked taxi that was definitely ordered for someone else, and got in beside him. Ben told the driver to go to Walford and when they arrived back on the square, he pointed towards his and Callum’s flat. It was their previous one before Ben had gotten them evicted when he decided to rip their neighbours shower out of the wall. 

Cecelia opened the door of the taxi for him and led him to the entrance of the flat and pressed the buzzer before climbing back into the taxi. She winked at Ben and smiled, “Guess I’ll see you round, falling star.” 

Ben heaved and bent over groaning and feeling nauseous from the alcohol in his system. Ben couldn’t hear her voice but he imagined it was one that was similar to Stella’s, his stomach churning at the memory. He hoped he’d never see this woman again for as long as he lived, but he was mistaken. Callum opened the door and quickly embraced him, despite the sickness growing deep inside Ben’s body. 

“Where have you been?” Callum asked frantically.

Where have you been? Cecelia recognised that question. The voice. The tone it carried with it. Her boy. 

“Where have you been?” Callum would ask after every time his mom had disappeared for days on end. She’d tell him not to worry, that she wouldn’t leave again and that it wasn’t his fault she had to go away. But promises were always made to be broken. 

The taxi drove away once the driver saw Callum greet Ben at the door. Callum didn’t see his mother that day in the taxi but Cecelia saw him. She’d heard him, and she knew that she couldn’t leave her boy again. 

***

“Promise me you won’t leave me again,” Callum said, voice faltering.

“I promise,” Ben whispered.

Ben had come home later in the day to find Callum on the bathroom floor sobbing and mumbling the name ‘Chris’ repeatedly. He knew who Callum was referring to but he didn’t know what had caused Callum to react in this way. 

Callum had seen it all. A vision of Chris with blood all over his face staring at him as Callum stood underneath the hot water pouring out of the shower. Suddenly the bathroom was no longer his bathroom. All he could see was Chris haunting his vision in a terrifying hallucination that was causing him to sweat and breathe uncontrollably. 

“You’re not real,” Callum whispered, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes, trying to get the vision of the man he’d loved in front of him to go away, but the blood stained man walked closer towards him. 

The image of Chris stopped in his tracks and grinned, his teeth black and rotted, gums bleeding as he spoke. “I see you,” Chris taunted. 

Callum couldn’t control his breathing anymore and attempted to back up against the wall of the shower to escape, but the vision of Chris stepped even closer towards him. The figure had stepped into the shower and as he climbed under the water, his body had melted. Callum saw the water turn red and dissolve into the drain, reality gradually coming back to him as he repeatedly cried, “You’re not real.” 

He’d managed to get out of the shower minutes later after clinging onto the wall, hoping that somehow the tiles would swallow him up. He dried himself with a towel, careful not to fall and anxiously scanned his surroundings, waiting for a shadow to pop up from the floorboards and lead him into the darkness. Callum wrapped a bathrobe around himself and that’s when Chris appeared again, sitting in the empty tub grinning with his rotted teeth. This time he didn’t have any eyes, his head was simply hollow where his pupils should have been. The vision of Chris whispered hauntingly, “I see you, Callum.” 

The hallucination seemed all too real, as if Chris, his ex-lover, was actually sitting in his bathtub, taunting him. 

A loud bang broke the spell as Ben came into the flat, searching for Callum. Ben knocked on the bathroom door and entered, immediately crouching down on the floor when he saw Callum, knuckles white, gripping onto the wall behind him. 

They stayed sat together on the floor for what felt like decades, Callum’s visions of Chris beginning to fade as Ben cuddled into him and rubbed his back soothingly when he saw tears escape Callum’s eyes. He begged Ben not to leave him, clinging onto his shirt like it was the only thing in the room that could ground him. 

“I need you to stay,” Callum spoke clearly, ensuring Ben could understand him. 

“Okay,” Ben nodded his head and wrapped his arms further around Callum’s body, letting his head rest on his chest as he ran his fingers over his skin. 

***

The second time Ben had met Callum’s mom was when she’d purposely crashed a stolen car she’d found and sent it into the Arches to get repaired. She’d snuck up on Ben whilst he was working on it and nearly ended up with a spanner through her head. 

“Calm down Kung Fu Panda,” she laughed, grabbing the spanner swiftly as Ben turned around to attack. He felt his heart rate quicken as he realised who it was. “Alright, falling star?” She winked at him and leant back against the workbench near the entrance, making herself at home. 

“How do you know who I am?” Ben asked, referring to his connections with Stella but the woman looked perplexed. 

“Know you? I don’t even know your name,” she said, Ben reading her lips as she spoke. “Why you looking at my lips for, I thought you was gay.” 

There was a pause between the two of them as Ben processed what Cecelia was inferring. She’d seen him with Callum outside of their flat that night as she hid in the taxi, gazing at her son from afar. It was a few short seconds but she saw the concern, the way they looked at each other and touched. She knew. 

“I’m deaf,” Ben explained, gesturing towards his ear and rolling his eyes. 

The door to the Arches slammed once more, Ben feeling a draft and turning his head noticing the change in atmosphere. 

“Well if it isn’t Ceceliar,” Shirley announced, immediately recognising the woman sat on the workbench in front of her and mocking her name. 

Cecelia smirked and teased, “Ain’t you got an std to be catching, Shirl? I don’t think you’ll find one round here.” 

Shirley approached the woman and spat in her direction. “Ain’t you got kebab bags to be selling?” 

Ben couldn’t tell what either of them were arguing about but it looked tense, the two women glaring at each other, gazes fuelled with hatred. Visible confusion was plastered across his face, unaware that the woman whose car he was fixing was Callum’s moms.

“They were called kebags,” Cecelia stated, moving a stray strand of brown hair behind her ear. “And at least I could get my hands on some meat. It’s not like the men were queuing up to offer you their steak bake special was it?” 

Shirley slapped Cecelia across the face, leaving red fingerprint marks temporarily on her pale cheek. Shirley spat at her again and turned to eye up Ben asking him questions about Callum and how he was okay with having her around, but the young man was oblivious and didn’t answer her.

Shirley stormed off and never saw Callum’s mom again after their brief interaction, assuming that she’d left Walford. It’s what she always did after all: left. She didn’t even bring up the topic with Callum or Stuart because she despised the woman so much. If she didn’t have to talk about scumbag Cecelia, then why would she? 

Cece didn’t tell Ben who she was until the third time that they’d met. She’d cornered him in the street and backed him into a dark alley. 

“I have to tell him!” Ben screamed at her, but she stood opposite him in the dark alley they were in and laughed right back in his face.

“No you don’t,” she stated, “Do you really think he wants me back in his life, eh? If you tell him I’m here it’s gonna break him. And then he’ll become a falling star, just like you, and just like me.” 

Ben cocked his eyebrows up, “A what?” 

The woman took a long drag of her cigarette and blew the smoke purposefully into Ben’s face. “A falling star,” she repeated, smiling. “See, I’ve figured you out, Ben Mitchell. I know what you did. You’re a self-destructive star and when you fall, you fall hard. You crash and you burn and you take down everyone around you. Just like you did with Stella.”

Ben blinked slowly, trying to comprehend what she was saying and what she said next haunted him to this very day. The words had stuck with him and moulded him. They made sure he never told Callum about his mom, because he didn’t want Callum to turn into a falling star, not like Ben.

***

“Ben?” Callum sat down at their round table as Ben was preparing dinner. There was a notebook on the table with an address written in it. Callum turned the page and scrunched up a blank piece of paper and threw it at Ben to get his attention. 

Ben swiftly turned around and looked confused, putting down the ladle he was using to plate up the food placed on the counter. He was about to make a snarky comment when he saw what Callum was pointing at. 

They’d eventually gotten out of the bathroom and Callum had gone to dress and relax whilst Ben cooked dinner. During this time, Ben had noticed something strange at their window and opened it. Rain was tumbling heavily from the clouds above, a huge storm approaching Walford. 

“Why is there a cat in here?” Callum smiled, petting the wet creature as it weaved its way through his legs underneath the table. 

“Well I tried to shoo it away, but it looked wet and sad so I just let it in,” Ben explained, acting like it was a regular occurrence when it clearly wasn’t. Not to Callum anyway. 

The cat would often come to their window ever since they moved into this flat and Ben would let it in and cuddle it until it wanted to leave. It started to appear more regularly after the fire at the Beale house, and when Ben was mute and Callum went out, the cat was comforting to him. It was as if it knew when Ben needed him. The younger man pretended he didn’t like animals and their affection. He decided that would make him too vulnerable and Callum would just tease him, so he’d kept the cat a secret until today. 

Callum stood up and walked over to Ben, wrapping his arms around his waist. “You’re a big softie, ain’t ya?” Callum chuckled, seemingly calmer than he was earlier, much to Ben’s relief. 

A visible blush spread across Ben’s face at the comment. “Shut up,” he said, turning his attention back to the food and their plates.

They talked over dinner about Lola’s baby. She’d given birth to a little girl who was steadily getting more healthy every day according to the doctors. The couple had been informed that it was almost time for the baby to come home. Jay was still nowhere to be found, and the pair doubted he’d return anytime soon. He hadn’t even bothered to show up at Lola’s funeral. 

“We’d push each other into walls and bushes,” Ben had read, as Lexi cried into Callum’s arms in the church. “She wouldn’t ask me if I was okay when I fell. She’d just ask me if I enjoyed my trip, and mercilessly push me into more walls and bushes, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” 

Lexi was still staying over at Shirley and Phil’s whilst they attempted to normalise their lives again, but it wasn’t getting any easier. 

There was a buzz at their door which Callum heard and alerted Ben towards, both rising from their chairs to see. They weren’t sure who it was going to be anymore when they answered that door, but they certainly weren’t expecting this. 

“Ben!”


	13. You need me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, violence, substance abuse

“Ben!” Phil’s voice erupted into their ears as he stood outside their flat in the heavy rain, half empty bottle of vodka in his hands. He clumsily stumbled over to Ben and embraced him as Ben looked over at Callum with wide eyes who inwardly sighed. 

That’s when they noticed Stuart with a cast on his leg, which got crushed in the fire, stood behind Phil. ‘Sorry’ he signed to Ben, his mouth forming into an apologetic smile. Phil was already heading up the stairs by himself, alcohol in hand, all three men following behind him and shutting out the storm outside. 

“Dad, what are you doing?” Ben stuttered, very much aware of the alcohol in the glass bottle. He was quite literally holding his life in the palm of his hands. Callum noticed the pained look on Ben’s face and closed his eyes slowly. They’d been here before. 

They glanced at Stuart who shrugged, “I just found him like this, said he needed to talk to you.” He emphasised the words ‘talk’ and ‘you’ so that Ben could understand. 

Phil turned around, putting the alcohol he was holding down on the kitchen counter of their flat before letting out an obnoxiously loud laugh. Ben looked up at the ceiling, briefly praying that drunk Phil wasn’t going to become a permanent feature in his life again. There was a bang that echoed throughout the flat coming from downstairs which Callum assumed was the door slamming, unsure of whether they’d closed it properly amongst the chaos. 

Shirley entered the room with Lexi in tow. She told the little girl to go to her room whilst she talked to her dad and Callum. Lexi complied, too tired to take in the scene playing out in front of her and headed off to watch tv in the spare room. 

Phil walked up to Ben and pointed, placing his finger onto Ben’s chest, prodding him. “Listen to me, eh? Yeah, I gotta tell you something,” Phil tried to whisper, but everyone in the room could still hear him. 

Shirley approached Phil and grabbed him by the arm tightly, trying to pull him away from Ben. “He’s talking shit again,” Shirley grumbled. “Don’t listen to him, Ben.” Phil backed off and stumbled across the floor, slipping as he walked and falling flat on his face, laying there, laughing to himself.

“Again? You knew he was on the bottle again and didn’t think to tell me?” Ben asked Shirley accusingly, his one hand on his hip as he scratched his head with his other. 

Shirley and Callum exchanged a strange look with one another before Shirley sighed. “I’ll lock him in one of the rooms in his house until he stops, yeah?” she suggested, pointing at the man passed out on the floor on their flat. 

“Fine,” Ben huffed and walked over to where Phil was lying. “Dad,” he said, shaking Phil’s body as the older man stirred. “Dad, get up.” Phil lay still on the floor as Ben attempted to drag him across the floor in the direction of the door. “Get up, dammit!” He yelled, making Callum flinch at the loud exclamation. 

Phil’s eyes fluttered slightly before opening as he violently choked, followed by a laugh. “Eh? Where am I?”

Shirley rolled her eyes and gestured for the couple to give her a hand, lifting Phil to his feet. All three of them struggled on the way back to the Mitchell household, leaving Stuart to look after Lexi, watching a cartoon on the television in the spare room which she’d made into her own bedroom over time.

“It’s February, is that fucking snow?” Ben grumbled, his arm holding up Phil as they trudged over to the back gate of the house. 

Callum opened the gate for the four of them to enter through. “It’s hail, Ben,” Callum stated, looking at Ben in the eyes and chuckling. 

The younger man was more focused on sitting Phil down at the kitchen table. Shirley struggled when he refused to let go of the both of them. He flung his limbs around, trying to keep Ben and Shirley’s grip on him, as if to keep them close. When he swung, his elbow collided with Ben’s face, causing him to stumble backwards into Callum who caught him. His nose was bleeding heavily, as Phil turned to look at him, laughing at the accident. Ben glared at his dad and fumbled out of Callum’s hold. 

“Don’t fucking start this again, dad,” Ben glared, eyes brimming with tears from the impact of the hit on his nose, and his emotions high. “Because I swear to god I will not be there to catch you when you fall straight back into that dirty little gutter you came from. Not now. Not again.” 

Callum’s eyes widened at the furious remark, following Ben as he stormed off out of the house. 

Shirley flinched when the door slammed behind the two men. Phil slammed his fists onto the table and spat everywhere as he spoke, much to Shirley’s disgust. “You’ve been begging me to tell him all this time and now what? Now you want me to keep my trap shut?” 

Shirley wiped her hand across her face in stress. “I’ll sort it,” Shirley huffed. “I’ll make sure he stays away from now on, he’s already done enough damage.” 

Phil laughed and leant back in his seat, throwing his hands up in the air. “He,” Phil announced, emphasising the pronoun, “He killed Kathy. He probably set fire to the house and killed Lola. What makes you think he won’t go after Ben and finish the job?” 

A silence broke out in the kitchen, the couple staring at each other from opposite sides of the table, both standing their ground. They knew exactly who was behind all of this, but they couldn’t tell Ben. It would break him, and they were both starting to wonder if Ben could ever be fixed. 

***

When the men had arrived home there was a tense atmosphere between them, Callum desperately trying to get Ben to calm down. Neither of them were coping. Callum was getting PTSD symptoms that were worsening as the days went by and Ben felt less and less emotion every second. They were both aware of each other struggling and they were trying to take care of each other, just like they’d promised Pam they would. They couldn’t help but wonder if who they were, together, was enough to get them through this. 

Callum eventually got Ben to sit down at the table, cleaning up the dried blood that had ran from his nose, down his chapped lips, spreading across his chin. 

Ben looked up at Callum and whispered, “I must look a mess right now.” 

Callum sighed and placed his hand on Ben’s knee comfortingly. “Not to me,” he smiled. Not to me. Everyone thought he was a thug, a criminal, a monster, but he wasn’t. Not to Callum. Maybe what they had was always going to be enough, Callum thought to himself, but only time would tell.

***

The following day the couple received a phone call from the hospital that it was time to bring home the baby, but Jay was still nowhere to be found. 

“Can we keep the cat please?” Lexi pleaded, cuddling the cat that lay asleep in her lap peacefully on the sofa. 

The baby had been crying consistently ever since they’d brought her home and Ben was attempting to cradle it in his arms in the kitchen. Callum smiled at Lexi, rubbing the baby’s back as Ben held onto her. 

Callum turned to Lexi, “Well it depends if the cat wants to stay, Lex.” 

Lexi stroked the cats fur as it purred beneath her, stretching whilst falling in and out of slumber. “You’ll stay, won’t you, bubbles?” she asked, the cat purring in response. Lexi had already named the cat ‘bubbles’ after she insisted on giving it a bath, noticing the creature was covered in dirt from the outside and the storm. Bubbles didn’t seem too keen on the idea of water or bubbles, but soon warmed up to Lexi, not leaving her side since she began to stay at Ben and Callum’s flat again. 

“Oh shit,” Ben complained, noticing that the baby’s nappy was starting to fill up, wafting his nose with his hand at the smell that it had caused.

Callum raised his eyebrows, “Oh, you’re right. A literal shit.” 

He took the baby from Ben’s arms and lay her down on the changing mat that they’d set up temporarily on the kitchen counter. It wasn’t the best place for it but it was the most convenient for the time being. Ben reached into the cupboard underneath Callum’s legs and grabbed the pack of nappies he’d gotten from the shops earlier. 

Callum eyed up the label. “These things are expensive, ain’t they?” He examined disapprovingly, as Ben opened up the pack and removed one. 

Ben raised his eyebrows and glanced at the price. “Oh, I wouldn’t know. I didn’t buy them,” he said casually. 

Callum took the nappy from Ben’s hands, removing the old one and placing it in the bin, the baby continuing to cry in discomfort. “What do you mean?” Callum asked, a look of confusion washing over his face momentarily. 

Ben scrunched up his nose and averted his gaze. Lexi giggled at him from across the room, aware of her dads antics earlier on in the day. Callum looked between the duo, his eyes widening. 

Callum sighed and blinked slowly, “Ben, did you steal these?” 

Lexi grinned as she saw a familiar smile spread across her dads face, a glint of mischief present in his eyes. Callum didn’t get a response, trying to stay angry at Ben’s absurdity. 

“You STOLE the nappies, Ben!” Callum exclaimed, the baby still crying as he proceeded to change her. Ben scratched his head and raised his arms up in defence, “What? Sue me.”

They’d settled on a name in the car ride home. “How about Dani?” Callum suggested, focusing on driving the car carefully. Ben was sat next to him in the passenger seat, reading his lips whilst Lexi was sat in the back of the car with the baby. 

Callum smiled at Lexi in the rear view mirror who was happily watching over the baby. “Why Dani?” Ben asked curiously. 

Callum put on his indicator and slowly turned the steering wheel, turning the corner. “Well, it’s like Danielle. It can be shortened and I think it’s a cute nickname.” 

Lexi giggled, “What about Rachel? Like the woman from friends. She was funny and pretty.” Callum shook his head, Ben trying to understand, and realising Lexi must’ve been talking to him from the back seat. 

Callum stopped at the red traffic light and turned to Ben. “She said Rachel,” Callum stated, enunciating the syllables in the name. 

Ben turned around to face Lexi sat in the backseat. “Have you been watching friends again? I told you that’s an adult show.” 

Lexi shrugged her shoulders, Ben rolling his eyes and turning back around comfortably in his seat. He noticed a shop on the corner of the street and squinted to make out the small lettering. 

“Katherine,” Ben mumbled, Callum accelerating when the light turned green, passing the shop which read ‘Lola and Katherine’s.’ It was almost like a sign from the universe, signalling him in the right direction, telling Ben everything was okay, because Lola was watching over them somewhere. 

Callum smiled, continuing to drive, “Katherine.” He appreciated the name as it rolled off of his tongue with ease. It felt in place. “Kat, for short, and a little nod to your mom, Kathy?”

Ben hadn’t even considered homage to his mother, but as those words fell from Callum’s lips he knew that Katherine was the perfect name for the new baby. 

Callum picked up the baby and cradled it again, feeling a strange sense of familiarity wash over him, but he shook off the feeling. The cat jumped off of Lexi’s lap and headed towards the table, licking it before circling the surface and lying down on it, drifting off back to sleep. The little girl stood up and walked over to Ben and Callum, who held a crying Katherine in their arms. 

Lexi reached out to touch the baby. “Here,” she gestured, touching the baby’s face, wanting to hold her younger sister. Callum hesitantly handed the baby over to Lexi, watching as the young girl cooed her, until Kat fell silent. 

Ben smiled and leaned into Callum, the soft fabric of his jumper grazing against his skin. He knew this feeling: serenity, because he didn’t feel it often. 

***

Ben hummed, trying to fix the car in front of him inside the Arches. He felt a hand stroke the back of his head and turned to see Callum smiling down at him. Ben reached up to plant a kiss on Callum’s lips, dropping his spanner in the process on the ground beneath their feet. 

Ben pulled away and slowly opened his eyes, a feeling of bliss rushing through his body. “Who’s watching Katherine and Lex?” Ben asked, running his hands through Callum’s hair as he stroked his hand along his face. 

Callum signed ‘grumpy’ and replied, “Shirley.” 

Ben looked alarmed by this revelation and Callum soon realised why. “Is my dad there?” He questioned, a serious tone flashing through each one of his words. 

Callum shook his head and explained to Ben that Shirley was watching them over at their flat after locking Phil in his bedroom at the Mitchell house. Ben approved of this. He didn’t want Phil messing up his own kids childhood in the same way he ruined his with his drinking. 

Callum felt Ben tense up and turned to see Luke standing in the open doorway of the Arches. 

“Thought I told you to leave,” Callum spat, possessively placing a hand on Ben’s chest and moving him behind his body, hidden from Luke’s view. He could still read his lips, the sunlight shining through into the garage despite the heavy rain shower outside.

Luke laughed and took a step closer towards them. “Oh I would, but of course, I bet you’re wondering where your little friend is.” 

Thoughts instantly spiralled through Ben’s brain trying to figure out who Luke was referring to, and that’s when it clicked. 

“Jay?” Luke grinned, tilting his head so that he could catch Ben’s eye. 

Callum tensed up and raised his head higher, standing tall and towering over Luke’s visibly smaller frame. “Where is he?” Callum asked calmly, trying to keep a cool head. 

Luke laughed mockingly and prodded Callum in the chest. “Awh look you,” he teased, “All protective. Big man. Trying to keep him all to yourself, are you?” 

Callum glared at the man in front of him and lightly pushed him backwards away from him and Ben. 

“It won’t work, you know,” Luke scoffed. “He’s selfish, he likes to get around and have a piece of everyone don’t you, Ben?”

Callum turned to see Ben cowering where he was standing behind him, shaking his head which was facing down to the floor, doubting himself. He was trying to get inside his head again and Callum could tell that despite Ben’s strength it was starting to work. 

“Poor helpless Ben just wants everyone to abuse him. Stella. Me. Your dad,” Luke listed. “I bet you want pretty boy here to have a go, eh? Is that why you’re keeping him around? Makes you feel something, does he?” 

Ben begged for him to stop, Luke’s voice visibly taunting him. Callum approached the older man once more and warned him to stop but he kept going. 

“You should give it a try,” Luke said to Callum and gestured towards Ben. “Punch him. Break his ribs. Beat him. He loves it. He needs it, don’t you, Ben? You need me.”

Those last few words locked onto Callum and made him snap. He didn’t know who or where he was anymore, he just felt his fist connect with Luke’s jaw over and over again, kicking his limp body to the ground. Ben tried to get him off of the abusive man he once knew, screaming at him and sobbing, but he couldn’t do it. 

Callum felt dizzy and disorientated staring down at the bloody massacre of the man on the ground before him. He span around noticing someone stood behind a crying Ben whose hands were covering his mouth in shock. 

“Chris?” Callum whispered incoherently, staggering forwards, glancing at the man in his vision once again. His heart rate quickened as the hallucination of Chris grinned at him through rotting yellow teeth. His eyes were hollow, nothing but black flooding them like two black holes. The image was terrifying to Callum and it worsened as the hallucination of Chris began to scream an ear wrenching scream that pierced his ears, causing them to ring. 

Ben wasn’t sure what was happening to Callum, unaware of the vision he was seeing, unable to hear his cries of ‘Chris’. He thought he was hyperventilating and grabbed a hold of him trying to ground him back into reality. 

“Cal, baby, listen to me, okay,” Ben tilted Callum’s head up, a trail of blood smeared across his face. “Everything’s going to be fine.” 

Except it wasn’t. 

A blood stained Luke had risen from the ground and was now growling, infuriated. He pounced on top of a tense Callum who was struggling to breathe as it was, and tried to strangle him. Ben was panicking, limbs flailing everywhere, desperately trying to get Luke’s grip around Callum’s neck to loosen, but the man was intent on strangling him.

Luke fell to the floor suddenly, something heavy hitting the back of his head, knocking him unconscious. 

“Stuart?” Ben squinted his eyes and looked up to see Stuart holding the spanner that Ben was previously fixing the car with, blood smeared across it. He’d protected his brother, just like he promised he always would. “You’ve killed him.” 

“Mom?” Callum choked, trying to get his breath back. He almost felt drunk. He was lightheaded and resisted the urge to collapse and pass out onto the floor next to Luke’s body. 

Stuart dropped the spanner to the ground and Cece laughed at the scene playing out before her. “Yeah he found me wandering round Walford, but I’m guessing now isn’t the right time, is it?” 

Stuart proceeded to yell at his mom and tell her that this wasn’t funny as the four of them argued about what to do next. 

Cecelia shrugged, “I’m just saying you could easily bury him in the woods outside of London. Get an untraceable car and burn the lot, no one would ever know he was here.” 

It was absurd, but it might’ve just worked. Callum was too out of it to think of a rational response and Ben nodded his head in agreement. 

“Get a car,” Ben began, huffing in frustration and stress. “Drive it far. Bury the dead bastard.” 

And so they did. Stuart letting Cece drive a stolen car she’d stumbled across, his leg still in a cast. It was an easy enough task, but one of them knew something that the others didn’t. 

They were being watched.


	14. I can’t love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s getting spicyyyy

A month had passed since Luke had met his gruesome demise, and Callum’s birthday was fast approaching. They hadn’t celebrated Ben’s properly because they were planning a joint party together on Callum’s birthday: the 25th. The younger man was just grateful the fucking snow had stopped falling despite the constant storms they were having. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Callum,” Stuart had reassured him after returning home from the woods with their mom. She stood in their flat with her arms folded, attempting to light a cigarette but Stuart stopped her. 

Once Callum’s shaking had minimised and Stuart had drove off, dead body in the boot, Ben had taken Callum back to their flat. He’d tried to walk them quickly across the square, not drawing attention to the blood coating Callum’s hands and clothes. Somebody was still watching them from afar. Every move. Every step. Stalking them. 

Ben fumbled with his keys and dropped them once before picking them back up and opening the door to their flat, leading Callum upstairs. He could no longer see Chris, but the image was buried deep in his mind, haunting him. Ben had turned on the shower hurriedly and insisted Callum wash the blood from him and his clothes, helping him as he did so. He thought about Heather and the lengths they’d gone to in order to cover it up. This time he had Callum and he was worried the older man was going to snap given the state he was in. 

Ben put his hands on either side of Callum’s face. “We’ll fix this, yeah?” Ben spoke clearly. Callum nodded his head under Ben’s touch, tears falling freely from his face as he soaked his blood stained hands underneath the hot water. His engagement ring flickered beneath the harsh light of the bathroom, and Callum was careful not to let it slip from his skin. 

Cecelia laughed at them, nudging Stuart and teasing him as if this was all just a game to her. “Awh look at that!” She exclaimed, a wide grin stretching across her face. “My two sons working together to cover up a murder. You love to see it, don’t you?”

Stuart glared at her and snapped, “I’m not your son though, am I?” 

He’d regretted the words as soon as they’d escaped his lips, a flurry of questions and stutters spilling from Callum’s mouth. Cece’s eyes widened as Stuart announced the revelation. “I treated you like my own,” she spat, prodding Stuart in the chest, “You ungrateful little psycho.” 

Ben stood in between the pair, sensing the tension without hearing what it was about, trying to avoid anymore violence from occurring. Callum stared in shock at his brother who hesitantly explained to him that they still shared the same dad, but their mom was not the same.

“It’s Stella,” Stuart explained, “My mom is Stella, her sister.” He’d known ever since he was a child, hiding the secret from Callum, not wanting him to know the truth in case he viewed their relationship any differently. Stuart didn’t know exactly who Stella was, nor her connection to Ben until Cecelia had told him when they’d passed in the square earlier that day. Stuart cornered her telling her to leave and warned her not to cause anymore heartbreak, which pissed her off. That’s when she told him exactly who his mom really was: an abuser. Ben’s abuser. 

Callum began to scream at Stuart and his mom, urging them both to leave, and so they did. Callum hadn’t seen either of them for an entire month and he was beginning to wonder if his mom had left permanently again. 

Ben had desperately tried to normalise their lives and get back into a routine since Lexi had gone back to school after grieving the loss of Lola. He was trying so hard to take care of the baby and look after Callum. He’d almost forgotten to take care of himself. Phil was still drinking but Shirley claimed that he was getting better. Whether that was true or not, Ben didn’t know, and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to know. 

“Cal,” Ben whispered, stroking through his soft brown hair as they lay in bed together, Callum lying asleep next to Ben. 

Callum stirred in his sleep and turned on his side to face Ben, rubbing his eyes. He groaned in disgust, pointing to his temple, “My head hurts.” 

Ben shuffled closer to him and placed a kiss on his forehead, reminiscing on their drinking session that had took place the night before. He felt like they were getting back to their old lives, trying to out drink each other in a pre-birthday celebration. “Maybe you shouldn’t have drank so much then,” Ben replied, fingers continuing to loop through Callum’s hair soothingly. 

Callum gazed adoringly back at the man who lay next to him. Ben had been there for him this past month through everything. He’d calmed him down after every panic attack he’d witnessed. He’d helped him get back into a regular routine and throw himself back into his paramedic work after an extended break. Ben had been waking up to stop the baby from crying in the middle of the night. He’d also been searching tirelessly for Jay, trying to find any hints as to his location after Luke’s comment. It’s a shame Stuart had killed their only lead in Jay’s disappearance. They’d notified the police by this point, but there was no sign of him. It was like his whole identity had just vanished. 

Callum still had episodes where he’d see Chris or believe that their flat was on fire when it wasn’t. He’d pick up baby Katherine and try to take her outside away from the flames, but there weren’t any. It was all inside of Callum’s head. 

Ben wasn’t coping. He was taking care of too many people and no one was taking care of him. Callum was trying but Ben wanted to suppress everything, especially his grief. He couldn’t bare to look at the baby without thinking about Lola. He didn’t know if they’d done the right thing in keeping Katherine around and he needed to tell Callum how he felt. 

Callum kissed Ben softly before pulling away and smiling. “I’ve booked a date for our wedding,” Callum beamed, still holding his head in pain. Ben raised his eyebrows and examined the man in front of him. “I didn’t mean to but last night when we were drinking I may have booked us a venue. Lucky it’s a nice one because it was an impulsive decision,” Callum explained. 

There was nothing Ben wanted to do more than marry the man he loved. He felt lucky enough to find someone who finally accepted him for who he was. All of him. Even the parts of Ben that he’d try to hide away, Callum brought them to the surface and embraced them. 

Callum rubbed his head once more and reached over to his bedside table, drinking from the glass that sat on it. Suddenly he choked, the liquid dribbling from his chin onto the bedsheets below him causing Ben to laugh. 

“That’s not water is it?” Ben grinned.

Callum placed the glass back down on the side, rubbing his arm across his shirt and the sheets where he’d spat out the liquid. Callum scoffed, “Vodka. That was definitely vodka.”

***

“Well, look who it is,” a male voice echoed throughout the empty building of the Albert. 

Ben had received documents and a letter from Ian several days ago telling him that he was handing over the cafe to Ben. He had no intention of coming back to Walford and said he was sorry for everything that had happened in the past. He also sent his regards to Lexi and condolences for Lola’s death which he’d also had the pleasure of reading about in the newspaper, much like Lola’s own mother. He told Ben that Bobby was doing okay and that he’d gone to stay with a friend for a while, not having a house to live in anymore.

Ben had enlisted Shirley to manage the cafe whilst he tried to keep The Albert afloat. Plus, he was running the car lot and the Arches by himself with Phil off the wagon and Jay off the scene. He had hope that Jay was out there somewhere and prayed that he wasn’t dead, because he didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to cope on his own. The pressure was piling on top of him with every day that passed. He had Callum, but he wasn’t of much use to him when he could barely support himself. 

“Aren’t you a bit young to be drinking in a bar?” Ben huffed, making his way over to the teenage boy sat down at one of the tables in The Albert, alone. 

Ben took several steps closer to the boy, examining his facial features. He looked familiar somehow, but Ben couldn’t quite place it. “It’s you,” Ben stated. “Cece pointed you out. You were on that rollercoaster with me at the fairground asking me weird questions.”

“Rowan,” the boy offered out his hand for Ben to shake. He spelt out his name in sign language on his fingers so that Ben could understand. 

Ben nodded his head in recognition. “Weird name, who gave you that?” Ben asked, but the boy had an unamused look on his face. “Who are you then? Another one of Cece’s little puppets, following me round, trying to get Callum’s attention?”

Ben picked up on the fact that Rowan smiled at the mention of Callum’s name and couldn’t help but wonder why. 

Rowan tapped his fingers against the table and feigned a hurt gasp. “A puppet?” He asked, leaning back in his chair. “Well, falling star, I am much more important than that.” 

Falling star. Ben considered scoping out the building, feeling as though Cece was lurking in the shadows somewhere, waiting to pounce on him. 

Ben rolled his eyes and leant back in his chair, folding his arms to mirror Rowan’s unimpressed stance. “Well, all-important-Rowan,” Ben addressed the teenage boy. “Do you mind getting out of my bar?”

Rowan scoffed, “Your bar?” He leant forward on the table with his elbows and began to whisper, “Now see that is interesting. Was that also your garage on the square? Because I seem to remember last month something very...important happening as I was walking past.” 

Ben tried to act unphased by Rowan’s comments, his poker face firmly glued to his expression. He wondered how much Rowan had actually seen, but he knew for certain that he was referring to the murder that had took place that day. 

Rowan whispered, “I see you, Ben.” He was signing a lot of the words that he was saying, leaving Ben to think about how this teenager was so fluent in sign language. “I see you and your family. I saw you shouting, covered in blood, dragging a weirdly shaped bag into the boot of a car? Callum? He was shaking too, his hands were bloody. Now,” Rowan slammed his fists onto the table, his knuckles creating a loud noise as they connected with the hard surface. A wide grin spread across his face when he continued, “Isn’t that interesting?”

Ben narrowed his eyes at the teenager in front of him who was now smirking mischievously. What could he possibly want with all of this information? It was as if he was following them around everywhere and Ben couldn’t figure out why. 

“Who are you?” Ben asked, tilting his head and leaning forward onto the table, face closer to Rowan’s now. 

Rowan didn’t have to tell him, but he wanted to. Ben was left bewildered at the revelation, endless questions wanting to escape his lips. None of it made sense. It was like their own little puzzle and Ben was still missing one crucial piece. 

“You’re a fucking car crash,” Ben whispered angrily as Rowan laughed in his face. 

“Car crash?” Rowan smirked, leaving the question lingering in the air for Ben to ponder on. The words burned deep and stained Ben’s skin just like the fire had. Rowan got up from his seat and left a note on the table for Ben to read, exiting through the entrance of the bar. 

‘Hey, falling star.

Try not to crash and burn. 

Cecelia x’

***

Maybe now wasn’t the right time to tell Callum the truth, but he had to do something. They were due to appear at The Vic in an hour for their joint birthday party celebration, but they were struggling to calm down baby Katherine. Lola’s mother had since made her way back onto the scene this past month and insisted on being in her grandchildren’s lives. She’d missed out on Lola’s upbringing and didn’t want to go through it again. 

She rolled her eyes at the couple. “That’s not how you hold a baby you slob,” she snapped, taking the baby away from Ben’s grip and cradling it in her own arms. She rocked Katherine gently and hummed to her softly until eventually the crying stopped. 

Ben’s eyes were brimmed with tears as Callum stood next to him with worrying eyes. 

“Maybe you should take her,” Ben suggested, choking on his words and trying to avoid Callum’s gaze. 

A confused expression washed over Leanne’s features as she held the baby in her arms. “I am taking her? Whilst you go to the pub.” 

Ben wiped his eyes with his sleeve, exhaustion sweeping throughout his whole body. His eyes were bloodshot and Callum had noticed, thinking it was due to his lack of sleep. 

Ben sighed, “I mean more permanently.” 

Callum tilted his head, gently touching Ben’s arm to get his attention but Ben was refusing to look at him in the eye. Callum reached up with his hand, steering Ben’s chin upwards, forcing their eyes to meet. The pained look on Ben’s face broke Callum’s heart and he felt guilty for not noticing sooner how much Ben was struggling. 

“Ben,” Callum whispered, his eyes now beginning to water at the sight of Ben and what he was suggesting. 

Ben sniffled and shook his head. “I can’t do this, Cal. I’m trying so hard, but it’s too hard. I look at her and all I can see is Lola.”

Lola. Callum thought about her everyday. It’s what kept him up at night in between the frequent hallucinations. He’d promised Jay he’d look after her and he’d failed, just like he always seemed to do. The guilt was possessing his entire being and every moment that passed was getting harder. He thought if he went back to work he’d stop thinking about her, but he couldn’t. Everyone at work called him a hero. The people he continued to save on the job were calling him a hero. It infuriated him. He wasn’t a hero. He couldn’t save Lola and he couldn’t even save her baby right now. Ben’s mind was made up. 

Ben approached the baby which Leanne had laid down in her cot, tears streaming down his cheeks at a rapid pace. 

“I can’t love you,” Ben whispered, his rough fingers running against Katherine’s soft face. “I can’t, but I do, and I’m so sorry baby.” 

Ben began to sob, Callum watching him from across the room in disbelief. Ben had made this decision without him and for that he was in a state of shock. Callum rushed out of the flat, Ben begging him not to leave, but he didn’t chase after him. 

Callum ran across the square, emotions bursting from him. He didn’t know whether he was frustrated or angry or confused. He just wanted time to freeze. He sat on the swings outside of the Arches, tears rolling off of his cheeks, his face a dark shade of red. He didn’t know how long he sat there for, suffocating himself in his own tears, but eventually the anger subsided. 

He felt a hand brush against his and expected it to be Ben’s, but it wasn’t. Cecelia smiled at him weakly, “Hi Callum, can we talk?”


	15. Somewhere

“Hi Callum, can we talk?” Cecelia asked, her fingers brushing over Callum’s hand as she towered over him where he was sat on the swing. 

Callum didn’t know what to say or do anymore. Ben had just given up Katherine without consulting him first. He knew that taking care of a baby wasn’t the easiest job in the world, but it had its rewards. All he saw was Lola when he gazed into Katherine’s eyes and the overwhelming guilt of not being able to save Lola from the fire, but he was willing to cope. For her. What if Jay turned up one day and the baby wasn’t around anymore? Katherine deserved more. She deserved a family, and Callum wanted to be that family. 

He gestured for Cecelia to sit down on the swing next to him. Callum looked over at her and realised she was holding out a bottle of vodka which she offered to him. He took a swig and sighed, rubbing his temple with his spare hand. 

She smiled weakly at him, “Tough day, huh? How you coping?” 

Callum examined his mother’s features, trying to reassure himself that he wasn’t having another vision and that she was actually sat in front of him. 

He leant back on his feet, causing the seat to swing slightly in the air and replied, “I ain’t coping.” 

Cecelia grabbed a lighter from her pocket and a cigarette, starting to smoke it as she looked up at the sky. There weren’t any stars out yet, just grey clouds and thunder rumbling in the distance. A storm was approaching them. Callum noticed his mother had multiple faint scars across her face, stretching down to her neck. He had so many questions he wanted to ask her, and so many words he wanted to scream at her, but he couldn’t. When he looked at his mother all he could see was a broken reflection of a woman he once knew. He didn’t know who she was, not really. He didn’t know where she’d been all this time or what she’d been through, but one question played ruthlessly on his mind. 

“Why did you leave?” Callum asked, taking another gulp of the alcohol from the bottle she’d passed him, the liquid burning his throat as it entered his system. 

She chuckled and turned to face her son, a pitiful expression on her face. “Ain’t that the question of the century?” She shifted on her seat and lifted her legs up so that she could sit cross legged on the swing, somehow managing to balance on the unsteady surface.

Callum nursed the alcohol in his hands and closed his eyes, wishing he was somewhere else. He desperately needed to talk to Ben. He shouldn’t have stormed out on him, but he was too frustrated to stand there and watch someone else take the baby away. A baby he now considered his own.

Callum stood up from his place on the swing and handed the bottle back to Cece before attempting to walk away. His mom placed a hand on his arm to stop him. “Wait,” she spoke hesitantly, unsure of what she was going to say next. She dropped her cigarette to the ground and crushed it beneath her feet. Callum shrugged at her, waiting for his mom to say something. Anything. 

She sighed and looked at Callum directly in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” she breathed out. 

Callum nodded and tilted his head down, staring at the cement beneath his feet, gently kicking the dirt. He’d waited so long to hear those words, not knowing if he ever would. Now he finally had and he felt his eyes brim with tears. 

She squeezed Callum’s arm with her hand and began to explain, “I wasn’t happy, Callum. You know, I was raising Stuart after Stella just took off and I hated every second of it. Your dad came to look for his kid and then we talked and well, me and him we- we had you.” 

Callum sat back down on the swing next to her, watching as she smiled at him. He was staying for her, despite the fact that she’d never stayed for him. 

Cecelia huffed, “Stuart was just there. I never really felt anything towards him, but you were different, because you were mine.” Callum felt pained by these words. He’d pushed his brother away this past month, not allowing Stuart to speak to him. Callum realised now that it wasn’t his brothers fault. They were still connected, they always would be. 

“You taught me how to love, Callum, and that scared me. It scared me so fucking much because it made me weak, vulnerable, and I didn’t wanna be those things. I didn’t wanna stay around if all I was gonna do in the end was let you down. So, I did what I’ve always done. I left. I can’t hurt anyone if I ain’t got no one.” 

Those words resonated with him like he’d heard them before, and then he remembered Ben. 

‘I can’t hurt anyone if I haven’t got anyone around to hurt.’ That’s what Ben had told him after one of their fights. He’d tried to push Callum away, but it didn’t work. Callum stayed, and he always would. He regretted leaving Ben alone in the flat now. All he wanted to do was fix everything. 

Cecelia smiled at him and gestured towards Callum’s face, “You’ve got that look in your eyes again.” 

Callum looked up from where he was staring down at the floor, lost in thought and connected his line of vision with his moms. “What look?” He asked curiously, not realising he’d even done anything. 

She reached across and took his hands in hers, rubbing her fingers softly over each one of his knuckles. “You can’t save everyone, Callum.” 

***

“What, so you’re just handing over the baby, just like that?” Leanne scoffed, catching Ben’s gaze as he read her lips. 

Callum had just stormed out and Ben was instantly regretting not running after him straight away, but he needed to explain to Leanne. 

Ben shook his head, his fingers continuing to softly stroke the surface of Katherine’s face. “I can’t cope,” Ben whispered, careful not to wake the baby. “I can barely look after Lex when she’s here, and Callum.”

Leanne approached the baby and picked her up from her cot, cradling her as she stayed sound asleep. “You’re going through shit, yeah?” She whispered softly. “Ain’t we all? What makes you think I’m gonna do a better job at this than you? I weren’t exactly there for Lola, was I?” 

Ben pondered for a few moments, looking at the baby wrapped up peacefully in her arms. He was starting to doubt his decision and Leanne’s ability to actually raise a child. “I’ll talk to Callum,” Ben said, his fingers brushing against Katherine’s back before he left the flat, on the hunt for Callum. 

He stepped outside and walked across the square, looking inside the pub first, but Callum wasn’t in there. He made his way through the market when he felt something hit his back. He turned to see a piece of paper on the ground beneath his feet and tilted his head upwards, locking eyes with Rowan. 

“Thanks,” Ben commented sarcastically, picking up the paper and tossing it back in the teenagers direction. 

Rowan signed ‘where are you going’ and skipped in his step over to Ben, the pair continuing to walk down the street in the direction of the Arches. 

Ben pointed and spoke hesitantly, “I’m looking for Callum.” The older man really didn’t want to have this conversation, but the younger boy was persistent on following him. 

Rowan smirked, “Me too.” He nudged Ben and stopped him in his tracks, grabbing his arm so Ben had to turn to face him. “Shall I tell him?”

Ben rubbed his head with his hand stressfully, “Do what you want, Rowan. Just let me talk to him first, yeah?” 

Rowan pouted teasingly and prodded Ben in the chest. “But I wanna talk to him,” he grinned as he attempted to run towards the Arches faster than Ben, trying to get to Callum first. 

***

“You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, Callum,” Cecelia smiled, gazing at her son sat on the swing next to her. “I’ve always seen it in you: your need to fix everyone.”

She was right. Callum had always needed a purpose in his life. He couldn’t imagine a reality where he wasn’t saving people in some sort of way. He felt as though he’d finally found his place in the world, but maybe he didn’t understand who he was at all. 

Callum didn’t respond to his mom for a while, his head spinning with thoughts. “I’m sorry I left you alone,” Cecelia apologised, something she didn’t do very often. 

Callum raised his eyebrows and smiled, “I wasn’t alone. I had Stuart, and now I have Ben.” He still had Ben. Despite everything, Ben had stayed by his side. Sometimes he’d storm out but he’d always come back. It didn’t matter what words had been exchanged, they’d soon be forgotten as soon as the pair locked eyes again. Callum locked eyes with his mom, “And I’m okay. I always was, as long as I knew you were out there. Somewhere.” 

Callum felt his eyes fill with tears again as he glanced up at the sky, not a single star in sight. He didn’t need to look to the stars for answers anymore. His star had returned to him and she was sat next to him on the opposing swing. “Promise me you won’t leave me again,” Callum spoke, his eyes brimming with tears. 

“I can’t,” his mom whispered. 

Callum shook his head and rambled on, “If this is about Luke, whatever he had on you, he’s gone now. He ain’t coming back, you saw him lying there.” He drifted off, thinking about Luke’s hands wrapped around his neck and the blood stained state his body was in because of what Callum had done to him. 

“I killed Chris,” Cece blurted out, closing her eyes and averting her gaze. Callum slowly blinked at her, trying to comprehend what his mom was telling him. 

Callum stuttered, “C-Chris? How do you even know-“

Cecelia cut him off, “That car that crashed into his, it was my car. He had a letter addressed to Callum Highway in his pocket and a photo in his wallet of him and a tall boy with the brightest blue eyes and the widest smile. I just knew it was you. I never meant to hurt you, baby, but that’s all I ever seem to do even when I’m not around.” 

Callum sat in disbelief on the swing, mouth agape when he noticed two people charging towards him at an alarming speed. The man he’d loved had been taken away from him by his own out of control mother. How was he supposed to process this information?

Callum squinted, making out Ben’s features. He was lightly pushing the teenage boy who was running after him into a nearby fence. A stream of curses were falling from his lips, the teenager laughing at him as Ben tripped on his feet and stumbled towards Callum. 

“Fuck off,” Ben spat, glaring at Rowan who ran up to Callum and stood in front of Ben, blocking his view. He was shorter than Ben but quite tall in general considering his age. 

“Callum?” the teenage boy asked, his dazzling bright green eyes glinting with mischief. 

“Yes?” Callum tried to remember where he’d seen this boy before growing suspicious. Ben was shaking his head and trying to move Rowan who was glued to his spot on the floor. 

“I’m Rowan,” he stated, holding out his hand for Callum to shake, but Cece reached over and put it back down by Rowan’s side. It’s as if the three people around him knew each other and he was an out of place puzzle piece. 

Cecelia grew angry and grabbed Rowan’s arm attempting to pull him away. “Don’t do this,” she glared at him, but the teenager refused to move. Ben came around to Callum’s side and nudged him slightly, gesturing for the older man to move over so he could sit next to him. He took Callum’s hand in his as he half-sat on the swing they shared, anxiously awaiting Callum’s reaction to whatever Rowan was about to say. Callum was grateful for the comforting hand, but some questions were still lingering in the forefront of his mind.

Callum turned to Ben, ensuring that he could read his lips. “You knew, didn’t you? Chris?” 

Ben’s eyes widened as he made eye contact with Cece who was trying to move a fidgeting Rowan from his spot. “You told him?” Ben yelled in anger, knowing about Callum’s hallucinations of Chris and fearing that they’d now increase due to the revelation. 

Callum wasn’t angry with Ben. He wasn’t sure if he felt anger at all, just blatant confusion, trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle he didn’t have the bigger picture of. Callum looked at the boy again and took in his features, a straight line now formed where his mouth was. Unimpressed. That’s when he remembered the boy sat next to Ben on the rollercoaster, emotionless. The only person on the ride who wasn’t screaming. 

The teenager held out his hand again for Callum to shake and grinned, “I’m Rowan Highway. I’ve been following you actually, but she won’t let me talk to you.” He pointed at Cece who was now loosening her grip on the young boy, unable to get him to stop talking. She figured it was best to get everything out in the open at this point. She’d given up trying to keep anymore secrets. 

Callum looked at the boy in awe and wondered why he had the same last name as him. Were they related? If he wasn’t related to him it must’ve been a strange coincidence. He was wearing a black beanie similar to the one Callum owned when he was a kid and when he smiled it was wide and mischievous. He was a strong, clear headed 14 year old boy and he was here with a clear purpose. 

“Following me?” Callum asked, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

Rowan took a breath and spoke carefully, worried Callum would run away from him when he found out the truth. Ben tightened his grip on Callum’s hand and rested his head on shoulder, closing his eyes. Callum’s eyes flickered between the pair, wondering what everyone else knew that he didn’t. “Well I’ve been looking for you for a while now and I didn’t know how to approach you. I was just scared you wouldn’t wanna talk to me,” the boy rambled on, pausing when he saw Callum’s confused expression. 

Rowan sighed and smiled widely at him, “I’m your son, Callum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and I oop-
> 
> Virgin Callum is not canon is my fic I said dad Callum rights !


	16. Rose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we love a good twist

Ben’s eyes shot wide open as he lifted his head from its position on Callum’s shoulder where they were sat on the swing. “Son?” Ben yelled at Rowan. “You told me you was his brother!” 

Rowan laughed and threw his arms up in the air in defence, becoming free of Cecelia’s grip. “Oops,” he elongated the word, grinning at the Ben. 

Ben turned his head to face Callum, loosening his grip on his hand slightly. “Son?” Ben asked, causing Callum to flinch who was sitting, mouth wide open at the teenage boy in front of him. He was frozen in time, taking in the teenagers features. Rowan had short brown hair that stuck to his forehead underneath his oversized black beanie. He was grinning with ease and his ears were slightly larger than average. Then there were his bright green eyes. Callum recognised them now. 

“Rose,” Callum mumbled under his breath, the corners of his mouth turning up into a small smile. 

He gulped and turned to meet Ben’s eyes, which were filled with visible confusion. “I don’t have a son! Besides you didn’t tell me about any of this. How do you even know them, eh?” Callum argued, stuttering his words, struggling to comprehend the situation. Ben shook his head and squeezed Callum’s hand. 

Cece sighed and started to pull her lighter and cigarettes out from her pockets again, sitting down on the bench behind her. Ben and Callum watched her, waiting for an explanation that never came. 

Cece furrowed her brows, “What?” 

“Hi,” Rowan smiled shyly, offering his hand out again for Callum to shake. 

Callum’s hands were shaking as the realisation that he had a son sunk in. His heart rate was quickening and his head was pounding unsure of what to do or what to say. Rowan leant forward and enveloped Callum into a tight hug as the older man sat still, his limbs unresponsive. 

Ben’s eyes were still locked onto Cecelia who sat unamused on the bench. “What?” She snapped, glaring at Ben. 

Ben let go of Callum’s hand and stood up from the swing, walking slowly over to her, eyeing her up. He looked between Cecelia and Rowan who was now fidgeting on the spot, Callum’s eyes fixated in awe at the teenager in front of him. 

“So, how come you’re walking round with his kid, eh?” Ben chimed in, examining Cecelia who was actively avoiding eye contact with each of them. The woman shrugged and dropped her cigarette to the ground. She stared at the Arches uninterested as Ben stood eyeing her up and blocking her from moving.

“I’m his nan, aren’t I?” Cecelia commented, stomping on the ash beneath her feet.

Ben knelt down in front of her and forced her to look at him in the eye. “So where’s his mom?” 

***

Seventeen year old Callum never fit in anywhere, not really. He thought if he went to the army that it would discipline him, take his mind away from everything. He was actively training to join in a few months, getting Stuart to help him, timing his runs. He was never bothered about education, he’d rather be running, doing something practical, anything to blur out the voices whirring in his mind. That’s when he met her. 

It was the middle of December and Callum felt something hit him sharply and melt down his neck, soaking the back of his shirt. The girl circled Callum on her bike which had a small basket at the front filled with red roses. Her cheeks were the same colour as the flower, her pale skin matching the snow beneath their feet. She bent down from her position on her bike once more and gathered up a handful of snow in her hands before throwing it at Callum and giggling. 

Callum stopped in his tracks and glared, but before he could argue, the girl spoke, “Your hat’s silly.” She pointed at Callum’s black beanie that encompassed his head and grinned. The girl suddenly lost her balance on the bike which she wasn’t holding onto properly and stumbled slightly, the metal wobbling underneath her. The bike fell in the opposite side of her as she toppled onto the floor amongst a pile of rose petals that had tipped out of her straw basket. She groaned in pain, Callum laughing at the sight in front of him. Her dark, wavy ginger hair tumbled in waves past her shoulders and onto the snow beneath her. 

Callum put his hand out for her to take, helping her up, her hair a mess of rose petals and melting fragments of snow. She reluctantly took his hand, her cheeks becoming redder from the humiliation she felt. As she rose to her feet, Callum began to gently pluck pieces out of her hair, smiling as he did so. “Fucking snow,” she cursed under her breath, much to Callum’s amusement. 

He teased, “Who looks silly now, eh?” The girl nudged him playfully with her arm and rolled her eyes. “I’m Callum,” he said, removing his hand from her hair after tucking a small strand behind her ear. 

She blushed and looked up at the taller boy. “I know I was following you,” she replied, bending down and attempting to pick up the remnants of her flowers. 

“Following me?” Callum asked, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”

He began to help her, picking up the stray stems of the crimson roses and hand them to her, their cold fingers brushing against each other. She shrugged and collected the flowers from Callum’s grasp. “Dunno, thought you dropped this,” she said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a leaflet which contained army training requirements. Callum took it from her and put it in his own pocket, smiling in gratitude.

“What’s your name?” He asked, now beginning to feel awkward and fidget on the spot, his feet twisting beneath him in a strange manner. 

The girl rubbed the back of her neck nervously and looked down at the snow. “I don’t really like my name,” she mumbled, tilting her head to meet Callum’s gaze, his eyes filled with curiosity and wonder. Her eyes were the most intense shade of green Callum had ever seen. It was like he’d become hypnotised, being induced into a city of emerald. 

He took a step forward and took a flower from the bunch the girl was holding and tucked it behind her ear gently. “Well,” he paused, examining the girls face, “I guess I’ll call you Rose then.” 

From that moment on, the pair were inseparable. They spent each day in one another’s company, Rose following him around wherever he went, practically moving into his house and falling hopelessly in love with the boy and his beanie. 

But Callum had to go. The army needed him and he felt as though he needed them. “I love you,” Rose had whispered, kissing his cheek before he left. He smiled in adoration at the girl in front of him and said, “I’ll miss you.” He hoped everyday that when he got back she’d be there, a singular rose planted in her hair. 

Except she wasn’t, and Callum never came back. 

Rose discovered she was pregnant after Callum left and waited anxiously for his return. She fell ill a few times and eventually when she did give birth to Rowan, she never got the chance to meet him. He was taken into care after his mother’s death, assuming no one wanted him. Stuart moved away at the same time that Callum joined the army, refusing to stay with their dad any longer. Neither of them learnt of her passing because Callum never returned. He’d moved on, and he’d found Chris. He regretted never telling Rose that he loved her too for a while, but he realised it wasn’t love. He was different. He couldn’t love her the way that she needed, so he never came back. Callum figured it was best to let her move on too. 

***

Rowan walked up to Ben and tapped him on the shoulder, his intense glaring at Cecelia being interrupted. “She told me my dad died at war,” Rowan explained, pointing at Cece. “Showed up at the children’s home when I was like seven and said she was my nan. I’ve lived with her all this time.” 

Callum felt himself boil over with rage as he stood up from his place on the swing and clenched his fists tightly. He charged over to his mom, Ben putting his hand on Callum’s chest to hold him back. 

Callum spat out angrily, “You told him I was dead!” His face was red with fury, Cecelia rolling her eyes whilst standing up to her feet. 

“I told you he was here, didn’t I?” She said, gesturing towards the young boy who didn’t know where to look. 

Ben moved so that Callum was stood behind him and raised his eyebrows. “No you didn’t!” Callum yelled in frustration, now turning and pacing in a line, holding his head in his hands. Ben shook his head, Cecelia grinning widely at him, mischief gleaming in her eyes. 

Ben approached Callum, stopping him in his tracks and tilting his chin. “Look at me,” Ben ordered, raising Callum’s head gently, his cheeks soaked with tears. “Go to the house where Shirley and Lexi are and cool off, yeah?” 

Callum nodded his head and stole a glance at Rowan, who was scratching his brown hair poking out from underneath his beanie. “It’s yours,” the boy stated, when he noticed Callum eyeing him curiously. He took off the hat and held it in his hands, brushing the soft fabric against his fingers. “Nan gave it to me, says it’s all she had left of yours,” he explained, holding it up for Callum to see. He walked over to the couple and stood on his tip toes, Callum bending down with his head for Rowan to reach. He clumsily put the hat on Callum’s head, tucking the material behind his ears. 

Callum ruffled Rowan’s hair, messing it up as he smiled adoringly. “I’m here now,” Callum whispered, his throat tightening into a knot, choking on his words. 

Rowan’s eyes lit up, a new surge of energy rushing through him as he leapt into Callum’s body, wrapping his arms and his torso and clinging tightly to him. Ben felt smitten watching the pair clutch onto each other. They headed off in the direction of the Mitchell house together, leaving Cecelia and Ben alone. 

Ben made sure they were out of sight before he angrily burst out at her. “I don’t know what kind of sick mind games you’re playing but I suggest you pack your shit and get out of Walford!” Ben bellowed accusingly, glaring his eyes at Cecelia. 

The woman laughed and turned to walk away, pausing in her step. “I’m going, falling star, I promise. Got a few more people to see first, but,” she continued, “Tell Rowan that I love him and all that crap.” 

Ben narrowed his eyes and approached Cecelia for the final time. “You don’t know what love is,” Ben told her, anger lacing his voice. 

Cecelia took out her lighter from her pocket and held it out for Ben to take. “What, and you do?” She chuckled, her voice husky and low. “I’ve told Callum all my secrets, Ben. When are you gonna tell him yours?” 

There was a minor pause, the two of them staring at each other in a stand off. Ben took the lighter from her hand and suddenly threw it across the playground, into the far corner. Cecelia watched as it flew from his grip and turned back to face him. 

She winked at Ben and smiled, “Guess I’ll see you round, falling star.” Cecelia turned and walked away, a single star beginning to shine in the sky as she disappeared into the night. 

***

“Your hats silly,” Lexi giggled, pointing at the beanie on Rowan’s head. 

Lexi and Rowan sat at the kitchen table in the Mitchell house colouring in a picture of a giraffe that Lexi had found, a shade of blue scribbled in marks across its body. Callum had walked in, instantly telling Shirley what had happened, as Rowan settled at the table, stealing one of Lexi’s crayons, talking to the younger girl about different animals. 

Ben slammed the back door as he entered, the blinds shuddering when he walked through. All four of them turned to face him, Lexi signing ‘hello’ to him. Ben waved at his daughter and walked over to her, kissing her forehead and brushing her soft blonde hair away from her eyes. His eyes flickered between Rowan and Callum. 

Shirley raised her eyebrows as Ben looked at her leaning up against the counter. “Well,” Shirley started, “The fuck do we do now?” 

Callum nudged her for swearing, his eyes widening. Rowan burst out laughing at the remark and asked Ben where his nan was, signing the question. 

Ben cleared his throat and licked him lips which were dry and chapped from the wind outside. “She’s not coming back,” Ben stated simply and looked at Callum, gesturing for him to talk to his son. 

Callum took a seat next to Rowan at the table and smiled at him. “Can I stay with you?” Rowan asked, but nobody answered as an unexpected face casually walked through the back door of the Mitchell house. 

Ben’s eyes widened, “Jay?”


	17. Congratulations and fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the party

Ben’s eyes widened, “Jay?” He watched as the bruise-faced man entered through the back door of the kitchen, cuts lacing his face like scarlet rivers. His face was pale and he appeared to be shaking and wet. His once lowered head turned upwards, his eyes connecting with Ben’s. He scanned Jay’s face carefully noticing the mans pupils were dilated and his mouth formed into a frown. 

Ben slowly approached him, everyone else looking on in shock and wonder. “Where have you been?” Ben asked slowly, remaining calm. 

Callum stood up from his position and placed his hands on the back of Rowan’s chair protectively. Shirley moved to stand behind Lexi and stroked through her hair, awaiting Jay’s response. The two children shared a look, both aware of the high tension in the room, unsure of what to do. 

Moments passed before anybody moved, Ben and Jay staring into each other’s eyes whilst they waited for the other person to speak. Suddenly, Phil burst through the kitchen door, bottle of whiskey glued firmly to his hands. 

He cackled and stumbled over to Jay, pushing Ben out of the way as him and Callum exchanged a look. “There he is!” Phil exclaimed in an enthusiastic tone, “My ginger nut! You look rough, fancy a drink, eh?” He leant back, letting go of Jay and briefly offered him the bottle before taking a giant gulp from it for himself. 

He turned to face Ben whose teeth were gritted together and fists clenched tightly, attempting to be patient. He looked his dad in the eyes, Callum watching on in disgust at an intoxicated Phil. 

“Lighten up a bit will ya?” Phil teased, tapping Ben’s face lightly with the palm of his hand. Ben physically cringed at the contact but refused to make a scene for Lexi’s sake. Phil huffed out a laugh, “Show Jay his kid, where is it?” 

Jay was still zoned out but this question caught his attention, his eyes flickering over everyone in the room before landing on Rowan. Phil glanced between Jay and Ben, his eyes also landing on Rowan. Callum stood up taller on his feet, and cleared his throat, ready to speak, but his son got there first. 

“What?” Rowan beamed, “I’m not your kid, am I, you planks.” 

Shirley chuckled at the boys smart remark, which caused Callum to shift on his feet. He looked at Ben who shrugged at him, an idea forming in his head. They couldn’t tell Jay about Katherine just yet, because they hadn’t even had a chance to talk since Ben suggested that Lola’s mom take her away. 

“Right,” Ben clapped his hands together, scanning the faces in the room. “We’ve got a birthday party to attend, come on then,” Ben gestured towards the back door and fled the kitchen, everyone hesitantly following him. 

That’s one way of changing the subject, Callum thought to himself. He just hoped that Ben had changed his mind about baby Katherine now that Jay was back on the scene and wanted to keep her around. Although Jay didn’t seem himself, not having spoken yet and was still oddly wet and out of it. Taking Phil to the pub probably wasn’t the best idea either, and he didn’t even know where to begin with Rowan. If Cecelia wasn’t coming back then he’d have to take care of Rowan, leaving him and Ben with three kids and too many unresolved issues of their own. 

They arrived at the pub, Lexi and Rowan on either side of Callum following him. Lexi was holding his hand and made another comment about Rowan’s hat being silly which the younger boy didn’t seem to mind. 

“Bruv,” Stuart made his way over to Callum and slapped him on the back, “What took you so long?” He smiled at Lexi and noticed Rowan standing next to Callum, examining the decorations in the pub. 

Ben had headed off in the direction of the bar attempting to speak to Jay who wasn’t paying much attention. Shirley made a passing comment to him that taking Phil to a pub wasn’t exactly a bright idea even for an idiot like Ben. He reminded her that his dad still managed to find whiskey in his own house and that she wasn’t doing the best job at looking out for a drunken Phil either. 

Rowan tapped Callum’s arm and asked, “Is it your birthday?” Callum nodded in response as it dawned on him that everyone at this party was here to celebrate him and Ben. It was certainly a birthday he’d never forget. 

Rainie crept up behind Stuart making him jump and reached over to Callum to embrace him. “Happy birthday mate,” she exclaimed, “Sorry I had to nip to the loo.” Rainie paused, glancing between Lexi, Callum and Stuart. “Who’s this then?” Rainie pointed at Rowan who seemed to have a permanent grin plastered on his face. 

Before Callum got the chance to explain, an unpleasant sound came from the microphone. “Oops,” a female voice rang out, echoing throughout the pub. Callum turned, already recognising the voice and cursing under his breath. 

Ben noticed everyone’s head turn simultaneously and wondered if someone was making a speech, unable to hear the sound of the microphone whirring. That’s when he saw her. 

Fucking Cecelia. 

“Alright pissheads,” she announced through the mic, tapping it a few times to check if it was working. She didn’t seem drunk, just her smug self, Ben thought, rolling his eyes. He looked over at Callum who had sat the kids down in a booth with Stuart and Rainie. He made his way over to Ben and put his arms on his shoulders comfortingly. Callum signed a swear at Ben that they often used with each other, causing him to chuckle as he took a sip of his drink, watching on at Cecelia. 

She tapped the mic once more before continuing. “As you may know today is my beautiful son’s birthday,” she gestured towards where Callum was stood who awkwardly waved at everyone collectively. “Everyone wave at Callum, look he’s waving at you. What a gentleman!” Cecelia smirked, making huge waving gestures with her hands, causing some punters to laugh. Stuart, Shirley and Ben were evidently unamused by the events unfolding before them, and Callum was embarrassed.

“Before I get round to talking about Callum, why don’t I just go around the room and see who I can find,” she paused for a second, stalling, before she locked eyes with someone. “Ah, Shirley!” Cecelia winked at her and pointed. “How could I miss you, eh? The only person in the world who manages to look like a hairy biker without the hair!” 

Shirley put up her middle finger and took a long sip of her drink. “At least I know how to ride a bike and people don’t just use me as one,” Shirley remarked, causing Phil to wheeze and choke on his bottle of whiskey. Callum grimaced, knowing that as soon as this started it wouldn’t stop. Rowan clapped and cheered mockingly from the booth, enjoying the drama kick off, and making Lexi giggle. 

“Never did get as much action as me did you Shirl?” Cecelia teased, biting down on her bottom lip, her nose scrunching up. “Probably something to do with that stale face of yours and your hair looking like it was dipped in a deep fat fryer.” 

Rowan whistled and laughed, catching Callum’s attention who shook his head in disapproval, trying to hold in a smile. Ben wasn’t quite sure what insults were being exchanged as Shirley had her back towards Ben, sitting a few bar stools in front of him. He continued to lean into Callum’s touch and drink, ignoring the cat fight. 

“I was more concerned about my kids than my face whereas you only had one kid and you couldn’t even look after him!” Shirley yelled, standing up from her seat and spitting in Cecelia’s face. She wiped her cheek where it had landed and slapped Shirley across the face with the palm of her hand. Phil laughed and said he’d put his bets on Shirley winning. 

Shirley grabbed Cece by her hair and started to drag her in the direction of the bar, smooshing her face against the wooden surface once they got there, pinning her down. Cece let out a series of grunts as punters around them gasped and laughed at the absurdity of the fight. Shirley felt a foot connect with her leg sharply and stumbled backwards realising Cece had kicked her away. 

Callum let go of Ben’s shoulders which he was rubbing and quickly made his way over to the two women, standing in between them to separate them. Shirley attempted to reach around and tackle Cecelia but Callum held her back, telling her to sit back down. 

“I don’t want to,” Shirley yelled at him, Cece standing by a booth on the opposite side of the pub to her, having escaped her grasp. 

“Sit,” Callum demanded, to which Shirley complied. He went up to the stage that had been created and picked up the microphone by the lead from where it had been flung to the floor. He felt confident having already drunk a fair bit earlier in the day when he was sat on the swings. 

“I’d like to say a few words,” he stammered, his eyes brimming with tears either from stress or sadness, or both. He wasn’t sure as everything was starting to blur around him. He glanced at Jay who was staring at him intently, his face expressionless. 

“First of all,” Callum smiled weakly, “Thank you all for coming out tonight to celebrate me and my gorgeous fiancé who is sat right over there.” Callum gestured towards Ben and waved at him. Ben waved back, unsure of what Callum was saying until he began to sign his next words. “He is my rock. We’re actually taking care of a baby right now which actually belongs to Jay who I’m pretty certain is on drugs.” 

Ben’s eyes widened at Callum’s newfound drunk confidence and got up from his seat, making his way over to the front of the stage. He shook his head and waved his arms as if to signal for Callum to stop. Rowan snorted and stood up from the booth, going to stand next to Ben for a better view of the chaos. 

He peered at the ginger haired man sat on a bar stool, his eyebrows raised. Rowan tapped Ben’s arm and held up his own finger and pretended to sniff something from it. “Definitely cocaine,” Rowan enunciated so that Ben understood what he was saying. Jay glanced at Ben momentarily before focusing back on his drink, hands shaking, not saying a word. Ben accepted the fact that Rowan was probably right but his thoughts were interjected by Callum moving onto his next victim.

“I’d like to say,” Callum pointed at Cecelia who lifted her head up to face him. “Actually no,” Callum paused. “I would love to say: thank you mom for showing up today despite not showing up for the past thirty years of my life.” He slowly clapped at her and wiped his nose with his hand where it was beginning to run. His eyes were red, a few tears escaping them now. “You not only killed Chris who I just so happened to love, but you single-handedly raised my son who I didn’t even know existed and told him I was DEAD!” Callum yelled, the microphone screeching as he scraped it against the stand it was attached to. 

The entire pub sat in shock, particularly Stuart and Rainie who didn’t know what was going on at this point. They’d finally got the answer to their question about who Rowan was, but they didn’t expect that outburst. Shirley was trying to get the drink out of Phil’s hands who was utterly amused by the entire situation, laughing to himself. 

Cecelia shrugged and scratched her head, “It’s not my fault you didn’t know.” 

Callum felt anger rise throughout his body, his knuckles turning white as he gripped onto the microphone. He detached it from the stand and stepped closer to the edge of the stage, feet dangerously close to the floor’s end. 

“It is ALL your fault. You never gave a shit about me. You found my kid, you raised him. Something tells me you knew where I was considering how easy you found me. So why the fuck didn’t you come back, eh?” Callum yelled, as Ben made his way onto the stage, grabbing Callum by the shoulders lightly and guiding him backwards so that he was further away from the edge. 

Rowan glanced between his dad and Cecelia and nodded his head. “It’s true,” Rowan said, locking eyes with Cece. “You knew exactly where he was, didn’t you?” 

An expression of guilt flashed over her face which was quickly replaced by a defensive look. “Well I couldn’t just randomly come back. Callum was the one who left you,” she huffed in a snarky tone, rolling her eyes. 

“You left me!” Callum cried, “You left and that’s on you and your fucked up life. Not me.” The room fell silent, Ben rubbing Callum’s arm up and down, the ringing in his ears subsiding as the noise lowered. Rowan and Ben shared a look and nodded at each other. 

“Let’s wrap it up,” Rowan suggested, biting his bottom lip. Callum complied and nodded towards his son who gave him a small comforting smile. He glanced behind his shoulder at Ben who gave him a similar look and turned once again to face Cece. 

Callum smiled at his mom and nodded, “You were never my mom. You weren’t some poxy star in the sky watching over me, and you’re certainly not my family. I have one of those now, and I know that whoever you are,” he paused and glanced at Rowan briefly before turning back to face his mom. “You’re someone who I don’t need you anymore, and I’m not sure I ever did. Thing is, you’re not Ben, you’re not Rowan or Lexi. You’re Cecelia Highway!” He laughed to himself, tears running down his cheeks. He gripped the mic tightly and whispered into it scornfully, “You mess up everything and everyone because you can, because you want to. So, congratulations and fuck you.”

He dropped the microphone onto the ground causing it to screech again. Cecelia looked almost hurt, Ben thought. For a woman as selfish as she was, she actually looked as though something that Callum had said had pained her. 

The couple stepped off of the stage, Ben holding Callum up steadying him with Rowan in tow as they made their way over to Lexi sat in the booth. There were a series of gasps as Jay collapsed off of the barstool and onto the cold floor of the pub, as he began to have a violent seizure.

***

They’d abruptly called an ambulance, suspecting Jay had suffered a drug overdose and evacuated the pub, the celebration of their birthdays short lived. Ben and Callum were huddled on a bench with Rowan and Lexi, feeling slight shivers travel down their spines from the night air. 

Rowan asked, “Want me to get you a present for your birthday?” 

Callum smiled down at the boy who was hugging him. He hadn’t let go since they’d sat down, fearing everything would suddenly vanish if he wasn’t holding on tight enough. “I think I’ve already got everything I need,” Callum whispered. He looked over at Ben and then at Lexi who had wedged herself in between them. Ben felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched, turning to see Lola’s mom who came to stand in front of them. 

“Here,” Leanne stated, carefully handing Katherine over to Ben for him to take in his arms. Callum shuffled closer to Ben and pulled the blanket up to cover more of Katherine’s head to keep her warm. “Keep the baby,” she said, letting go with her hands. 

“I don’t think we can give her what she needs right now,” Ben spoke solemnly as he read her lips. Callum sighed, but he knew now more than ever that parenting wasn’t the easiest job in the world and whatever decision Ben made, he would have to learn to accept it. 

“You need her more than she needs you, believe me. Besides, this is what Lola would’ve wanted. I don’t admit to much but I’ll admit I was always a shitty mom. Just don’t fuck it up, yeah?” She nodded and took a cigarette out of her pocket to smoke. “Oh and just for the record, I hate you, and you,” she pointed at Ben and then at Callum, grinning. 

Callum shook his head and raised his eyebrows, “Why? What did we-“

Leanne interjected, “It’s probably a good thing. You’re nice and you actually care about other people. Makes me sick, it really does.” 

She smiled at them sincerely and Callum couldn’t tell whether her comment was serious or not. Part of him thought there was probably truth behind those words as she walked off into the distance and beyond the train line, never coming back. 

“Still wanna stay?” Callum asked Rowan. The young boy lent further into him on the bench, resting his head on Callum’s chest as he looked up at him.

He nodded his head and smiled. “Yeah,” Rowan replied simply, cuddling up to Callum, his arms wrapped tightly around his dads torso. “As long as I’m invited to your wedding,” he grinned, poking Ben in the arm who looked confused. 

Rowan released one of his arms from Callum’s waist and reached down, gently picking up Callum’s left hand and gesturing it towards Ben. He pointed at the engagement ring that was gleaming under the moonlight. 

“Can I come?” Rowan spoke clearly, raising his eyebrows and smiling widely at Ben. 

Ben rolled his eyes and stood up from his seat, holding Lexi’s hand in one of his, and baby Katherine in the other. “I guess you’ll have to, trouble,” Ben grumbled, signalling to Callum that it was time to go home. 

“Trouble?” Rowan gasped, “Excuse me!”

But Ben was already walking off, Callum and Rowan following him, Rowan trying to argue with him. As they walked across the square, Callum noticed Shirley outside of the pub talking to what appeared to be a teenage boy of a similar age to Rowan. They looked like they were screaming at each other over something, but they were just out of hearing distance from Callum. 

His family were already half way across the square, leaving him behind to gawk and stare. He felt a hand land on his shoulder and turned around only to be greeted by an intoxicated Phil. “Now that,” Phil pointed in the direction of Shirley and the teenage boy. “That is your real problem. He’s a right fire starter if you know what I mean,” Phil cackled, his fingers slipping as he smashed his bottle of whiskey to the floor. He let go of Callum, forgetting about his drink and headed in the direction of his house. 

Callum didn’t think much of it, figuring Phil was incredibly drunk and Shirley was probably having a pointless row with a passerby about why they’d knocked into her. So, he carried on walking home unaware of the significance of what Phil had told him and waited for the glass shards that had settled on the pavement to be swept up and taken away.


	18. I don’t wanna hurt anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ graphic scenes

The rest of spring went by incredibly quickly. Jay had been discharged from the hospital after a suspected cocaine overdose. After Lola had died his only coping mechanism was drugs and Luke had been creepily watching him everyday in the hostel he was staying in. Jay kept telling him to stay away until one day he stopped showing up. However, this wasn’t due to Jay’s requests. It was because Stuart had killed him and buried him in the woods, but Jay didn’t know this. 

He’d moved in with Shirley and Phil along with baby Katherine, three kids proving to be a handful for just the two of them. Ben and Callum went to visit her every other day, struggling to stay away. Jay was hardly talking to anyone it was like someone had pressed pause on him and broken the remote straight afterwards. Ben tried to connect with him again but it was growing increasingly difficult as the days went by. It was like Jay was a completely different person, hiding away from something, or someone. Phil was apparently on the road to sobriety again but Ben refused to speak to him until he sorted himself out. 

Rowan had moved into Callum and Ben’s flat and insisted on making the living room into his bedroom because sleeping on the sofa was what he was used to. Lexi even offered up her bedroom but Rowan refused to sleep anywhere else. The sofa was his safe space and apparently more comfortable than a mattress to him. Lexi kept her bedroom in what used to be the spare room, and Ben and Callum still occupied the main bedroom. 

On one occasion all four of them ended up in the same bed falling asleep to a new Disney film that Lexi insisted they watch together after claiming that you can never outgrow Disney. 

“Bubbles is back!” Lexi squealed halfway through the film, causing Rowan to suddenly jolt awake. The little girl pointed to the window where a shivering cat was balanced on the ledge and continuously poked Ben to get his attention. 

He stood up from his position on the bed and peered over to where Callum was sat on the other side of the bed, Rowan lazily strewn across his dad. Ever since he’d moved in with them he’d hardly left Callum alone. For the first time in his life he had a dad, someone to look up to and he never wanted him to leave. After the initial shock that Callum had a son, Rowan had warmed up to Ben and they both teamed up regularly to tease Callum whenever he did something dopey. 

Lexi trampled over the bed towards the window to open it, letting in a breeze and rain droplets as she did so. Ben made his way over to the window and shut it behind Bubbles, picking up the cat and lowering it to the ground, Bubbles putting up a fight and clawing at Ben. The wet cat swiftly crawled across the floor towards the bathroom. Lexi chased after it, Ben yelling after her and telling her to be careful, not wanting her to fall on the newly wet floor. 

“Great,” Ben huffed, examining the blood staining his shirt from where Bubbles claws had pierced his shirt and scratched at him. 

Rowan whistled irritatingly and stood up from the bed, following Lexi in the direction of the bathroom to catch the cat. “Ouch,” Rowan commented, pointing at Ben before leaving the room. 

Ben groaned, his fingers smudging the blood further into his shirt. He felt a hand brush over the hair on the back of his head. “Come on,” Callum ushered, fingers swiping across the edge of Ben’s shirt. “Change and I’ll clean it up,” he ordered, addressing the outlines of scratches across Ben’s stomach, gently lifting up the younger man’s shirt. Ben promptly tapped Callum’s hand away and pulled his shirt back down, feeling insecure. 

“It’s fine,” Ben breathed, lowering his head and fidgeting on the spot, picking the skin off of his fingers anxiously where faint burnt scars scattered his hands. 

Callum was about to say something when he heard a loud crash and a high-pitched voice scream out. He gestured towards Ben and then the door, signalling for Ben to follow him into the bathroom. 

Callum rushed into the room only to find that the entire shelf that had hung over the bath had fallen into the tub below, bottles of shampoo and gel littering the floor. Ben followed shortly after Callum, pushing the door ajar and snickering when he saw Lexi and Rowan looking like two deers caught in the headlights. 

“I was trying to catch the cat,” Rowan stuttered, Bubbles lying in the tub amongst the bottles. Lexi was stood the opposite side of the bathroom holding a long piece of metal that appeared to be a part of the shelf. She ran over to Ben and pouted, handing over the piece of metal to him. 

Ben ruffled a hand through her long hair, messing it up. He took the metal stick from her and let out a short laugh, “Thank you, Princess.” 

Ben noticed Callum was raising his eyebrows at him, a look of frustration written across his face. “Ben,” Callum tutted at the younger man’s laughter, clearly expecting Ben to be more strict. He turned to face Rowan who had soap splattered down him and folded his arms across his chest. 

Rowan fidgeted under Callum’s glare and shrugged, “Oops.” Callum shook his head and proceeded to pick up the cat from the tub with ease, shooing it out of the room quickly. 

Lexi was now hiding behind Ben’s legs, trying to avoid Callum’s wrath. Ben was stroking his hand through Lexi’s hair, a smirk plastered across his face. Ben met Rowan’s eyes with his own and began to sing softly, “You’re in trouble, trouble.” 

Lexi giggled at the mention of the nickname and Rowan stuck his tongue out at Ben before smiling shyly up at Callum. “Sorry,” Rowan whispered, causing Callum to unfold his arms and put them forward, pulling the younger boy into a hug. 

Ben smiled and tapped Lexi’s head lightly to get her attention. “Go and feed little Bubbles, yeah?” Ben suggested, Lexi nodding up at him. “There’s some cat food in the lower cupboard,” he whispered, glancing over at Callum who was still hugging Rowan, swaying side to side but clearly listening to the pair. “I’ll be there in a minute,” Ben assured Lexi who skipped off happily into the kitchen. “And you, trouble,” Ben smirked and clicked his fingers, getting Rowan’s attention. He lifted his head from where it was resting on Callum’s stomach and nodded his head, following Lexi into the other room. 

Ben went to follow them but Callum reached for his arm and gently spun him around to face him. He caressed the edge of Ben’s shirt again and held Ben’s face with his other hand. Ben tried to avert his gaze as Callum slowly lifted up his shirt. He noticed the younger man’s nervousness and stopped, lowering his head to meet Ben’s eyes. His bright blue eyes were misty and brimmed with tears. Ben sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, Callum’s hand falling from Ben’s shirt and running up and down his arm soothingly. 

“Hey,” Callum shushed him, wiping Ben’s cheek gently with the pad of his thumb. “It’s only a few scratches, don’t worry,” he spoke quietly but clearly so that Ben could understand him. 

Ben shook his head and sighed, “It’s not though, is it?” 

The man who was smiling moments ago in front of his daughter was now a solemn shell of himself. Callum reached behind Ben and carefully shut the bathroom door properly, not wanting to alarm Lexi or Rowan. Ben looked between the closed door and Callum, tears freely escaping his eyes as he let go and leant forward, latching onto Callum’s shirt as he sobbed. 

Callum ran his hand down the back of Ben’s head, fingers tangling in his hair as he kissed Ben’s forehead and comforted him whilst he cried. Ben felt Callum’s hand rub his back in a circular motion and back up to his hair. He coughed and leant back after a few minutes looking up into Callum’s eyes. His eyes were sore and puffy, his bottom lip quivering. Callum’s mouth turned into a frown, both of his eyes examining Ben’s face, his hands resting on either side as he took in the view of his tear stained skin. 

Ben’s fingers wandered upwards to Callum’s arms as he pulled on the older man’s hands, removing them from either side of his face. He looked down at his blood stained shirt and sighed, raising it up slowly. He lifted it over his head and placed it over the sink, looking down at the skin on his chest leading down to his abdomen. His fingers traced over the marks left by the fire, hating the rough feeling against the soft pads of his fingers.

“Why does it hurt so much,” Ben sobbed, holding his head in his hands as he let out another burst of sadness. Callum gripped onto Ben’s hands, lowering them, and holding them in place, forcing Ben to look up at him and speak. “I just,” Ben paused, eyes flickering between both of Callum’s whose contained a pitiful glint in them. “I don’t wanna hurt anymore,” the younger man whispered. He collapsed once again into Callum’s arms until he calmed down, the older man rubbing tiny circles into Ben’s bare skin. 

Callum had grabbed wipes from the first aid kit they kept in the bathroom and looked at Ben whose expression seemed to be one of somber and distress. Callum traced his fingers on the skin of Ben’s bare chest and lowered his head, planting a soft kiss to the exposed skin there. He leant backwards, Ben noticing he was hovering over one of his scars and smiled. 

Callum placed his finger under Ben’s chin and tilted his head up. He waited until Ben was paying attention before saying, “I love you.” Ben tried to shake his head but Callum kept his head in place. “All of you, even if you don’t,” Callum spoke softly, emphasising each word as they fell from his mouth. 

They stood in silence for a few moments as Callum carefully swiped over the scratches left by the cat’s claws, Ben occasionally wincing at the contact to the small cuts. Once Callum had finished cleaning up the wounds, he pressed a warm kiss to Ben’s cheek, passing his shirt back to him. Ben tugged at the fabric, pulling it back over his head.

“Thank you,” Ben whispered, looking at Callum adoringly. 

Callum put the kit inside the cabinet and turned to face Ben. “Well it is my job,” he winked at Ben, referring to his expertise in bandaging up people. 

Ben reached for Callum’s hand and squeezed it tightly before letting go. “I wasn’t talking about that.” 

***

Before they knew it, the heat began to overpower the air again and it was summer. Ben hated the sun more than the snow if that was even possible. 

“Fucking sun,” Ben had yelled out of the upstairs window one morning much to Stuart’s amusement who was walking down the streets below with Callum who tutted at him. 

Callum waved at him to get his attention and shook his head disapprovingly once Ben was looking at him. Ben put his middle finger up at Callum and slammed the window shut. 

“Charming,” Stuart commented, walking off in the direction of the cafe leaving Callum outside of his flat.

“You’re shit!” Rowan swore as Callum entered the flat. He wandered up the stairs wondering what his son was yelling about. 

“Language,” Callum warned, turning the corner of the flat into the living room. 

Ben, Rowan and Lexi were dancing in the living room, a faint spice girls track playing in the background. Rowan was spinning around on the spot and laughing at Ben, telling him he needed dance lessons. Ben picked up Lexi and spun her around in his arms, placing her back down when he spotted Callum in the doorway. Rowan stopped spinning and stumbled, tripping forward into Ben’s legs. 

“Woah, clumsy,” Ben chuckled, saving Rowan from falling flat on his face. He helped him back up to balance on his feet, and looked over at Callum. “He’s definitely your son, Cal,” Ben smiled, but Callum wasn’t looking at him. 

He was staring at the seemingly empty stool next to the kitchen counter, eyes widening, mouth agape. 

“What’s wrong, Cal?” Lexi asked, noticing his expression. 

Ben told Lexi and Rowan to put the track on in Lexi’s bedroom and practice their dance moves in there. Lexi nodded and went to her room with Ben’s phone, the music playing from there. Rowan was reluctant and hung back for a moment, approaching his dad slowly. He stood in front of him and touched his arm gently causing Callum to flinch and look down. 

“Hi,” Rowan said, wide grin on his face but Callum seemed out of it. The teenager looked between Callum and the stool, and then turned to Ben and signed ‘drugs’ to him. Ben rolled his eyes and shooed Rowan away to the bedroom. 

“Cal?” Ben whispered softly, caressing Callum’s cheek. His eyes didn’t waver, glued to the stool next to the counter. “Is it Chris?” Ben asked, noticing the familiar expression written across his fiancé’s face. 

Callum didn’t say a word, he just shook his head and gulped, because it wasn’t Chris this time. 

It was Lola. 

She was sat on the stool, ash falling from the insides of her eyes until they were nothing but two black hollow holes inside of her face. She was aggressively choking and each time she coughed, ashes flew out of her mouth and onto her skin piercing it. She wore few clothes, her flesh already starting to melt off of her body like sticky syrup. 

Callum knew he couldn’t fix the guilt he felt inside of him. It was part of him and it would never truly leave him, but this was terrifying. He watched on in tears as her entire body dissolved into ashes, the hallucination subsiding from his vision, revealing an empty stool next to the kitchen counter. 

“Cal?” Ben brushed his fingers over Callum’s cheek, desperately trying to get him to resurface. Callum’s watery eyes wandered, finally landing on Ben’s. “I’m fine,” Callum choked out. 

“You need to teach your boyfriend how to dance,” Rowan’s voice came out of nowhere. 

Callum’s head turned swiftly in the direction of it, causing Ben to look too. The teenager was cradling the cat in his arms. Lexi sneaked up behind him and tried to scare him, but neither he nor the cat shifted. 

“I’ve never had a pet before,” Rowan commented, stroking the cats fur beneath his fingers. Bubbles purred at the contact. All animals seemed to be drawn to Rowan like he had a strange allure about him. It was yet another thing they’d learnt since the boys arrival. Callum thought back to one of the first nights Rowan had spent at the flat. 

“We’ve got squash or do you want some tea or coffee?” Callum had asked from the kitchen. 

“I only like hot chocolate,” Rowan yelled back, playing a strange card game with Ben who looked baffled. 

“Me too,” Callum’s mouth formed into a small smile. He walked over to them and placed the mugs down onto the table, taking a seat next to Ben. He continued, “I only drink coffee to keep me awake.” 

Ben raised his eyebrows at Callum and showed him his cards. “You’ve lost,” Callum grinned, poking Ben in the ribs and teasing him. 

“Oi!” Ben prodded Callum back, shifting in his seat from where he was sat cross legged on the sofa opposite Rowan. “Piss off you know I’m ticklish,” Ben pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. Callum briefly kissed him, swiping Ben’s cards from his hands and placing them down on the table. 

Rowan wasn’t paying any attention to their flirting, picking up another game from the nearby shelf. 

“Here,” Rowan stated, placing a box down on the table. He’d made the couple buy a lot of board games since he’d moved in, insisting that their flat was too boring and that they needed to liven it up more for his energetic self. 

‘Question time’ the box read in an awful, excessive green font. “We ask each other questions to get to know each other,” Rowan grinned, purposefully pushing the game towards Ben who groaned. “I know how much you love talking about yourself, Ben,” Rowan added jokingly. 

So they spent the rest of that night asking each other stupid questions, much to Ben’s displeasure. 

“Come on,” Rowan said, snapping Callum back into the present day. “I know it’s warm but your wedding’s only a few months away and I’m not watching your embarrassing dad dancing at the reception.”

Ben whispered to Callum that they’d talk about it later, which they did, turning their attention back to Rowan who was attempting and failing to dance with Bubbles. 

***

Ben was glad when September rolled around, as much as he loved those kids, he was ready for a break after that long summer. They’d enrolled Rowan into Walford Secondary which was the same school Lexi was attending despite the pair being in two different year groups. He settled in quickly making friends with sporty kids who were just as lively and energetic as he was. 

In the middle of October he’d came home early claiming that he’d been suspended. Callum was furious at first, having been called to collect him on his day off. Ben was at work, still attempting to run The Albert despite not knowing how to run a bar properly. His businesses were doing surprisingly well with the help of Shirley who constantly wanted to get out of the house and away from an almost sober Phil who was apparently being too nice to her. 

“He’s fucking unbearable,” she’d told Ben. “Awh Shirley, can I make you some toast?” She asked, mirroring Phil’s deep tone of voice, “He can fuck right off.” 

Callum had rung Ben to come home so that they could speak to Rowan together. So here he was. 

Their wedding was next week and this was the last thing they needed. Callum had booked the venue for October 23rd when he was drunk, and they’d been planning everything over the summer with Lexi’s expert help of course. She’d pointed out decorations that reminded her of her mom, telling the couple that ‘this is what mom would’ve liked.’ Lexi’s grief was slowly starting to turn into happy memories of Lola which relieved Callum who was still struggling to cope with his own guilt. 

“Well,” Ben sat down on the sofa, placing his hand on Callum’s leg as he eyed Rowan who was sat in the armchair at an angle, facing them both. 

“Well, what?” Rowan smirked as he scratched his head, feigning innocence. 

Ben felt Callum’s leg tense up underneath his hand, a sign that he was beginning to get angry. 

“Well,” Ben interjected, mocking Rowan’s tone of voice before continuing, “Why did you get suspended?”

Callum gritted his teeth and ran his fingers over Ben’s hand to get his attention. “His teacher seems to think that Rowan got into a fight with another boy,” Callum explained, his eyes never leaving Rowan’s. 

Ben picked up on the gist of what Callum was telling him and turned to face the young boy who sighed. 

“Fine,” Rowan rolled his eyes, and lay back in the chair. He began to speak clearly, signing some of the words in Ben’s direction. “I was telling people how I was excited about your wedding and this scumbag started saying it was disgusting that I had two dads,” Rowan paused, as it sunk in what the teenager was saying. 

“So they were being homophobic?” Callum asked, Ben talking over him slightly unable to hear him, focusing solely on Rowan instead. “Did you punch him in the face then?” Ben asked, his question overlapping Callum’s.

Rowan nodded at both of them and stretched out his legs, standing up from his seat. “Bingo!” He said, going over to them and holding up his hand for a high five. Ben and Callum looked between each other, Callum rubbing his forehead with his hand. 

“Too soon?” Rowan said, lowering his hand back down to his side. 

“Well,” Ben started, “Whilst you’re at home I guess you’re just going to have to help with wedding planning duty.” 

Rowan groaned and shook his head. “I said I was excited for the wedding I really don’t want to-“ 

He was cut off by the buzzer of the flat, signalling someone was at the door. Rowan sat back in his chair huffing as Callum left the room to go and answer, signing to Ben that someone was here. Callum swung the door open and smiled when he realised who it was. 

“Did you miss me?”


	19. Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ implied sexual abuse, abuse, drugs

Callum swung the door open and smiled when he realised who it was.

“Did you miss me?” Mick’s voice echoed throughout the corridor leading up to the flat. He was followed in by Linda and Ollie, all making their way upstairs as Callum shut the door behind them. Their faces flashed with confusion as they came face to face with a grumpy Rowan. 

“All you gotta do is pick a colour,” Ben told him, flicking through what appeared to be a clothes magazine. “Gotta get you a nice suit to match Lexi’s dress.” 

Linda smiled and tapped Ben’s arm to get his attention, causing him to flinch involuntarily. “Still wedding planning, are we?” She asked, her friendly expression coming into Ben’s view as he realised who it was. 

Ben nodded and stood up from his seat to greet Mick and Ollie. Rowan scuffed his feet across the ground and made his way over to steal Ben’s seat, smirking at the older man as he did so. 

Mick and Linda examined the teenager and raised their eyebrows at Ben. “Well, he’s not mine,” Ben shrugged, grinning back at Rowan who stuck his tongue out at him playfully. He wasn’t, but he was beginning to feel like he was family regardless. 

Callum scratched his head as Mick eyed him. “He’s mine actually,” Callum spoke nervously, shuffling on his spot. “Rose-“

“Rose?” Linda echoed, seemingly shocked by Callum’s revelation, glancing between Mick and Callum. “She’s dead, ain’t she?” 

Rowan gulped and looked down at his feet, avoiding everyone’s looks of pity. “Oh sorry, darling,” Linda apologised, sitting down next to him, rubbing her hand over his knee. “You two were inseparable,” Mick scratched his head, looking back over at Rowan, “I don’t understand how or...” Mick drifted off, not sure what to say. 

Callum explained to him what had happened with his mom and that she was Stella’s sister. He had to explain to the couple who she was and her connection to Ben which was utterly confusing and ridiculous. Ben left to pick up Lexi from school halfway through and strolled back into the flat, the little girl behind him. 

“Hello,” Lexi said shyly, watching as everyone was crowded around in the living room. Rowan was cuddled up to Callum in the armchair like he was most days, not wanting to leave his dads side despite being a teenager. 

“Remember me?” Linda waved at her, summoning over the blonde girl who still looked nervous as she strode over to them. 

Ben went over to the armchair and ruffled Rowan’s hair creating a mess with it. “Hey!” Rowan argued, reaching up to his head, attempting to put his hair back into place. Ben gave him a cheeky smile and sat on the arm of the chair, Callum’s arm snaking around his waist, making room for him. 

“See,” Ben pointed at Lexi, looking at Rowan in the eye, “Lexi managed to stay in school today without getting sent home.” Rowan prodded Ben in the arm at the teasing which amused Callum. 

They stayed for another hour or so before heading off. Callum told Ollie that he’d gotten him a gift and presented him with a vintage clock that he’d found, much to Ollie’s delight. They were in Walford for the next week for Ben and Callum’s wedding, on their way over to visit Shirley who was their next stop. 

Ben grabbed his coat and pulled it over his shoulders. “I’ll pop over with ya,” Ben stated, grabbing his phone and keys from the side table. “I need to see Jay. I’m gonna try talking to him again,” Ben informed Callum, giving him a brief kiss on the cheek before leaving with Mick, Linda and Ollie. 

Shirley grinned from ear to ear when she saw Ollie, embracing him into a long hug. Ben joked that she shouldn’t smile too hard or her teeth might fall out because her body wasn’t used to it. This gained him a near slap around the back of the head as he went into the living room to find Phil and Jay arguing. 

Phil yelled, “Will you shut that thing up, eh?” He gestured towards baby Katherine who Jay was trying to send to sleep, cradling her in his arms. 

Phil noticed Ben enter and immediately left the room. It was like he was avoiding him for some reason and Ben couldn’t quite figure out why. He didn’t care too much because Phil was almost sober now and as long as it stayed that way, he was sure that his dad wouldn’t ruin the wedding. 

Ben walked over to Jay who seemed quiet and hesitant. He placed a hand on Katherine’s head, stroking a hand through her small locks of hair that had began to grow over the past few months. 

“Here,” Ben shushed her, cradling her head. Jay reluctantly handed her over to Ben and sighed when she stopped crying. “Listen,” Ben started, sitting down on the sofa. He urged Jay to sit down next to him, patting the seat with his spare hand as he swayed Katherine gently on his lap. 

“I don’t wanna listen to you,” Jay huffed. Ben squinted, trying and failing to read his brother’s lips as he mumbled his words. 

“Hmm?” Ben asked, his body stilling as Katherine drifted off to sleep. 

Jay stood in front of Ben and took the baby off of him, placing her down in a cot that had been set up in the living room. Shirley and her family were all catching up in the kitchen, a few laughs distantly stringing together in the air as they talked. 

Jay took a seat next to Ben on the sofa and rubbed his hands over his face briefly, looking distressed. “I can’t do this, Ben,” Jay spoke clearly this time so that Ben could read his lips. “What am I meant to do without Lola, eh?”

Ben’s face turned into a frown. He knew that this was hard on Jay, but he couldn’t help him if he wouldn’t open up to him. They’d barely spoken since the overdose incident in the pub. Callum reckoned it was because Jay blamed him for Lola’s death, the guilt overwhelming him at any given moment. Ben reassured him frequently that the fire wasn’t his fault, but Callum wouldn’t have it. 

“You’ve got me,” Ben replied, placing his hand on Jay’s knee. “We’re still brothers, ain’t we?”

Jay paused for a moment before nodding, placing his hand on top of Ben’s. He pulled him into a brief hug and smiled. “Am I still gonna be your best man then?” Jay teased, letting go of Ben’s hand, grateful that his brother hadn’t given up on him after all this time despite his silence. 

Ben smiled weakly and nodded, glad to have a glint of happiness back in his life. “You’ve always been my best man.” 

***

Whilst Callum made dinner, Ben had text him telling him he’d be back soon and that he’d smoothed things over with Jay. Lexi was arguing with Rowan over the tv remote in the living room. 

Rowan groaned, snatching the remote from Lexi’s hand. “We are not watching friends, you’ve seen it fifty times already,” he rolled his eyes, attempting to change the channel. 

Lexi, who had been watching friends over the summer with her dad, shook her head. “I haven’t seen this one, I swear!” she whined, trying to release the remote from Rowan’s grasp and failing as the tall boy held it up high out of his way. She folded her arms across her chest in defeat, looking over at Callum who’d warned them to stop fighting. 

Lexi sat for a few moments plotting before grabbing the nearest pillow and playfully hitting Rowan with it in the face. The boy gasped and let go of the remote from its high position in its arm. The object smashed to the ground, the batteries falling out on impact and scattering under the sofa. 

Callum began to dish up the food onto plates, watching the scene play out from behind the kitchen counter. “Great,” he said sarcastically, “Looks like we’re stuck with The Chase.” 

He approached the kids with two bowls in either hand and placed them down on the table, but Rowan stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, his eyes laced with tears. 

Lexi flinched at the loud noise and picked up her bowl from the table, starting to eat from it. “He started it,” she commented, causing Callum to raise his eyebrows. She was definitely Ben’s daughter and it showed. 

After time had passed and Lexi had finished her food, Callum made his way over to the bathroom, knocking on the door. “Ro, come on, it’s only Bradley Walsh he’s not that insufferable,” Callum chuckled, attempting to lighten the mood. He got no response from the other side of the door. Rowan was sat with his back up against the frame, tears brimming his eyes. 

Ben walked through the door moments later, greeting Lexi who was stood on a mini stool in the kitchen, washing up her plate. “Alright, Princess,” he smiled, running a hand through her hair. She looked up and handed Ben the wet plate who grabbed a towel and began to dry it. 

Lexi smiled back at him and spoke, “I told you, daddy.” 

Ben looked at her confused, putting the bowl back into the cupboard it came from and emptying the sink full of water. He glanced over at Callum who was still knocking on the bathroom door trying to summon Rowan. “Told me what?” Ben asked, turning his attention back towards his daughter. 

“That you’d find your smile again,” she grinned, pointing at Ben’s face as she stepped down from the stool. “You did,” she nodded at him, smile plastered across Ben’s face. 

Ben picked her up and span her around in a circle. “Well I’m happy, Princess, are you?” He asked her, putting her back down. 

“No, Rowan broke the tv!” The little girl exclaimed, pointing at the quiz show still playing in the background. “I wanted to watch Rachel!” 

Ben looked at the tv and then walked over to Callum who was stood looking defeated. He ran a hand over the side of Callum’s face and winked at him, “Alright, Doctor Highway, what seems to be the problem?” 

No matter what happened, Ben always found a way to lighten the mood which Callum was grateful for. He brushed his thumb over Ben’s hand that was resting on his face. “Rowan’s locked himself in the bathroom,” Callum whispered, signing with his hands, not wanting the teenager to overhear him. 

Ben removed his hand from Callum’s face and smiled, knocking loudly on the bathroom door. “Oi!” Ben yelled. “I need a piss and I’ll do it on the sofa where you sleep if you don’t get out in the next three seconds!”

Callum heard a click from the other side of the door as it creaked open tantalisingly slow. Ben stood on the other side of it, grinning widely at the teenager. He ruffled his hand through Rowan’s hair once again, sending it in all different directions to mess it up. 

“Hey!” Rowan disputed, trying to fix his hair and put it back into place. 

Ben walked past him and winked at Callum, closing the bathroom door behind him. Callum and Rowan awkwardly stood there for a few minutes, the sound of Ben pissing could be heard faintly in the background. Rowan’s face turned into one of disgust as the toilet flushed moments after, listening to the sound of the sink running. Him and Callum stood staring at each other on opposite sides of the closed door, waiting for the other person to crack. The door opened again, Ben popping out from the other side. His eyes flickered between Callum and Rowan who were both staring each other out. 

Rowan spoke, never breaking eye contact with Callum when he did, “You’re a loud pisser.” His comment was directed at Ben but his gaze with Callum never faltered. Lexi was kneeling down on the floor, peering under the sofa for the batteries to the remote. 

“Right, thanks,” Ben said, passing the pair and wandering off to help Lexi. 

Rowan and Callum both had their arms folded, mirroring each other’s actions. “I’m not mad at you,” Callum’s voice broke the silence.

Rowan searched Callum’s eyes for any sign of a lie, but there wasn’t one. He wasn’t mad at him, he just wanted to talk to his son. Rowan nodded his head, wiping his red, puffy eyes with his sleeves and walked away, sitting on the sofa, gazing out of the window at nothing in particular. He didn’t say a word for the rest of the night, distantly observing things outside the window. Callum and Ben had cuddled up in the other corner of the sofa, waiting for Lexi to get sleepy. Ben’s leg was placed over the top of Callum’s, lazily resting on top of the older man, his head resting on his chest. 

Ben yawned and sighed, “Lex.” 

She looked over at her dad from the armchair where she was sat. She tilted her head as if to signal that he’d gotten her attention. 

“I’m gonna have to go to bed soon,” Ben whispered, removing his leg from its position on top of Callum’s. The older man’s hands still lingered in Ben’s hair, gently rubbing through the strands as Ben prepared to unravel himself from his comfy position. “So you better be off too if you want me to tuck you in,” Ben suggested as he moved out of Callum’s hold of him. He kissed Callum on the forehead softly and headed off in the direction of Lexi’s bedroom, following behind the younger girl who yawned on her way. 

Rowan flinched as the door to the bedroom shut, looking over at Callum. The teenager shifted in his seat and raised his legs up so that they were on the sofa. He stretched them out, resting his feet on Callum’s lap. 

“Well, you’re on my bed,” Rowan acknowledged Callum for the first time in hours, cheekily letting his feet rest on top of his dad. 

“Why do you like to sleep on the sofa?” Callum yawned, fluffing up the pillow that had fallen flat next to him which Ben had been sitting on. 

Rowan deterred his gaze, shaking his head as he turned onto his side. “I don’t,” he mumbled, his body growing more tired as he lay there, thinking. 

Callum tapped Rowan’s feet gently to get his attention. The boy turned his body again, tilting his head up, “I could get you a bed if you like,” Callum suggested, but Rowan tensed up beneath him. His eyes widened and his heart rate began to quicken in pace. 

“No,” Rowan replied quickly, taking his feet away from Callum’s lap and rolling his body up into a loose ball on the sofa. He lay sidewards, arms folded and legs tucked up into him. Callum wondered what he’d said to make the boy react in such a way. 

“Hey Ro,” Callum whispered, patting the boys ankle lightly to get his attention again. “You know you can talk to me, yeah?” 

A silence fell in the room as Rowan lay, tears slipping down the side of his face. He sniffed and coughed into his hand before placing it under his head, forming a pillow with his two hands. 

Callum continued speaking when he didn’t get a response, “If you want a bed I can easily get you one, and Ben fixed the remote. I wasn’t angry at you, you don’t have to hide from me.” 

A little voice croaked out, “It wasn’t about the remote.” 

Callum tilted his head and scooted closer to Rowan on the sofa, trying to meet his eyes, but he wouldn’t budge from his position. He got up from and knelt down next to the boy, not touching him in fear that he would decide to flee to the bathroom again. 

“If it’s about Lexi then-“ Callum was cut off as Rowan shook his head. 

His bottom lip quivered as he broke out into a small, soft cry, removing his hands from underneath his head and sobbing into them. Callum feared that the thing bothering the boy was much more than he could see from the surface. It wasn’t his anger at school or at home, it was something much deeper than that. Something much darker buried inside that he was trying to suppress, a feeling that Callum recognised all too well. 

“I just hate beds, alright,” Rowan sobbed, clutching his head in his hands as he cried. “I’m fine, I am. Just ignore me like everyone always has done.” 

Callum’s heart broke at the sounds escaping Rowan’s mouth, small whines of sorrow. He’d always acted strong and sassy around them, never once showing anything on this emotional level. Callum guessed that Rowan was touch starved by Cece’s parenting. He always hugged Callum at every chance he got and even Ben when the other man was at work. 

Callum held back his tears, watching the boy in front of him crumble. “You’re not ignored here,” Callum reassured him, stroking a hand through Rowan’s hair. “We look after each other, don’t we?” 

Rowan’s eyes were stinging as he wiped his cheeks with the back of his sleeve. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, “I don’t wanna bother you.” 

Maybe that’s all he felt he was to Cece. A constant bother. Someone who was always getting in the way and perhaps that made him feel unwelcome. “You could never bother me, believe me I live with Ben,” Callum chuckled lightly, “He’s the most annoying person on the planet.” 

“Oi!” Ben walked over to Callum and hit him gently. He’d been watching them for a few moments and managed to catch onto what Callum was saying at the end. He playfully slapped Callum on the arm and put his middle finger up at him. 

Rowan smiled up at Ben, “I thought you was deaf.” He gestured towards his ear as Ben turned to look at him.

“Yeah, and I thought you was dead,” Ben sat down on the sofa, nudging Rowan and getting him to move up in his seat so he could slide in next to him. “What you been crying for? Was Cal’s food that bad?” 

Callum returned the playfulness by prodding Ben in the arm, still kneeling on his position on the floor. Rowan was cuddled into the corner of the sofa, smiling at the couple adoringly. 

“He don’t like beds,” Callum informed Ben clearly and Ben’s eyes widened, immediately thinking the worst. He looked at Rowan who was avoiding his eye contact, fidgeting with his fingers. 

“Is this about Cece?” Ben asked, but he got no response from the younger boy. “I’ll kill her if she’s touched you, that fucking psycho.” 

Rowan lay silently with his eyes dry, no more tears able to fall. He shrugged passively and it dawned on Callum what had happened. 

“It’s fine,” Rowan whispered, shaking his head, eyes glued down at his hands. 

Ben had immediately thought the worst, and he’d thought correctly. He glanced at Callum who was sat in shock on the floor, anger rising throughout his body. 

“Callum,” Ben warned him, sensing his rage from how tense he was becoming. Anger wasn’t what they needed right now and it certainly wasn’t what Rowan needed. Callum gritted his teeth and unclenched his fists, internally screaming. 

“It was just sometimes she’d come home drunk or high or I don’t know,” Rowan trailed off, looking off distantly, struggling to explain. “She’d mistake my bed for hers or she’d mistake me for someone else, but she wouldn’t remember in the morning so I’d just block it out,” Rowan scratched his head as he remembered. “She’d try to make me pass out by smothering me with a pillow so I wouldn’t know what was going on, but I did.”

All of their faces were stained with tears as Rowan remembered. Callum held out his arms to his son as he pulled him into a tight hug, never wanting to let him go. “I should’ve been there,” Callum rubbed his hand up and down Rowan’s back as the other one stroked the back of his head comfortingly. 

“You didn’t know,” Ben added, reaching over and rubbing Rowan’s back softly, memories of his own childhood flashing throughout his mind. He’d been abused, but not to this extent, and he couldn’t even be able to comprehend what Rowan was feeling.

“Why are you awake?” Lexi yawned, walking over to the three of them huddled around the sofa. 

Rowan lifted his head up from where it was dug into Callum’s shoulder and smiled at the young girl who he now considered to be his family. He didn’t understand the meaning of the word before, but as he sat surrounded by people who supported and cared for him he thought finally he was a part of one. 

Callum wiped his nose with his sleeve and reluctantly loosened his grip on his son. “I was just talking to Ro, sweetheart,” Callum explained, giving a sad look to Ben. 

“About what?” Lexi asked, wiping her tired eyes with her scrunched up hand. Neither of the couple knew how to answer this question, figuring they would just make something up on the spot.

“Drugs,” Rowan interjected unexpectedly, causing Ben to snort. Callum rubbed Rowan’s back with his hand and leaned into him, hugging him softly. 

Lexi made her way over to sit on Ben’s lap who was still sat on the sofa above the two. “Are you on drugs, Cally?” Lexi asked innocently, eyes boring into Callum’s face. 

Rowan and Ben were both amused by this comment but Callum sat horrified. Ben wrapped his arms around Lexi’s waist, balancing her on his legs. “Yeah, Cally,” Ben mocked the use of the nickname, smiling at his fiancé, “Are you on drugs?”

Callum glared at him, mortified as Ben grinned warmly back at him. He gritted his teeth and replied, “No Lex, unfortunately not.” 

Ben took the girl into his arms and smiled at her, “Right, madam, back to bed.” 

Lexi rubbed her eyes and sighed, “But I want mommy.” Ben gulped and stroked his hand through her hair at the comment. 

Callum smiled at her and pointed at the stars shining bright outside the glass window. “Mommy’s probably watching over you up there,” Callum added, satisfying Lexi enough for the girl to drift off back to sleep. 

Except that wasn’t all that stood outside their window that night. They were being watched again. They always have been. Ever since they’d gotten engaged, someone was always lurking in the shadows, hiding in the dark. They were waiting for an opportunity to strike and they were just about to get one. Only a few more nights to go, hiding behind the glass windows of Walford.


	20. Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we’re down to our last 2 chapters after this one, and you’re invited to the wedding! You won’t wanna miss it :)
> 
> TW/ suicide references, abuse, drugs, violence, gore/graphic details
> 
> the whole selection box basically

Glass after glass after glass. The drinks kept rolling in as Ben and Callum sat at the bar on their joint stag do surrounded by their drunk friends. 

“Hey Mick,” Stuart yelled, swinging his leg around the giant metal pole that hung from the ceiling of The Albert. “Come here, I’ll put on a show for ya,” he insisted, attempting to dance in time to the music playing in the background. 

“Fucks sake,” Mick mumbled, downing his bottle of beer and making his way over to the other man, leaving Ben and Callum alone. Jay was having the time of his life on the dance floor and Ben just hoped he was staying away from drugs and danger tonight. 

Callum did another shot, watching Ben as he eyed his brother who was stumbling around the dance floor. Callum tapped Ben’s knee gently where his hand was already resting to get his attention. “Stop worrying,” Callum told him, moving his hand to slip inside Ben’s own. He dragged Ben to his feet and walked towards the dance floor where Jay was. Callum snaked his arms around Ben’s waist, holding him in place as he began to sway them in time with the music. Ben seemed reluctant at first, weaving his hands around Callum’s neck, below his jaw, hanging on. 

Their eyes stayed fixated on one another, swaying from side to side, Ben having no idea what music was playing, but he didn’t care. He was in the arms of the man he loved, and that was enough for him. This was the man he was going to marry and stay with for as long as they wanted to stay with each other. Ben remembered back to the previous night they’d spent in together, attempting to surprise Rowan when he came home. 

“He’s gonna hate it, ain’t he?” Callum had been pacing the living room for the past ten minutes, looking at their new piece of furniture and stressing out. Ben was sat in the armchair shaking his head and smiling at Callum, gesturing for the older man to sit down with him. 

Ben took a hold of Callum’s arm once he was close enough to him causing Callum to stop in his tracks. “Cal,” Ben addressed him, dragging his boyfriend down to sit half on Ben’s lap and half on the chair. 

“I’m going to crush you, Ben,” Callum chuckled, adjusting his legs over the top of Ben, trying to squeeze into the small chair. 

Ben slid his hand under Callum’s thigh and wrapped his other one around his torso, trying to lift the taller man up into the air. “Shut up, I’m stronger than I look,” Ben groaned as he struggled, unable to shift Callum from his position. 

Ben huffed as he gave up, dropping his hands clumsily around Callum’s weight. Callum raised his eyebrows as Ben’s hand slipped from under his thigh, riding further up his leg. “Don’t get frisky with me, Mitchell,” Callum laughed, swatting Ben’s hand away from his crotch as he tried to find a comfortable position. Callum settled, squeezing his butt into the side of the chair which was creaking underneath them, legs strewn across Ben’s. 

“Mitchell, eh?” Ben scoffed with a laugh, fingers intertwining with Callum’s hair that lay flat against his forehead, pushing it out of the way of his eyes. “So, are you gonna take my last name or am I taking yours?” 

Callum played with the hair at the nape of Ben’s neck where he’d wrapped his hands around him. He leant in and pressed his lips to Ben’s, smiling into the kiss. “Well, you already take a lot of my things,” Callum teased, picking at the string of the hoodie Ben was wearing. It was a grey one that belonged to Callum. The last time he’d seen his boyfriend wear it was when Kathy had died and Ben refused to speak to anyone. He hoped that they’d never fall back into a dark place like that in their lives, but he couldn’t be certain it wouldn’t happen again. Ben noticed that Callum’s mind was wandering elsewhere and furrowed his brows, caressing the skin just above his hips. 

“Hey,” Ben cooed jokingly, “I have washed it, don’t worry.” Ben gestured towards Callum’s hoodie he was wearing, placing his hand back down on Callum’s torso. The older man fell silent, thinking about how distraught Ben had looked when he was sobbing into the sleeves of the fabric, struggling to breathe. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” Ben whispered, lowering his head, his hands travelling down Callum’s sides slowly. “I know forever is a long time especially when you’re stuck with me,” Ben rambled, his fingers creating light circular shapes on Callum’s skin nervously. 

The older man frowned and removed his hand from the back of Ben’s neck to tilt his chin upwards, forcing them to lock eyes with one another. “Of course not,” Callum shook his head slowly, speaking clearly to ensure Ben caught every word he was saying. “Nah, nothing like that just,” Callum drifted off and sighed, his mouth forming into a smile. “I just haven’t seen you this happy in a while,” he finished.

Ben’s face broke out into a wide smile as he looked at Callum with adoration. “Well that’s because of you, ain’t it?” Ben winked at him, leaning in closer. He squeezed Callum’s hips tighter and pulled him into a long kiss, running his tongue along Callum’s bottom lip lustfully. 

“I did not just spend the day at Shirley and alchy egghead’s house so that you two could shag in the living room,” Rowan interrupted, slamming the door to the flat behind him. Callum pulled back from Ben’s lips, adjusting himself and fidgeting in his seat. Ben’s grip on Callum loosened as he noticed the teenager in the doorway, a glint of mischief in his eyes. 

“Rowan!” Callum warned, eyes growing wide at his sons choice of words.

“What?” Rowan grinned, taking his gum out of his mouth and tossing it into the bin next to the coffee table. “You can do what you like I just don’t fancy watching ya,” he joked, glancing between the couple and the new piece of furniture in the room. ‘What’s this?’ Rowan signed, visible confusion written across his face. Callum struggled for a moment to get up from his place on the armchair, brushing off his jeans as he stood up. 

“It’s a sofa bed,” Callum began, his eyes flickering between Rowan and Ben who gave him a reassuring smile. Callum rambled, “You can make it into a bed if you want, or just keep it as a sofa. You’re still in the living room, I just thought that-“ 

Rowan cut him off, his arms tightly clinging to Callum’s waist as he hugged him tightly. They stood for a few minutes, Callum’s arms wrapped around Rowan’s back. Rowan pulled back and looked in between Ben and Callum. ‘Thank you’ he signed, grinning as he excitedly flopped down onto the sofa bed. 

Ben smiled as he watched the teenager get comfy, kicking the pillows off of the furniture and making it his own. That’s when a thought occurred to him and Ben asked, “Why do you know sign language anyway?” 

Rowan raised his eyebrows at Ben and peered at him from his position. He thought for a moment, unsure of what to say. “I have a friend who knows bits,” Rowan explained, emphasising and signing his words for Ben, never breaking eye contact. “You probably wouldn’t like him,” he grinned, obviously knowing something about his friend that Ben didn’t. “Bit of a falling star as Cece liked to call him,” Rowan went quiet at his own mention of the woman’s name. 

Callum had let out all of his verbal aggravation towards Cece, ranting to Ben until early hours of the morning about how he wanted to kill her. Ben didn’t catch every word but he’d never seen Callum so worked up about something more in his life. 

“You don’t have to talk about her,” Ben assured Rowan, who was still getting comfortable on his new sofa bed. Ben understood what it felt like to be abused. Some wounds could never be healed, but the ones he had, he could use them to help other people like Rowan whose childhood had also been ruined at the hands of someone else. 

Callum went over to Rowan and nudged his legs over so that he made room for him to sit next to where the teenager was lying. “You can invite your friend to the wedding if you want to, Ro,” Callum suggested, trying his best to make his son feel welcome in their lives. He was trying so hard to make an effort with Rowan, terrified that he would be anything like his own father, having missed so much of his son’s life already. Rowan nodded his head in agreement as he settled for the night in the living room. 

“Callum Mitchell,” Callum spoke aloud, as him and Ben went back to bar at their stag do, more glasses of alcohol rolling in. Callum had found himself drinking more and more over the past few months, unsure whether it was due to stress or over celebrating his life. It never really occurred to him until now, when glasses after glasses after glasses were being poured in front of his eyes. He didn’t even flinch as he consumed the liquid that burnt the back of his throat, but he was too invested in the exhilaration of the night now to slow down. 

Ben knocked back another shot and winced, feeling the burn. “Callum Mitchell,” Ben repeated, “I like the sound of that.” 

“I don’t,” a voice intruded them and when Ben looked up to see who it was he almost dropped to the floor. His heart rate quickened as he noticed Stuart in the background step down from the stripper pole and walk over to them, eyes widening. 

The man in the suit towered over Ben where he was sat, face marked and scarred in old scratches and dried blood. Callum tensed up and stood from his seat, glaring at the smartly dressed man who had a smile plastered across his face. 

“Hello boys,” Luke smirked, taking in Ben’s shaken up appearance, feeling pleased with himself. “Bet you thought you’d seen the last of me,” he added, still standing over Ben. 

Luke swivelled around, a scar lining the back of his head from where Stuart had hit him months ago, thinking he’d killed him. “Baldie,” Luke addressed Stuart pointing at him. “Next time you bury someone in the woods, you might wanna check their pulse first,” Luke commented before turning back around to face Ben who was now hiding behind Callum. “Oh Ben, I see you,” Luke spoke smugly, a look of disgust smothering Callum’s face. “I’ll always see you, Ben,” he whispered, causing Ben to gulp and move back involuntarily. A glass fell from the bar and smashed to the floor where Ben had knocked it over.

Luke tutted and smirked, walking away slowly, exiting the bar without breaking eye contact with Ben whose eyes were now brimming with tears. 

“Who’s that fella then?” Mick came over, examining the glass on the floor and the state Ben was in. By this point Jay wasn’t even in the bar, probably having left with a random girl he’d found. He had no idea that Luke was even back on the scene, or that they’d now failed to kill him twice. 

Ben shook his head and stumbled over his feet, swiftly running out of the building with Callum following him. Once they’d made it outside, Ben threw up onto the streets, struggling to breathe through the vomit that was filling his mouth. He heaved as Callum rubbed his back, watching the mainly water based sick from the amount of alcohol he’d consumed being emptied from Ben’s body. 

“Fuck,” Ben breathed out, walking away from Callum and placing his head against the cool brick exterior of The Albert. 

His bar. 

He stood there breathing for a few moments, Callum watching a few feet away as Ben groaned in pain. That’s when his fist connected with the wall over and over again. 

“Ben!” Callum grabbed his arm and tried to pull him away from the bricks. “Stop, darling, please,” he begged, fumbling over his words hurriedly, but Ben was unable to hear him. 

Ben eventually stopped, struggling under Callum’s tight grip on him, his limbs flailing to his sides. Anger still boiled inside of him that much was obvious to Callum as they watched Stuart exit the bar. “Ben,” Callum cautioned him, watching his fiancés fists clench up again. This time his anger was directed at Stuart. He stormed over to him and started slamming his fists into the other man’s chest. 

Stuart stood back, as Callum dragged Ben away, spewing out curses and words of frustration. “You had one job!” Ben yelled, pointing at Stuart, rage fuelling his actions. “One fucking job!” 

Ben slowly broke down, his anger turning into loud sobs as he turned on his feet, fists screwed up into balls that clung onto the material of Callum’s shirt. Callum held him tightly and shushed him, one hand on the back of Ben’s head cradling it. 

Callum thought about when these roles had been reversed a few months ago in the summer. Every time he’d enter the bathroom he’d see Chris sitting in the tub, waiting for him. His eye sockets were hollow, blood spilling out of his mouth as he grinned, his rotted, black teeth falling out of his mouth. They fell individually and smacked against the plastic of the bath, causing Callum to flinch as each one fell, the blood coming out of his gums in heavy waves, filling up the tub. Chris had screamed at him, getting his hands and reaching inside the holes where his eyes were meant to be, pulling out blood and strings of organs, emptying them out until there was nothing left. Then he’d grin with nothing but his hole filled gums as Callum begged for him to get out of his head. 

Ben came into the bathroom a while later, unable to hear Callum’s desperate pleas but realising the door had been left ajar. “Callum?” Ben frowned, watching as his lover sat with his head in his hands on the floor opposite the empty bathtub. This had happened many times before now. He sat down next to Callum and placed a hand on his knee to let him know he was there, until Callum’s hallucination of Chris faded, the voices lowering in his head. 

They’d lay on the sofa that night with Rowan sleeping over at a friends house and Lexi in her room. Callum’s head was resting lazily in Ben’s lap as he slowly fell to sleep. Ben’s fingers ran through Callum’s hair as he watched the older man drift off, relieved when he heard soft snores escape him a little while later. “I love you,” Ben whispered to him, stroking the hair back from his face as Callum stirred, head nuzzling into Ben’s leg softly. 

Ben thought about how much he needed that feeling of comfort right now as he sat at the kitchen table of the Mitchell house. Callum was stood behind him at the back of his chair protectively as everyone argued. 

“You buried him alive? You fucking moron!” Shirley bellowed, prodding Stuart in the chest who was leant up against the kitchen counter, head lowered in shame. 

“And you,” Shirley pointed at Ben who was desperately trying to read her lips. “Did you not think to check he was dead before throwing him in the back of a car, or is that what you did with Heather? Did you just let her die out on the floor?” 

That was a low blow even for Shirley and it caused Ben to grow frustrated once again. Callum didn’t know who Heather was and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Besides, now wasn’t the right time to ask as a piece of paper fell through the letterbox of the back door. 

Shirley picked it up and unraveled it, revealing the note inside that read: ‘thanks for the invite B + C. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ There were several outlines of hearts on the paper and Ben recognised them from the same note that had been left next to Kathy when he thought she’d committed suicide. It was the same mocking shape and pattern, the same cursive handwriting and each one of them in the room was sure it belonged to Luke. Apart from Shirley. 

She knew everything. The person who was about to crash their wedding was far more threatening than Luke Browning ever could be. It wasn’t Cece. It wasn’t Stella. It was a storm wrapped into the shape of a human body and it was about to rain down on them. 

They weren’t just people anymore, they were targets.


	21. Heather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, depression, violence, gore
> 
> The penultimate chapter 
> 
> Consider the plot twisted

It’d just gone past 3am on October 23rd: Ben and Callum’s wedding day. It was supposed to be the most memorable day of their lives and so far it had been. Ben was insisting on cancelling the entire thing, but Callum told him it was too late now. 

They lay in bed together, Ben’s head resting atop of Callum’s bare chest, enjoying the vibrations of his steady heartbeat underneath him that felt soothing to his pounding head. Callum felt warm, wet liquid hit his skin where Ben continued to cry on him, his hands shaking as Callum rubbed circles onto his back. Both of his arms were wrapped tightly around Ben as if the moment he let go, Ben’s body would dissolve into dust particles and float out of the window, blending in with the rain and sticking to the streets below. 

“Cal,” Ben sniffled, raising his head to look Callum in the eye. “I- I need you to stay,” Ben stuttered, moving upwards slightly on the bed, nuzzling his head into the crook of Callum’s neck. Callum rubbed his hand up and down Ben’s back and gently stroked his fingers through Ben’s hair. 

Callum nodded and kissed the top of Ben’s head as he replied, “I know.” 

They lay there for the next hour until both of them eventually passed out from the exhaustion of the night. Thoughts of Luke continued spiralling around in Ben’s head and the thought of him ruining their wedding broke him. 

‘Thanks for the invite B + C. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Those were the words on the note. The same heart that encircled the words on Kathy’s suicide note: ‘This one’s for you, Ben’.

Except it wasn’t Luke at all. It was someone capable of so much worse. Someone who hated Ben to his core, and he was determined to crash Ben’s happily ever after if it was the last thing he did.

***

Callum woke up around 11am and slowly unravelled his body from around Ben’s as the younger man lay asleep under the duvet. They still had a few more hours until their wedding took place due to Callum’s drunken booking of the ceremony which was later in the day than usual. 

Without thinking, Callum headed into the bathroom and swiftly turned on the shower and jumped in. His vision was already blurry from just having woken up so he rubbed his eyes as he stepped into the tub, feeling the hot water scold his cold skin. Callum reopened his eyes in shock from the sudden contact only to be faced with another hallucination.

Chris sat in the tub, knees up to his chest as his mouth bled ferociously. He was covering his eyes with his scarred hands but when he removed them and looked up at Callum he was met with a surprise. Chris had eyes. He had bright green eyes that shone like a field of grass set alight in the middle of nowhere. They were similar to Rowan’s, and Rose’s: Rowan’s mother. Somehow it made Callum’s fears subside as he pushed his body up against the tiled wall behind him. He closed his eyes again and slid down into the tub opposite the hallucination of Chris who was oddly calm. 

“Go,” a male voice whispered softly. Callum rubbed his head with his hands in frustration and tilted his chin upwards, peering at Chris through glossy eyes. 

Callum stared at the man whose hands were now full of his own teeth. They weren’t rotted this time. They were white and Chris was slowly placing each one back into his mouth where the empty gum sockets were. Callum watched on as the man in front of him popped his final tooth back into place inside his mouth. 

The hallucination of Chris smiled weakly at Callum and softly repeated the word, “Go.” 

Callum’s hands dropped to rest on his knees that were bunched up in front of him. “What?” Callum mumbled, barely audible. 

Chris leant forward and reached out to Callum with his hand. Callum went to take it in his own but Chris’ hand wasn’t real. It was all inside of Callum’s head. “Let me go,” Chris smiled, his hallucination slowly dissolving into a thin white powder right before Callum’s very eyes. 

Tears began to seep into Callum’s skin as he watched the man he loved slowly turn to dust. Callum whispered, “I need you to stay.” 

But Chris was gone now. The tub was completely empty apart from the hot water splashing down around Callum’s skin. He heard a faint voice whisper in his ear the words, “You don’t.” 

Callum knew deep down that he didn’t need Chris, because he had Ben now. Today was the beginning of their new lives together and Callum was determined not to let anyone get in the way of their happiness. 

“Cal?” A voice whispered and he felt a hand touch his arm which was now soaked with water. 

Callum looked up to see Ben towering over him, concerned look on his face as he turned off the water still flowing from the shower. Callum felt a shiver travel up his spine as the hot water belting down on his skin came to an abrupt stop. Ben noticed and quickly grabbed a towel from the side, encouraging Callum to stand up as he wrapped it around his body. 

Ben raised his eyebrows as Callum carefully stepped out of the tub audibly sighing. “Chris,” Callum spoke the word simply. It wasn’t the first time Ben had found him in the bathroom in this state and the mention of Chris’ name was enough of a mutual understanding between them now to know what had happened. 

Ben nodded his head as Callum began to dry off with the towel, shivering from the cool draft the bathroom had created. It had been shockingly cold for October and Ben could only hope the storms would stay away just for today. 

“I’ve talked to my dad this morning,” Ben began, handing Callum a bathrobe to wrap around himself once he’d finished drying. “Came to our door and said if Luke showed up he’d give him a bollocking. He seemed sober too.” 

The comment made Callum scoff. He knew all too well what lengths Phil would go to when he was trying to keep someone away from his son. He had no doubt that Luke would be getting carried out of that church in a body bag if he even stepped foot in there. 

“I still think we should cancel,” Ben sighed, leaning up against the sink closer to Callum. His arms slipped around Ben’s waist and started to travel lower causing Ben to smile, lightening the mood.

“Wouldn’t wanna waste a perfectly good honeymoon though, would ya?” Callum smirked, pressing a long kiss to Ben’s lips. 

“Now, get dressed,” Callum ordered, squeezing Ben’s hips before letting go and turning to walk towards the door. He faced Ben and grinned, “We’ve got a wedding to go to.” 

***

Callum left Ben with Phil and Jay as he went off in a separate car with Rowan heading off to the church early. Rowan had been talking about his mom recently and sadly told Callum he didn’t even know where or if she was buried. 

Callum had managed to find a large oak tree at the cemetery and smiled to himself. Rowan looked down and read the gravestones that lay close to one another. They were Lola and Kathy’s. Rowan knelt down and placed the red roses he was holding down onto the ground between the two headstones. 

Callum wrapped his arm around Rowan’s shoulder and kissed his forehead. “Your mom will always have a place here,” Callum reassured him, sighing to himself as the teenager smiled up at him. 

Their moment together was short lived as a familiar face came strolling over to them causing Rowan to cower and hide behind Callum’s legs. 

“Happy wedding day,” Cece announced, holding out a bunch of half-dead flowers in their direction. All of the stories and nightmares that Rowan had told him about his own mother suddenly came flooding back to Callum as he slapped the flowers out of her hand, petals flying to the ground. 

“You need to leave right now,” Callum demanded, face going red with fury. His hand still held on tightly to Rowan as he shifted the teenager further behind him, so that Cece couldn’t even look in his sons direction. 

Cece pouted mockingly and tried to look at Rowan whose head was still lowered. “Has the fat little piggy been telling porkies again?” Cece said in a childish tone. Rowan shook his head and tightened his grip on Callum anxiously.

Callum raised his hand in the air and pointed at Cece accusingly. “I don’t know what goes on inside that sick, twisted little head of yours, but I swear to god if you don’t leave right now I will bury you in one of these graves myself, you vile bitch!” Callum spat and screamed the words in a wild frenzy, rage boiling throughout his entire body. 

Cece seemed taken aback by those words and began laughing hysterically at Callum. “Well,” Cece smiled, “That’s very interesting, isn’t it?” 

Callum tilted his head in confusion as his mother continued, “All that anger, it’s like you’ve been bottling something up, ain’t it Callum?” 

“Shut up,” Callum replied quickly, scratching his head in frustration. 

“It’s almost like you’re hiding something, Callum,” she grinned, scratching her chin smugly. “Oh wait! You are, aren’t you?” She laughed, slowly starting to back up and walk away from them both. “Happy wedding day, my son! Try not to kill anyone, yeah? We both know you’re good at that,” she paused, scratching her chin once more. “Come to think of it, so is that boyfriend of yours. Heather, was it?”

Callum already knew about Heather, but he knew it was an accident. He knew that Ben was a child when it happened and that Ben wasn’t a killer, not really. 

Cece began to walk away but as she turned, Callum yelled at her, “You can’t just walk out again, not like this.”

Cece turned around and grinned widely, reaching into her pocket to light a cigarette. “I can,” she replied, dropping the cigarette onto the ground. “Be a doll and put out the fire will ya this time?” 

Cece walked off into the distance laughing hysterically to herself as Rowan looked up at his dad. “What does she mean?” The teenager asked, raising his eyebrows. Callum told him to leave it and not to worry as he held his son in his arms, staring off into the distance, the rose petals lying on the ground in various shades of red. 

***

“You left!” Ben screamed, spitting on Jay’s face as he spoke, tears streaming down his face. “You left me with your baby and your grief, and your stupid, stupid addiction has fucked you up yet again!”

Ben arrived at the church after Callum with Jay and Phil in tow. Ben and Phil hadn’t spoken much since Phil had only recently began sobriety again. 

“Your mom would be so proud of you,” Phil had said, loosening Ben’s collar and tightening the tie around his neck. It didn’t mean much to Ben, but at least his dad cared enough to speak to him again. 

Callum had gone into the bathroom to find Ben and Jay arguing, claiming that his fiancé had caught Jay doing cocaine on the sink. 

“What is it, Ben?” Jay spluttered out, wiping the remaining white powder from the counter, watching it fall to the floor like flakes of fucking snow. “You think words are gonna save me, eh? You think I’m gonna be happy again? Well I ain’t,” Jay paused looking in between Ben and Callum who were stood in shock, watching the other man ramble. “I ain’t you, Ben. I ain’t got a perfect life with kids and a wedding and fucking celebration central. Lola is dead, and I wish I was too.” 

Ben stumbled over his words, trying to get Jay to calm down and focus. “You don’t mean that. Mate, my life ain’t perfect, I’ve got kids and Callum but-“ 

Jay interjected, “Why do you get everything, Ben? No matter how much you mess up,” Jay pointed his finger at Ben, hands flailing around in a frustrated manner. “Paul, Heather,” he listed, the mention of the names visibly paining Ben. “Don’t matter who you hurt, does it Ben? You’ll always be fucking happy, won’t you?”

“I’m not happy!” Ben screamed in the other man’s face, causing Callum to flinch. It was difficult enough for Ben to understand what Jay was saying, struggling to lip read as the other man spoke too quickly, but Ben caught onto those last few words. 

“I’m depressed, Jay,” Ben blurted out, Callum’s eyes widening at the statement. “I’m so numb all of the fucking time. I do have everything, yeah, you’re right, but I’m so messed up that I can’t even enjoy it.” 

The room fell silent as Callum’s mouth fell agape in shock at Ben’s confession. He knew that the other man was struggling but he didn’t know how much. Callum felt so selfish focusing on his own issues when he should’ve been taking care of Ben. He should’ve been there for him, saving him. 

“All I want is to have one nice day,” Ben begged, gripping onto Jay’s arm tightly. “Please, Jay.” 

Jay nodded slowly, and that was all Ben needed. 

***

Ben grinned widely as he walked down the aisle with Callum by his side, the pair of them looking at each other as their feet moved in unison. Neither one of them wanted to be the one walking down the aisle so they decided to do it together, and nothing was more amusing to them right now than that. 

“Right pair of idiots, ain’t we?” Ben mumbled under his breath just loud enough for Callum to hear. Lexi spread out flower petals on the ground as she walked in front of them in her bright pink fluffy dress which she’d picked out for herself.

Callum chuckled as they stepped forward, taking their spaces at the front of the church in front of everyone. The priest began to speak as the two men stared into each other’s eyes. Ben was depressed but in this moment he could feel something, and that was enough. 

“I love you, Ben,” Callum recited his vows, smiling widely all the time as he did so. Even Phil and Shirley were smiling which was a rare occurrence. 

“I love your hair and your smile and staring into your eyes for hours on end. I love waking up to your face every morning because you always have the same grumpy look on your face, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love playing board games with you and watching you get angry when you lose, and I love just sitting on the floor with you.”

There was a slight pause as Ben tilted his head and admired his boyfriend’s face. “Why?” Ben asked, curious glint in his eye. 

Callum whispered, “Because I’m with you, and you’re the only place I ever want to be.” Callum paused, smiling widely as he held Ben’s face in his hands, “And I’ll be by your side, for as long as you’ll let me be.

***

They made it back to the Vic for the reception later on. The frost was starting to pitch up outside and it looked as though the entire square could freeze over at any moment. 

And it did. 

“Ladies and gentle, very gentle men,” an all too familiar voice echoed through the microphone seductively. “You might remember me, you might not. Quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck.” 

Cece stood at the mic, fumbling with the metal stick between her fingers. 

“I remember you,” another voice said from the opposite side of the pub. 

It was Luke. 

Ben and Callum stood at the bar glancing between the two people as they spoke. Ben couldn’t quite hear what was going on, but he was hating every second of it. 

“Leave,” Shirley spat out. “The pair of you, leave right now!” 

They both remained still, staring at each other intensely from across the room. “What you gonna do, Shirl?” Cece laughed, the mic screeching as she leant in too close to it. “Gonna fill me up with alcohol like you do with egghead over there?”

Cece pointed in the direction of Phil who was glaring at Luke, the two men having a stand off. 

Shirley marched up onto the stage and snatched the microphone from Cece’s hands before smacking her directly in the face with it.

“That,” Shirley stated, swinging the metal around her fingers. “That is what I’m gonna do.”

“What’s the matter, Phil?” Luke pried, prodding him in the chest. “You don’t half look moody?”

Phil swung at Luke and hit him in the face, knocking him to the floor with one single, dignified punch. 

“Think you’re funny, do ya, eh?” Phil threatened him, towering over Luke’s body on the ground. 

“Hilarious,” Luke scoffed. 

“Yeah, I bet you get a real kick out of burning down peoples houses, don’t you?” Jay piped up, strolling over to Luke and spitting in his face much to the other man’s disgust, wiping it from his own face. 

“I didn’t burn down anything!” Luke argued, stumbling to his feet, but Phil swung at him again and knocked him back down. 

“It was obviously you!” Jay yelled at him, kicking him in the groin causing Luke to wince. “Ruin my brothers wedding? Kill his mom and his daughters mom? Leaving threatening notes lying around? You’re lucky I haven’t set you and the whole pub alight!” 

“I didn’t kill anyone!” Luke swore but Jay continued to beat him hard into the ground. 

Callum couldn’t bare to watch this reflection of himself. It’s what he’d done just months back. He’d blacked out and beaten Luke half to death and all he could see in Jay was a mirror image of himself. 

“Luke didn’t start the fire, alright! I did,” Callum admitted, lowering his head. 

“You started the fire?” Ben laughed in disbelief, but Callum didn’t answer him.

He was telling the truth. 

“Well, that’s a bit twisted, ain’t it?” Rowan’s friend piped up again, grinning widely at Ben. 

“And who the fuck are you?” Ben yelled distastefully in the teenage boys face.

“I’m George,” he spoke, reaching into his pocket, swiftly pulling out a loaded gun. “George Trott. You killed my mom,” he announced, Ben’s hands trembling as he realised exactly who killed Kathy. 

“You remember Heather, don’t you?”


	22. Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ abuse, self-harm, depression, ptsd, violence

There was no song playing in the background as Callum led Ben to the dance floor. Only silence. 

It was their first dance and after talking for hours about what song they wanted to play, it dawned on Ben that he wouldn’t be able to hear it anyway. Callum had watched the smile fade from Ben’s face as the realisation kicked in. 

“What’s playing?” Ben frowned as Callum tightened his grip on Ben’s hand, the younger man reluctant to dance. 

Callum gave Ben a reassuring smile as he centred them in the room, all of their family watching on from surrounding tables and the bar. He led Ben’s hands to wrap around his neck as his own slithered down towards Ben’s waist. His hands rested gently above Ben’s hips, the fabric of their white shirts pressing together soft beneath his fingers. 

Callum replied, “Nothing,” and began to sway them from side to side, taking the lead. Ben smiled, leaning forward on his feet, getting closer to Callum. He rested his head on the older man’s chest as they swayed together under the dim lighting. 

Ben sighed, feeling the vibrations of Callum’s chest underneath him. “I’m sorry about today, Cal. I know things got messed up. I wish we could just dance forever.”

Ben lifted his head slightly, feeling Callum’s fingers brush through his hair softly. He looked into Callum’s eyes full of love and adoration. “I love you,” Callum whispered, a lump forming in his throat as if he was about to cry. Ben’s expression matched Callum’s one as he replied, “I love you too.” He lay his head back down onto Callum’s chest as they continued to dance together content in their silence. 

And that’s what it was now. Silence, but it was a different kind of silence. It was a heartbreaking, dreadful silence that was deafening everyone in the room. 

***

“I’m George,” he spoke, reaching into his pocket, swiftly pulling out a loaded gun. “George Trott. You killed my mom,” he announced, Ben’s hands trembling as he realised exactly who killed Kathy.

“You remember Heather, don’t you?”

***

The gun stared Ben straight in the face, it’s metal end threatening every inch of his existence, but Ben didn’t feel threatened. 

Ben didn’t feel anything.

The whole pub was staring between the pair, Callum standing behind Ben anxiously. 

***

“Luke didn’t start the fire, alright! I did,” Callum admitted, lowering his head.

“You started the fire?” Ben laughed in disbelief, but Callum didn’t answer him.

He was telling the truth.

***

Bombshells were dropping around Ben like he was in a war zone, and he felt as though he was actually in one. 

Ben put his hands up in the air and shrugged, letting his arms drop back down to his sides in a clumsy manner. “Wow,” Ben scoffed, looking around the room searching for something until his eyes landed on Shirley whose face was ridden with guilt. She shook her head, her eyes flickering between George and Ben. 

“Ben-“ Shirley began, but Ben interjected.

Ben clapped his hands together and grinned, “Wow. Well done, everyone!” He laughed manically, holding his stomach as if he was in stitches, single tears falling down each of his cheeks. “This is brilliant! Right, right, so Callum,” Ben turned around, prodding Callum in the chest whose head was still lowered in shame. Ben reached up harshly with his hand, forcing Callum’s chin upwards to look at him in the eye. Callum appeared remorseful and tired. 

“You’re telling me that you started the fire?” Ben laughed in Callum’s face whose expression remained one of sorrow. 

“Listen, Ben,” Callum started, his voice hoarse, tears littering his cheeks. 

Ben began to raise his voice, “Sorry? Listen! No that’s funny, Callum, actually, because if you recall I can’t hear ANYTHING!” 

Callum flinched at Ben’s harsh tone, glancing around the room for comfort but his eyes landed on Lexi. She hurried over to Ben, offering Callum a confused, innocent expression. 

“You killed my mom?” Lexi whispered, holding onto Ben’s hand as she hid behind his legs. Ben sighed and wiped his eyes with the back of his spare hand realising the difficult situation he’d been put in. He had a duty to his daughter to protect her, and now he had a duty to his new husband: to protect him. 

Callum gulped, his watery eyes flickering between Lexi and Ben, unable to look the little girl in the eye. 

“Ben, I didn’t want you to find out this way,” Callum stuttered his words. “Please let me explain, it was an accident.” 

Ben shook his head and turned his back on Callum, crouching down on his knees to Lexi’s height. He stroked stray strands of her hair out of her eyes and tucked them gently behind her ears. “I need you to go outside with Uncle Jay, okay princess,” Ben whispered, searching Lexi’s eyes for a hint of understanding. 

Jay brushed past Callum harshly, knocking him from his spot in a stroke of pure anger and attempted to take Lexi’s hand in his own. 

Lexi looked at Ben and pointed at the gun that George was still holding, hovering about their heads. “You’re not going to die, are you daddy?” She asked quietly, pouting as she spoke, reluctantly taking Jay’s hand within her own.

Ben closed his eyes momentarily, picking up on certain words and understanding his daughters concern. He shook his head and smiled at her, “I would never leave you on purpose, baby.” 

Lexi nodded her head. It wasn’t a simple answer and it wasn’t a particularly reassuring one either, but it was enough. Jay glared at Callum as he left the pub with Lexi in tow, the cold doors slamming behind them. 

“Ro?” Callum gulped, but the boy sat silently on a nearby bar stool, watching the scene unfold before him. 

He glanced up at George and tilted his head giving him an inquisitive look before jumping down from his seat and smiling at Ben. “I guess you found your missing puzzle piece, huh?” Rowan smirked, placing his hand on Ben’s arm gently. “Falling stars never stop falling, Ben. Me, you, Cece, George.” 

Ben looked confused, struggling to follow the boys words who began to sign his speech. “Falling stars, Ben. Us,” he gestured between himself and Ben, “Better off alone.” He picked up an empty whiskey glass from the side and handed it to Ben. “And glass,” Rowan smiled, looking directly into Callum’s eyes. “Well, it was made to be broken.” 

Ben shook his head as Rowan attempted to leave the pub. “You’re not making any sense,” Ben yelled after him, suddenly aware of the gun pointed in his direction as Rowan left. 

“Where are you going, Ro?” Callum yelled after him. He rushed to the door, letting it shut behind him, the cool air of October hitting him in the face. The boy turned around on his feet as a tear slipped down his cheek, looking up at the single star that shone in the sky. 

Rowan sighed, “Somewhere.”

***

Ben watched as Callum followed after Rowan, the pub doors slamming once again. 

“October twenty third, eh?” George spoke, edging closer to Ben as he took a step forward on his feet. “Just so happens to be my birthday today, Ben,” George stated, his hands shaking as he manoeuvred the gun from one hand to his other. 

Ben gulped, not saying a single word as he let the furious boy in front of him speak, his intentions laced with revenge over the death of his mother. 

George gritted his teeth as he thought for a moment. “The only present I really want is your sick, twisted brain splattered across this floor,” George threatened, waving the gun once more in Ben’s face.

But Ben wasn’t threatened. 

He was sad. 

Callum walked back through the pub doors and watched as Ben slowly walked backwards, his eyes firmly locked onto George’s. He made his way around the back of the bar as if he were about to start pulling and serving pints. 

He slammed the whiskey glass down that Rowan had given him onto the bar forcefully, everyone watching on as it shattered around Ben’s hands, cutting deeply into his skin. George’s gun was still pointed in Ben’s direction as Ben began pulling stray shards of glass out of his hands. He pulled out a reasonably long, sharp-edged piece and waved it at George. 

“Go on then,” Ben smiled, tilting his head at George. “Shoot me.” 

“Ben-“ Phil spoke, watching as Ben’s fists clenched up around the shard of glass, no pain visible in Ben’s face, as if he was numb. 

“No!” Ben snapped, his fists slamming down onto the surface of the bar, his eyes landing on his dad. “Don’t leave everyone in suspense. Shoot me,” Ben demanded. He scanned the room, his line of vision flickering between Callum, Phil and Shirley. He noticed Luke and Cece had dissipated into the crowd of wedding guests all stood in fear in the pub with the presence of a gun. 

Ben feared he was the only one who wasn’t afraid. 

“Shoot me right here, right now, in front of all these lying thugs,” Ben emphasised the last insulting words, locking eyes with Callum, the man he thought he knew and trusted more than anyone else in the room. 

He couldn’t even trust himself anymore. His cheeks were streamed with salty tears, falling from his eyes now corrupting his vision with an intense blur. “SHOOT ME!” Ben screamed, causing everyone in the room to flinch. His hand connected with the surface of the bar as he wiped the broken glass off of it in one single scoop. All that remained was the long shard grasped firmly between his bleeding fingers. “SHOOT ME, DAMMIT!” 

George slowly lowered the gun down, his hands shaking as he did so. The teenagers eyes were filled with curiosity and an underlying fear that he couldn’t explain. “They were right,” George began, “You really are a monster, aren’t you?” 

Ben grinned widely and laughed manically once again, occasionally wheezing and struggling for air. “Yeah,” he choked, catching his breath as his laughter died down and his tone of voice turned into a more sinister, darker one. “Yeah,” Ben repeated, his voice is husky. “The big bad Ben who blew the house down. Oh, but wait!” Ben cackled, holding the glass between his fingers, the material digging sharply into skin. “That wasn’t me, was it? That was you!” Ben pointed at Callum accusingly, tears leaking from his eyes. 

Ben squeezed too hard on the glass as it pierced his skin once more, blood dripping from his hand down to his wrist, onto the floor beneath his feet. He was completely overwhelmed with anger and frustration, the glass cutting through the skin on his hand. Ben remained unbothered by this pain.

Callum was flustered and struggling to find the right words to explain. “It was a mistake okay,” Callum cried, “You have to believe me.” Callum was begging, but Ben’s mouth stayed closed into a thin, straight line. “I saw Chris! He was in front of me and I panicked, I was scared. I had to do something to get rid of him so I set him on fire, Ben! I set him on fire, but it wasn’t Chris. It was the house! It was the house and it was Lola and it was you.” 

Ben looked down to see his hands still bleeding at an alarming rate. Underneath the blood lay his scars: the burns from the fire that would never leave him. Callum sobbed, tears escaping Ben’s eyes as he saw his husband struggle to speak. The pain and the guilt that Callum felt, it was visible and it was breaking him, Ben could see it. 

“Why do you stay?” Ben mumbled, eyes scanning his scars and then Callum’s face who was shaking it in frustration. “I still don’t know why, Cal,” Ben’s voice grew in volume, anger taking over him once again. “What is it, huh? Tell me!” Ben yelled. “Is it the guilt, the pity? Poor little Ben needs saving, does he?” Ben paused, his voice lowering again as he sighed. “I don’t need saving, Cal,” Ben nodded in his husbands direction. “You do.” 

Callum was in a state. His hands were frantically running through his hair from stress and exhaustion and he couldn’t muster the courage to stop himself from crying. 

Ben couldn’t bare to look at him as it dawned on him that Lola had died at the hands of Callum’s mistakes. A mistake that he couldn’t confide in Ben about, and that’s what hurt him even more. 

Ben looked up, catching eye contact with Phil whose face had no clear expression. 

“Funny, is it, dad?” Ben pointed at him, the singular, long shard of glass still being held between his blood ridden fingers. “Bet you’re having the time of your life right now aren’t you?” He questioned him, clicking his fingers in the air like a thought had suddenly popped into his head. 

“This was your little secret, right? You and Shirley and your little whispers. Did it not cross your mind to tell me that someone was trying to kill me?” Ben yelled, pointing at George whose eyes were still filled with wonder, examining Ben’s every move. 

“Ben,” Phil began, holding his hands up in the air in defence, worried that the glass gripped tightly in Ben’s hand would leave and fly out in his direction at any moment. “All I want, all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy,” Phil stated, but Ben wasn’t convinced. 

He clapped his hands and laughed, “You almost had me there, Phil Mitchell.” Ben pondered for a moment, licking blood off of his fingers as Callum watched on solemnly. “Proud of me, are ya?” Ben asked, his mouth slapping together as he sucked on his fingers. “I finally get an inch, an INCH of happiness,” Ben emphasised the words, raising the shard of glass and looking at it curiously. “But we can’t have that, can we?”

Ben took the glass and held it to his mouth, cutting tantalisingly slowly into the skin next to his lips. “Kindness is a weakness,” he stated, cutting from the edge of his lip all the way up into his cheek, blood running across his face in a torturous visual. 

“Happy? Me, happy, is that what you said?” Ben laughed, removing the glass from his face and drawing it along to the other side of his mouth. “I don’t think I have ever been happy dad!” Ben screamed, causing Phil to flinch. 

A silence fell upon the room, the only noise audible was the one of glass cutting deeper into Ben’s skin. His hand was shaking as he held it to his face with intent. The shard pressed against the edge of Ben’s lips, continuously cutting and drawing blood upwards, continuing the action on both sides of his lips, cutting deep into his skin. It was like he was applying makeup except the makeup was just the darkness inside of him trying to leave. 

The drawn blood created the haunting outline of a forced smile onto his face like the image of a clown. Phil winced as Ben stood behind the bar, watching as he smeared blood that he’d wiped from his hand onto his shirt. His eyes were brimmed with tears, bloodshot, hands still shaking. He took the shard of glass he’d used to cut a smile into his face and dropped it into Phil’s glass of orange juice on the bar. The glass now appearing with smudges of red in the shape of Ben’s fingerprints. The liquid turned shades darker: from orange to red. 

Ben was smiling now. A forced, drawn-on huge smile, but his eyes remained empty. 

“Am I happy enough for you now, dad?” Ben asked. 

There was a pause before Ben slowly made his way around to the front of the bar passing Callum as he did so, but the older man grabbed his arm and swung him around. 

“Ben-“ Callum pleaded, but he didn’t have the courage to say anything more. 

The man who usually had so much to say wasn’t saying anything at all. Ben reached up and touched Callum’s face with his hand, realising he’d left a trail of blood down his left cheek. “Why do you stay?” Ben asked, his red fingers gently lingering on Callum’s skin. “Stupid question, isn’t it?”

Ben nodded his head as if answering his own question, and looked down, “I think it’s time I did something for you for a change.” He paused, tilting his head back up, eyes glistening with despair. “It’s time for me to leave, Cal.” 

Callum just stared, unable to move from where he was stood by the door. The two men locked eyes one final time, Ben’s feet slowly moving backwards in the direction of the doors to the pub. 

“I need you to stay,” Callum whispered, but for once, Ben felt something. 

Certainty. 

“You don’t,” Ben replied, letting go of Callum’s face. “You could be happy, Callum,” Ben smiled weakly. It was a genuine smile beneath his fake, bloody one. He couldn’t heal his wounds if he kept touching them, so he let Callum go. 

Ben had finally found his smile. 

He opened the doors to the Vic and slowly walked outside taking in his surroundings, looking for something, anything, and that’s when he saw it. 

Fucking snow.


End file.
